Take up Embroidery

I listened to the Prime Minister address the commons at lunchtime.

“That’s not too bad,” I thought. Those things make sense. Closing pubs at 10pm stops the 2am drunken pub clubs. Reiterating the importance of social distancing, reminding people of the rule of six and asking people to work at home if they can all make sense. It might not be enough or it might be too much but it’s worth a shot. Boris Johnson seemed almost lucid. He said a few weird things but he sounded like he was talking to grown ups.

I discussed it with my family. We agreed that it would depend on how he communicated it with the general public, who had already started to panic buy toilet roll.

Unless the public is given clear instructions they can’t be blamed for doing the wrong thing. The government can’t just stop communicating, take a holiday and hope we have noticed one word changes in already published documents. Oh, if you didn’t know, from the 9th of September, you are allowed to be non socially distant with an established partner you don’t live with. That’s one of the things they snuck in. Even I missed it and I think I’m a careful and obsessive reader. So, whilst I would have just preferred to spend the evening watching people make cake busts I was hoping that this announcement would bring some much needed clarity.

The clash with Bake Off was concerning until Channel Four confirmed it would delay the start.

Boris Johnson flashed on the screen and he started to speak.

“Humanity will win.

We can suck seeds because we’ve sucked before.

We followed the guidelines to the letter.

Whilst most people have complied with the rules there have been too many breaches.

Iron laws of geometrical progression are shouting at us from their graphs.

Night and day. Day and night. Common sense, we are the one.

A tougher package.

Robust but proportionate.

Lock up old people. They still get sick.

I say these risks are not our own. Your mild cough maybe someone else’s death knell.

I’m deeply spiritually reluctant.

A stitch in time saves nine.

That is our strategy.

One day soon mass testing. That’s the hope. That’s the dream. We must rely on our willingness to look out for each other.

We will get through this winter together. There are great days ahead but now is the time for the spirit of togetherness.”

We looked at each other.

“That was clear,” I said, sarcastically.

“What was the point of that?” my daughter asked.

“Can I go to the cinema tomorrow or do I need to buy toilet roll?” the Long Suffering Husband wanted to know.

I decided that it’s a call to embroidery. Does anyone want to join my Essex version of the profanity embroidery group? We could all stitch elaborate number nines around a raft of useful swear words.

While we were all still reeling from the complete lack of information given Matt Lucas did a Johnson impression at the beginning of Bake Off that actually had more clarity. I know that I said yesterday that laughter will get us through but I would prefer it if our Prime Minister would make the comedians look less sane than him, not more.

Bake Off was the tonic the nation needed. So, we should stay in, to embroider and eat cake, then it won’t matter that in the Commons, the Prime Minister did actually threaten the use of the military to enforce the  rules if we don’t obey them.