Poor Mrs Shapps

Never has our government been exposed to so much scrutiny by the public. In the past they could go around being bumblingly incompetent, making odd decisions and generally acting like fools. If we were lucky a journalist might find out something and if we could be bothered to read it we would know too but mostly that didn’t happen. To be honest, we really weren’t that interested. However, now that there’s a worldwide pandemic, which is threatening to destroy everything about our way of life and possibly even our lives, we are watching their every move.

We can’t quite believe how much like The Thick of It or the House of Cards it actually is. It turns out you can make it up and often it’s very close to the truth.

This week has seen Boris Johnson announce that he lost weight when he was in intensive care and that we should all do the same. He believes that will save us. I can see the logic. He lost 5llbs. He survived. We should lose 5llbs. I’d be surprised if anyone has a period in hospital and comes out heavier than they went in but I’m not the one making the decisions. Being Boris, he has put a figure on it and slapped it onto the side of a bus, so that if we all lose 5llbs it will save the NHS £100 million. It’s not quite the £350 million it’s getting from Brexit but still a big number. Call me a cynic but those few pounds probably aren’t going to make that much difference. If you are overweight it’s probably by stones rather than pounds.

He made this announcement two days before the Chancellor’s BOGOF MacDonalds Monday to Wednesday scheme comes into force. I’m not sure how anyone can lose weight if they are having two  Big Macs for tea three days a week.

This week also saw the government decide that because we have taken so much of the virus to Spain on our holidays causing the cases to rise, people will have to quarantine for two weeks on their return. In an episode straight from the Thick of It, it turns out that Grant Shapps, the transport Secretary was on holiday in Spain with his wife and children. My first thought was that his department really must hate him but it turns out he made the decision and knew it was going to happen before he flew out there. Since then, he flew home, leaving his wife and children there.

If anyone from the government deserved a two week break in Benidorm with the kids it was Grant Shapps. They owed him, after hanging him out to dry in the Press Conference when he wanted to talk about trains but everyone else wanted to know about Cummings trip to Durham.

I think we sometimes forget that politicians are human. Grant Shapps isn’t anything special. He’s not a super being. He’s just a lad from Croxley Green, who went to Manchester Poly and got an HNC in accounting. He obviously came home because he felt the pressure to do what the public think is the ‘right thing’ but it’s Mrs Shapps I feel sorry for.

Poor Mrs Shapps! After 17 weeks of home educating her children she’s now stuck in a hotel in Benidorm with them.
“Why Grant? Why do you have to go back?”
“You don’t understand Belinda. I am the government. I’m needed.”
“I think you deserve a break. They can’t treat you like this. Think of your health.”
“I am, dear. I don’t think I could live with the guilt if I was needed to go into Downing Street and I couldn’t because of my own stupid rules.”
“They are your rules dear. You could just ignore them.”
“O no. That wouldn’t do.”
“Well, I for one, am fed up with all this. I need a break. Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me? There you’ve been, doing your very important work and I’ve been stuck at home with three kids. Have you any idea what it’s like to try to get a 16 year old and 13 year old twins to do their school work, while trying to run an online business? The cleaner couldn’t even come, so I’ve been doing all the housework. You’ve barely lifted a finger at home. I’m shattered!”
“Belinda, Belinda. It’s not real work, is it? Selling a few old clothes on EBay isn’t quite like running the government, is it?”
“I...I don’t believe you just said that!”
“Yes dear. Sorry dear. You are right. You deserve a break. You stay here. I’ll fly back on my own.”

Poor Mrs Shapps. It wasn’t what she hoped for at all. She wanted someone there to tell the kids what to do. She wanted her husband back. All she really wanted was to sit on a sunbed with a novel, ignoring all requests for ice cream, or money to play table football. She wanted him to play tennis in the heat with the kids, while she sipped a gin and tonic. She wanted someone else to cook the tea and to be able to sit on the balcony with her husband and a jug of Sangria while the kids were at the teen disco.

She might as well have stayed at home.