Check, Change, Go and Pigeons

I notice that we have a new three word motto this morning.

Check, change go. These three words aren’t about the government’s position on coronavirus (and I’m sure someone has doctored the above picture) but supposedly about leaving the EU because if 2020 wasn’t difficult enough, we properly leave the EU at the end of the year.

It’s always good to check your change before you leave. I would highly recommend it, especially if you are not very good with numbers.

This government isn’t great at numbers. My evidence is this chart that I spent ages looking at before I asked my mathematically brained son to explain it.

“Oh no, not good. Someone has tried to correct a previous error but then...maybe they’ve copied that figure in there...no...the change of 480 on two consecutive days is suspicious..no...they’ve mucked that up.”

This is a fairly accurate description of what he said, except that he is 22 and words like mucked probably started with an f.

We had a very shocking death figure of 148 reported on Saturday, which was back to 22 on Sunday. It seems as though there was no second wave, only a problem of not checking the change. Most of those deaths were from weeks before that hadn’t been reported. 

It is very hard to trust a government who can’t get simple numbers right.

Now that the government have decided Coronavirus isn’t very important and have turned their attention to the economy, chlorinated chicken and Brexit I have to warn you of something.

It’s the secret service pigeons. They’ve finally lost it. It’s all too much for them. They’ve been there, sitting on statues, listening in, trying to keep a track on us but it’s all getting too much. There’s nothing they can do. The Brexit talks are too much. I want you to take care because staging a ‘coo’ or shitting on it is no longer working and so we have a bunch of suicidal pigeons. They are flying into car windscreens, tangling themselves in nets and jumping from tall buildings without flapping their wings. There are pigeons literally falling from the sky. 

This happened to the secret service pigeons in Moscow in 2016.  They weren’t happy with all the meddling in other country’s affairs and had suddenly lost the will to live. Zombie pigeons were a huge problem, as they fell on small children in parks. 

If you think this year couldn’t  get any weirder then let’s just hope the pigeons get over their disappointment and don’t go full Zombie. The pigeons have checked, tried to change and the only option is to go.