Eurovision 2026

 The cheese is on the table for an evening of songs and silliness.

This year we are missing our chief Eurofan but we will be sticking to her scoring system. We score out of 10 for the song, costume, staging, vibes and performance, to give a score out of 50.  A few years ago we took out our marks for instruments because it was skewing the results but I'm told that this year is the year of the violin, which I'm looking forward to.

Raising a glass to Terry Wogan and singing a verse of the Floral Dance before we start. And we are live from Vienna. Hello Graham Norton. 

You've got to love a flag parade. The Greek Tiger man was very popular with the kids at school. Delta Goodrem is a name from the past, although I can't remember a single song.

I was going to say it's very operatic but Graham has suggested putting the dog in the kitchen. Not a bad ideas Graham, he is sniffing the cheese.

I do like her dress. but I bet she doesn't eat any cheese. I'm not so keen on his jumpsuit but it does make me want to eat Cadbury's chocolate. 

HOW CAN YOU VOTE BEFORE YOU'VE HEARD THE SONGS??!!!!

01. Denmark: Søren Torpegaard Lund - “Før Vi Går Hjem”

Keep them in the box, all that hip thrusting looks a bit scary. Oh no. He's in ther with blue farts. How did he get out of that? He's lost his shirt. 

6 8, 8, 7, 7 

02. Germany: Sarah Engels - “Fire”

Dressed like a swan in boots on another box. Girls in pants. Theres a lot of bum on show. I'm definitely getting old.  Lots of fire. She's very excited. 

5,

We are giving up scoring. Without the Eurofan, we've decided to go for gut feeling.

03. Israel: Noam Bettan - “Michelle”

You, me and the cameraman. More girls in pants. Do you remember the game Othello? I like the oh oh oh bit. He's a good singer. Not keen on the song.  2,

04. Belgium: ESSYLA - “Dancing on the Ice”

Quite boring. One boot and strings hanging from her costume. We didn't rate this highly 

05. Albania: Alis - “Nân”

I approve of insisting on subtitles. Is it dead mothers? Mother waits for you. You just have to die first. He's got his wings. That's quite sad. I quite liked it though. 

Diverse? Ethnically, diverse. Sexually diverse  but skin colour?

06. Greece: Akylas - “Ferto”

Graham says he's dressed as a cat but I think its' a Tiger. I like the bit with the soundwaves. I am old. The visuals are giving me a headache. Oooh a Scooter. Mor dead Mums. There's a theme here. I love  a Eurovision Granny It's making me dance.

07. Ukraine: LELÉKA - “Ridnym”

Pretty song, Weird gloves and a shredded dress. 28 second long note is quite impressive. Windswept and instantly forgettable. 

Well that was boring. Let;s hope it was to facilitate a complicated set change.

08. Australia: Delta Goodrem - “Eclipse”

I can't remember a single Delta Goodrem song.  Oooh I love a harp. She's an actual star. A gold piano. That was quite Les Dawson. That's quite impressive staging. Getting up on that piano in those heels was very impressive. 

Another drink for Terry. 

09. Serbia: LAVINA - “Kraj Mene”

Sword man. Impressive epaulets. Jon Snow on guitar. He wrote his own song, we are impressed by that. I like a bit of thrash metal. Oh, they're done. They put everything into that. 

10. Malta: AIDAN - “Bella”

Home grown malteser. Graham, please stop. I'm full of cheese there's no room for chocolate. Bond. I really like this song but his outfit is giving me the ick. The perspex box is popular. It's not a very modern song, which is why I like it. I would like that to win and I want Maltesers. 

11. Czechia: Daniel Zizka - “CROSSROADS”

All those mirrors have broken the camera. Another forgettable song but don't all these performers have absolute powerhouse voices

12. Bulgaria: DARA - “Bangaranga”

Creepy masks. I'd like to see the OAP homes add that choreography to their chairobics. The set has the vibe of a 1970s cop show. It's catchy but quite repetitive

13. Croatia: LELEK - “Andromeda”

The handmaids tale. Are they singing about Manchega? Our Manchega was very nice, Graham was right. Very impressive harmonies.

14. United Kingdom: LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER - “Eins, Zwei, Drei”

There's something a little Madness about this or Bad Manners. I know it won't win but I quite like it and he's working the crowd. 

