Warning

 Warning! When I am an old lady I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesn't go and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals and say we've no money for butter.  I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells and run my stick along public railings and make up for the sobriety of my youth.  I shall go out in my slippers in the rain and pick flowers in other peoples gardens and learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat and eat three pounds of sausages at a go or only bread and pickle for a week and hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.  But now we must have clothes that keep us dry and pay our rent and not swear in the street and set a good example for the children.  We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.  But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So that people who know me are not too shocked and surprised when suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.
Jenny Joseph


This poem spoke to me when I was an eleven year old goody-goody. I admired the idea of growing old disgracefully. Now it terrifies me.  My friends and I often look at each other and say, "You will tell me if I ever get like that, won't you?"  What if we all get 'like that'?

We are already at the stage where we moan about things. 'It wasn't like that in our day!' we say, in our beige waterfall cardigans.


How long will it be before we are phoning up the local school to complain about a child who dropped a lolly stick on the pavement?
Hopefully, never.
Some other things I hope to avoid are:
1. Saving crumbs in my chin hair
2. Being rude
3. Telling strangers that I'm not wearing any underwear
4. Giving concerts, playing really badly and thinking I'm good (I hope I don't do that already)
5. Stopping playing in the middle of a piece of music to turn the page (in a concert)
6 .Grabbing small children by the arm.
7.  Wearing a greying vest so that it shows under my concert dress.
8.  Getting everyone else to do things for me.
9.  Smelling terrible.
10. Only brushing the front of my hair.