Culture Vulture

“Your favourite programme is back!” the Long Suffering Husband shouted down the stairs.
He had been indulging in a spot of his guilty pleasure - watching 4 in a bed.
“Briefing at 5. Olivier Dowden. Gyms,” my daughter shouted from her four screen pretend office in the dining room, which I would like back but not if it means she loses her job in the major redundancies that the Mirror group are making at the moment. (12% is a lot of workforce to lose and it’s hard not to be worried)
“Did you say gin?” I shouted back.
One day our family will be in the same room for conversations.

I switched on the TV and there was Oliver Dowden, blinking into the camera like a naked mole rat. He was alone. No scientists. No comforting data, graphs and charts to give us confidence that it is now safe. Oliver Dowden is the digital, media, culture and sport secretary and it was his job to announce the exciting news that his wife can now get her nails done and head back to the gym with her Lycra-clad buddies for body-pump with Darren. As the culture secretary he thought he better mention the arts, so he said that they would be doing some research on singing and wind instruments and announced that outside theatre will be possible, “so, you can go to Glyndebourne!”

“You are meant to be the culture secretary you *inserts a barrage of the worst swear words you can imagine* idiot!” I shouted at the TV.

I’m not an expert but I really don’t think we can go to Glyndebourne, in the sense that he means.

Glyndebourne is a big country house near Lewes in Sussex that hosts an annual opera festival. It’s expensive, top quality and the place to be seen if you want to pretend to support the arts. You can still go for a garden tour, maybe take your smoked salmon and champagne packed by Jeeves into your Harrods picnic basket but but you will not be seeing the opera this year.

1. The theatre is indoors.
2. It’s impossible for the singers/actors in an opera to be socially distanced.
3. The live orchestra (with wind and brass players) sit in a cramped space under the stage.
4. They haven’t had any rehearsal time (together)
5. The festival is cancelled.

I’m not saying that everyone should have known this but mole-rat Dowden is the Culture Secretary!