15. France: Monroe - “Regarde!”

Deal or No Deal theme music to start. What a voice. I'm imagining Marie Antoinette singing as she walks to the gallows. She's very young to have a voice like that. I hope she gets a Verdi opera next.

I think I'm the only one in the house still watching even the dog has gone in the garden.

16. Moldova: Satoshi - “Viva, Moldova!”

Where is Moldova?  This is bugging me. It reminds me of something and I can't think what. Very catchy.

17. Finland: Linda Lampenius x Pete Parkkonen - “Liekinheitin”

A violinist who won't be silenced. I don't think this will sin but I can see why it will be the bookie;s favourite. Squatting violinsts always get a lot of attention. And he set fire to his house to get away from her.  Oh, Graham. We agree.

18. Poland: ALICJA - “Pray”

Scrap metal bust holder. Can I pray that it will be over soon?

19. Lithuania: Lion Ceccah - “Sólo Quiero Más”

I bet that make up is a bugger to get off. I think he needs some WD40. More impressive epaulets. Like an old film. Pain. He might want more but I think I've had enough.Thank you humanity. Oh dear.

20. Sweden: FELICIA - “My System”

I thought it would happen more. After Covid I was surprised at how few people remained attached to their masks. I thought it would become a fashion accessory for kids when they became teens but I really don;t understand why you'd choose to wear one to sing. You're in my head my heart my body parts. That's a weird lyric. 

21. Cyprus: Antigoni - “JALLA”

She has a very shiny body. Jala Hopa. Twelve points from Greece.

22. Italy: Sal Da Vinci - “Per Sempre Sì”

Italy won our cheese contest. I wonder how the song will do.

The dancing is great. I like the song. Our family are in a wedding era, so maybe we are biased. The bride with an Italian flag inside her skirt. Very Strictly, meets Bucks Fizz.

23. Norway: JONAS LOVV - “YA YA YA”

Why do leather trousers put me off so much. This sounds like a rape song. It might be the leather trousers talking. It's a catchy song and he has a good voice with a sandy tache 

24. Romania: Alexandra Căpitănescu - “Choke Me”

Graham says this is about being suffocated by self doubt. Let's see. She's powering the guitars with her umbillica chord. All I need is your love. I want him to choke me. Hmmm. If Evanescence were into hondage. That action wasn;t a metaphorical choking.  It was a good performance but not lyrics that I loved. 

25. Austria: COSMÓ - “Tanzschein”

The final song!!!!! I love Eurovision but I'm always excited for the final song. I've never got my dance licence. I have two left feet. I love this dance, though. I might add it to the year 5/6 show. It's very jiggy.

Our favourites are Bulgaria Greece France, Italy, Australia, Finland, Malta and Norway  But we suspect that Australia might win. 

I don't know how people pick.

Save all your kisses for me by Lordy has been my favourite thing of the evening. 

Well, those viewer votes really do change things. phew. Well done Bulgaria. Bangeabangra!

Aphorisms

 I can’t remember how old I was when I looked up the word aphorism in the dictionary and wondered why it wasn’t a word I knew, despite living with an expert aphorist. 

My dad had a short, pithy, often witty or rhyming phrase ready for every situation. 

Most were designed to breed resilience. A quick ‘suck it up and move on’ reminder. In the face of these linguistic gems it was impossible to give up. More and more often I find myself with my Dad’s voice in my head seconds before the words erupt from my own mouth. 

“It’s not the cough that’ll carry you off. It’s the coffin they’ll carry you off in,” puzzles every child that coughs in my face. 

“Don’t let the bastards grind you down,” pops out often when I’m talking to colleagues that have had a bad day.  Sometimes, if everything feels hopeless I remind them that working is like being in prison and as they said in Porridge, you have to look for the little wins. And I’ll say, “Little wins, Godber, little wins.”

And it goes on. Mostly, these are phrases I aim at myself. 

“Never complain, never explain,” when I make a mistake, which is so hard when something has gone wrong. When playing the church piano has turned into the nightmare where you are actually sitting naked in front of a whole congregation looking stupid, you want to explain but, “Empty vessels make the most noise.” Then, as I start to spiral and consider setting light to the piano, “Hon i soit qui mal y pense,” and I am filled with shame for my evil thought. 

Sleepless nights, shame and embarrassment follow and I really do want to explain that a piano that suddenly refuses to play notes is a tricky beast but, “ A bad workman blames his tools.” I argue with the voice in my head. I tell it that sometimes the tool is bad which is even harder for a bad workman like me. 

