I worry about the internet

 I have a theory about this virus.  You are probably going to think this is a little whacky but bear with me.

Apart from the symptoms that we know about; breathing difficulties, cough, fever, loss of smell, sticky blood, it seems to be subtly in the air and affecting other things too.

It seems to have sapped human ambition. You see shops that are only open between 10 and 3, empty shelves and bank staff just not bothering to come to the till if there’s a queue. It’s almost like there’s a collective feeling of, “what’s the point?” Maybe it’s the fault of lockdown. We had a glimpse of a smaller, quieter life and we liked it. I get that. I’m a huge fan of noticing the small things. It makes me happy. Look at this poppy seed head for example.

 It might also be a product of our brains being full of conflicting, messages of danger and so the amount of adrenaline running round when there is no actual tiger to fight leaves us incapable of putting as much effort in as we did before. All of this is understandable but what about what it has done to the internet?

I’m fairly certain that the World Wide Web suffering. The coronavirus has got in and somehow started a process of dementia. At first, I thought it was human error. Numbers jumped around and refused to be effectively entered. The government’s coronavirus (COVID-19) website had numbers that just refused to behave. On the 16th of August it said that the total number of tests processed (throughout the whole crisis) was 20 521 243, having gradually risen 17 619 897 the week before but then on the18th the total tests figure dropped to 17 995 470 and only yesterday got back to 20 304 308. I thought it was just that the government realised they had been lying about the data and tried to correct it without anyone noticing but I’m now beginning to wonder. I know big numbers can be confusing and apparently they are one of the first things to go with dementia. It’s why you see so many confused and ranting old people in the bank.

The other early warning sign is when your mapping skills go. People with early dementia get lost and struggle to find their way home in familiar streets. This might explain why, when people are trying to book tests for coronavirus they are sent halfway around the country. Yesterday, I logged into the ABRSM site, that I responsible for music assessments. Obviously, my two usual local test centres weren’t running exams this time because, well, what’s the point? Instead, I asked for the most local test and it tried to book me into Halifax. You see? The internet is losing its marbles. We need to be on the lookout for other early warning signs. If it gets words confused or seems to have mood swings then it will definitely be time to worry.

I know. I’m sorry. You had enough to process already, what with a virus, a confused government, Brexit stuff, a passport to get into Kent and Michael Gove’s Spitting Image puppet but I really think we need to keep an eye on the internet.