No Boris!

 I’d missed something. I wasn’t surprised because it had felt like a tough day, between getting up at 4am, still being late for work, my computer being a pain, six year olds who can’t sit still and men on ladders in the ladies toilet at lunchtime, it was inevitable that I hadn’t noticed that there was to be a virus briefing.

“Oh God! We’ve got a Boris at 5,” I mentioned to a friend.

She asked me what I thought he was going to say and I wasn’t sure. I thought it couldn’t be good because we are at the daily death figure we were when we went into lockdown  (although it hasn’t been a sudden rise to that) and all I could think was that he was going to say something that Matt Lucas would deliver more clearly. The last thing they want is a second lockdown because that would properly destroy the economy. 

I sat down to watch and Boris gave a clear speech. There were no conflicting messages, no references to Ancient Greece, no clever alliterations that made no sense, no metaphors about talking graphs, no hidden anagrams. It was almost like he knew what he was talking about.

“He didn’t write that speech,” I shouted at the telly. 

My daughter, in the other room laughed, although that might have been entirely coincidental and have been about a complaint about a photo of a dead rat in the local paper that she works on that had put someone off their breakfast. 

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the conversation that would have had to happen to stop him saying what he liked.

“No Boris! You can’t write the speech. You don’t know the rules. Every time you open your mouth you confuse people further. It has to stop.”

“But I’m a writer. I’m good with words. It’s what I do!”

“Don’t sulk! It’s too late. We need to communicate properly and effectively. People think it’s all made up. We need to show them the statistics regularly and tell them clearly what they can do.”

“Oh goody. Regularly. I could write a speech a week. I’ve got a good one about the vicissidudinous virus virulently victimising us with vituperation.”

“No Boris! Jack is going to write the speech. He can write clearly and there will be no confusion. You just have to read it.”

“What? But I’ve written for the Telegraph and the Spectator. What has Jack ever done?”

“Well, he wrote the how to leaflet that goes with every toaster. It’s clear and only a few people have died because they misused a toaster and I don’t think they were thinking about reading the leaflet when they put that bit of their body in it.”

“Oh, but I am good at writing. Please say I’m good at writing.”

“Yes Boris, you are good at writing.”

“Can I write the next one?”

“We’ll see.”

The trouble is, it was clear but people have stopped watching. There won’t be much reporting on it because it’s not very interesting. I mean, if we are honest, we all know that cases are rising again, not as fast as before. We know that means we should limit our contacts, not travel too much , wash our hands frequently, stay at home if we are sick and keep a good distance from people. We know that the actual specific rules vary from region to region because the government are trying to keep from shutting everything down and at least they told us to check the website frequently.

Also, we don’t want to do these things. If we are at work, facing 30 coughing children we don’t want them to be the only contacts we are allowed to have. We have always worked so that we can have a life and the idea that it’s either or just doesn’t sit comfortably.