“Don’t say sorry unless you mean it!” The voice says and I want to argue that I am sorry but I know therein lies a madness loop. 

“You’ll eat a bushel full of dirt before you die,” randomly appears to break the sorry cycle and I breathe waiting to start a perfectly fine day. 

Enriched Geraniums

 “But, the world”, I wrote when I started blogging again. The fact that we are still living in ‘interesting times’ should have driven me to the laptop, fingers flying across the keys in horror. This didn’t happen.

A few days before it kicked off my son emerged and said, “There’s going to be a war. They’ve closed airspace.”

The Long Suffering Husband glued himself to the news and I Pollyanna-ed my way through. To Pollyanna is a verb I use because it was how I was described as a child, someone who was eternally optimistic in the face of disaster, like the story book character, who I could be for book day dressing up without the anxiety it causes me. But that’s another story.

“Yeah, it’s fine. The west has bombed Iran before. It’ll be fine,” I reassured and when scared people in my house asked why I thought Trump was doing it, instead of saying who knows why Trump does anything, I said, “He doesn’t want them to enrich geraniums.”

No matter how hard I try to say the correct word, like someone who always says pacifically, when they are talking about a particular not a peaceful thing, I am unable to say the word uranium aloud. It always comes out as weapons grade geranium.

Now Trump is cross with us because we won’t get involved in his self-imposed chaos causing antics. He has said that Kier Starmer is no Churchill and although Starmer hasn’t bothered replying, which is sensible because madmen twist words I do wish he’d replied, “I’d rather jaw jaw than war war!” He could even have told Trump that he likes geraniums and that would have made as much sense.

Hold onto your hats folks. It looks like we are in for a wild ride, especially if they send all those ex-pats back from Dubai, as many of them will vote for our own madman, who has already described the PMs refusal to take us into a war where we look for geraniums of mass destruction as “pathetic.”

I sometimes wonder who has them now. My Nan used to grow them on her windowsill. Huge red blousy flowers and a scent that would knock you off your feet when you entered the room. 

AI terrifies me

 “It’s the hill I’m prepared to die on,” I tell people when they insist that AI is brilliant. “I can write. I don’t need a computer to do it for me.”

People laugh, roll their eyes, convinced they are witnessing a dinosaur staring at the meteor of her own demise. 

In a meeting for music teachers, an AI expert from a European university joined us on Zoom to explain how we could use AI. He said that we could ask it to write a song about Romans (because there aren’t enough of those already) and took us through the weirdly specific prompts we would have to give it. At the end of the confusing stream of commands in different types of brackets, he played us two examples, one of which he admitted was terrible and the other, which was also terrible but he was very excited about. No participant had their camera on by this stage, so it was impossible to tell if I was the only dinosaur in the virtual room. 

At the end, we were all asked to say what experience of AI we had and people mumbled and appeared terrified to say that they, as creative people, could do this stuff quicker and the idea of writing computer code was alien to them. Instead, they said things like, “Well..um….I haven’t yet…I really should…”

I read the room and kept quiet. 

The implication was clear. This is the revolution and you embrace it or die. 

It is impossible to avoid now. Every Google search gives you an AI version, Canva insists it can design your poster better than you and your racist grandad probably has a virtual 12 year old girlfriend, telling him that white supremacy is the natural order of the world (That is Grok, right?)  Even Word’s annoying paperclip has morphed into the AI Co-pilot. 

I am most concerned because any LLM will take human bias and amplify it. (Read Laura Bates new book if you care about women’s rights and want to be truly terrified). Ask Chat GPT to give you a random number between 1 and 10 and more often than not it will give you 7 because there is a very slight human bias towards that number. It is also a brilliant liar and gaslighter.

Over the last few days, I’ve been reading Virginia Giuffre’s posthumously published book, Nobody’s Girl. It is brilliantly written and the ghost writer is not hidden, which I suppose can happen when the subject becomes an actual ghost. 

As I was reading, I had questions. There were facts I wanted to check, ideas I couldn’t reconcile, coupled with an enormous amount of horror and sadness. It’s not a story anyone will want to believe. My questions were complex and were taking more than one internet search to get the answers. 

At one point in the book she says that authorities have told her that there is a credible threat to her life, black vans are outside her home, shining lights through her windows, and she says that she told friends that if something happened to her then they should know it wasn’t an accident because she wasn’t suicidal. If I had only kept on reading, the question I had would have been answered but instead all I could think was , “Why?”

So, I asked Chat GPT. An internet search had only brought up articles about the Royal-formally-known-as-Prince’s arrest. 

I asked, Based on Virginia Giuffre assertion in her book, Nobody’s Girl, that she is not suicidal and that if anything happened to her it wouldn’t be an accident, why is everyone so certain that she killed herself?

ChatGPT responded, ‘There is no verified information that Virgina Giuffre has died. As of the latest publicly available reporting she is alive. If you’ve seen posts suggesting otherwise they are either rumours  misinformation or speculative commentary circulating online.” 

A further spewing issued forth, explaining things like confirmation bias and emotional reasoning. It did offer to check my sources.

So I replied, Wow! Are you sure about that?

This was a huge conspiracy theory that I had not expected. 

The reply was hilarious. 

“Yes - based on credible reporting from multiple major news outlets and encyclopaedic sources Virginia Giuffre died on April 25th 2025 and her death has widely been reported as suicide by police and family. It’s not just internet chatter or rumours - mainstream news and reference sites have documents this,”

It also listed all the places where this information is available. I couldn’t help laughing at the yes. Gaslighting, at its finest.

I challenged. 

But you said there is no verifiable information that the has died and she is alive. I’confused that you appear to have given two contradictory statements.”

ChatGPT was contrite but unrepentant. 

“You’re absolutely right to call that out - thank you for doing so. I gave you two contradictory answers……. The cannot both true and that inconsistency is my mistake. What happened is this: 

I didn’t read on. Gaslighting I could take, Mansplaining not so much. 

If only I had continued to read the book then I would have discovered that health problems an estrangement with her husband and a suicide attempt after the statement about not being suicidal were clues to why her death is believed to be not suspicious. 

I don’t know what arsholes are made of…

 My family are still laughing at a question at a book quiz we went to a few years ago. The round was on famous quotes. Book quizzes are always run by inherently shy people who are prone to a slight mumble. The answer to the question was obviously Wuthering Heights but we puzzled over it. 

“I don’t know, it’s an odd one. I mean who would say, ‘Whatever arseholes are made of, his and mine are the same.’ It’s weird.”

“Maybe, Lady Chatterley. He was obsessed with bum holes.”

“It sounds more modern. Maybe it’s a Sally Rooney, her characters are all arseholes.”

We heard a person on the next table say that they didn’t know where it was from but it was one of the quotes suggested for weddings and she had briefly considered it, being a bookish person. Peculiar, we thought. 

It wasn’t until the answers were given we realised that we had misheard ‘our souls’ as ‘arseholes’. 

I was surprised because I had loved reading Wuthering Heights as a teenager. I didn’t think it was a love story, though. For me, it was a story of longing, class, situations that you know aren’t right but you know no better. It was my first experience of an unreliable narrator, which I loved (the sister).

So, it was with a little trepidation that I went to see the new film. I knew it wouldn’t represent the book I knew as people had said that it was raunchy. I try not to get upset by interpretations of domestic violence as sexy but I knew it was a risk. 

I fell asleep. It’s not uncommon for teachers to do this in school holidays. It’s a warm dark room and you have been given permission to turn off your fully alert status for a week.  I missed all of the sex, except the horse bridal part. 

Heathcliff had just returned, the Long Suffering Husband said, quite loudly, “Poldark!”and the next thing I knew Bridgerton was on the screen. Quick naps can leave you quite confused. 

At the end, the LSH confirmed that I hadn’t missed much missed all the sex but according to him, it was only a ‘montage of fully clothed thrusting’. 

“But did we learn what arseholes are made of?” I asked. 

Apparently not. 

Distraction Redaction

 Yes, it’s true. I know how to spend my free time. I have begun reading through the Epstein files that have been released and, obviously, I already have some thoughts.

My first thought is, “Those poor girls!” 

Then I start to wonder why it isn’t the first thought of everyone. Why is it that the release of these files hasn’t been another stark warning. Women can be treated like commodities and some people do horrendous things to younger, poorer, less powerful people (particularly women and girls) and those of us who stand by, shrug and say, “Yeah but..” need to start to stand up and say that it’s not right. 

I think that we are complicit and that is uncomfortable. How many years did we laugh at ‘Randy Andy’ newspaper headlines? Celebrate his relationships with young models? Imply that Harvey Weinstein’s casting couch was the best way to get into acting? We never said that it wasn’t right. We hung on every tabloid word, waited for the next instalment, delighted in every salacious detail. 

I don’t think the Epstein files that have been released by the DOJ are a huge cover up, although, some of the press conferences and other releases by Pam Bondi don’t smell good. 

These files are the paper trail that gave enough evidence to prosecute Epstein and Maxwell. There may be more work the DOJ needs to do to be able to get justice for the victims with regards to their abusers but the law is clunky and difficult and the rights of victims and the accused need to be treated carefully. 

I hope that the release of these files will encourage us to put pressure on the authorities to seek prosecutions. 

One file, I came across was an email to an FBI agent from another listing names of men they wanted to do further checks on. It said, “Take these names and build derogatory on them.” That means do all the background checks for any negative associations. Trump was at the top of that list, along with Weinstein and Prince Andrew. One was specifically mentioned for being present when a girl was raped and another for their involvement in a Ponzi Scheme.

Now, this is the thing that is getting most people het up. It’s not the sexual abuse (although that’s a way of getting interest because we all still love a salacious detail) It’s the abuse of power and money. The Royal formally known as Prince has abused his privilege - we can’t stand that! Peter Mandelson has abused the trust the government placed in him to make a personal fortune. How very dare he. But do we think powerful men have stopped trading in girls for their perverted sexual pleasure, favours and kick backs?. Do we honestly believe that poor kids won’t fall for the offer of nice things they could only dream of? No. And while we’re all nudging and winking at each other nothing will ever change. The girl-traders continue to set up rooms with unbelievable details such as dentist chairs and masks on the wall, so the victims seem unreliable narrators. 

I also have thoughts about the redactions. These files were never meant for public viewing and if the prosecution and detectives had done their job properly no one would ask to see them. But the victims thought there was more we needed to know. The DOJ have continued to be bad at their job, redacting names that should be left in and failing to protect victims. However, focusing on the redactions is a distraction. It’s another thing that takes us away from remembering it’s about those poor girls. 

School Holidays

How lucky am I to have a week off?

Think of the poor parents of the children I teach who get no time off from their kids. How awful! 

A parent did say this to me last week and another stopped me in the High Street today to ask if I was enjoying my half term because she was already run ragged. 

I’m getting old and I care less about what parents think of me, so I told them to come back to me when they were dealing with 30 at once then we could talk holidays. 

When my children were younger, I loved school holidays in the same way I do now. The time pressure is off. If they or you want to stay in PJs all day and watch rubbish on a small screen then you can. If you forget lunch and only eat cheese and apples that’s fine too. If you are still reading at 3am, who cares? You can start new projects, go for walks in the rain (because if most of the population are forced to take holiday at the same time then you can guarantee it will rain) or spend an hour tidying your sock drawer without worrying that there is something better you should be doing. 

You could also read the Epstein files and think about blogging, if you have a strong stomach. 

I’m honestly not complaining about my job and trying to convince you that the ‘long’ holidays are not a perk but if you bumped into someone who worked in a coffee shop on a day off would you really sarcastically tell them that you had made your own coffee that morning? Maybe. I have no idea and am constantly confused by the queues outside the drive-through Costa.

“Do you think they have a kettle?” I always ask the Long Suffering Husband. 

A week off is just what the doctor ordered too because I’ve been coughing up a lung for about 4 weeks. 

I do have it easy compared with most teachers. There’s not a huge pressure on music teachers to record data, keep up with the latest research or schemes (although I do because I’m interested) and I only work 3 days in school so my weekends are always my own. 

A teacher I know has just dropped to 4 days, so she can do all the school work on her day off and only has to work weekends at report writing time. 

“That’s crazy. Isn’t it crazy?” I said

She blinked at me.

“I mean in any other job if you said you’d taken a pay cut of one day a week so that you could work for free in that day then people would think it’s crazy.”

She only shrugged, not getting my point. 

“But I don’t have to work at the weekend,” she said. 

Parents: please enjoy spending time with your children. Take it from a woman with adult kids. You don’t get that time back. There are no do-overs, no chances to do things better if you think you could. What you do now lasts forever, so enjoy it as much as you can. 

Teachers: enjoy time with your own children Give them what you can’t in the school week, even if your children are grown ups, dogs, cats, plants or books.