Wednesday 26 August 2020

Land of Hope and Wetness

 Nearly two months ago the Prime Minister said that more details would be forthcoming on relaxing some of the restrictions so that we could see our family and friends in a non-socially-distant way. He said nothing. It is still, technically, illegal to hug your mum or kiss your boyfriend if you live in different houses with more than one person in. Then he went on holiday. Despite a promise to be clearer, he said nothing.

Nearly three weeks ago the A level results came out and potentially mucked up the lives of millions of teenagers. Boris Johnson had hung a huge ‘Do not disturb’ sign around his neck and said nothing.

Then the organisers of the Last Night of the Proms, which is due to be broadcast on the BBC, said that without an audience of flag waving fifty year olds Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory might as well be Orchestra only pieces. It makes sense. Allow the few white middle aged people watching at home to mumble the words without meaning  (possibly incorrectly) and wave their flags. There are conversations that should be had about anthems but this wasn’t one of them. 

Suddenly, the Prime Minister had a lot to say. Oh, don’t get excited. It wasn’t about anything important. Still no word on personal freedoms or whether there is any money for schools to buy soap. No. He wanted to talk about these songs. It was something he ‘just had to get off his chest’. He was very concerned that we are ashamed of our past: Cringing embarrassment he called it and said we needed to stop this wetness.

For years I have been teaching music in primary school and every time we study anthems I ask the children to look at the lyrics and really think about what they mean and whether they represent our country’s values. Invariably they conclude that they like the music but are not so sure about the words. We start with the National Anthem. In a church school they are fine with God saving the Queen and letting her live a long time, they are not so sure about the Victorious line, “She’s called Elizabeth, isn’t she?” Then we listen to some alternatives. Land of Hope and Glory, Rule Britannia, Jerusalem and There’ll Always be an England. All of these songs hark back to our colonial days, where our tiny island fought hard to be an invader rather than be invaded. I think in all of them there is an acknowledgment that slavery is something we do to others to avoid it being done to ourselves. ‘Britons never ever shall be slaves.’ ‘Mother of the free.’ ‘The Empire too, we can depend on you. Freedoms remain.” That’s a hard thought to live with.

These songs don’t represent our current British values but it isn’t ‘wetness’ to want to change them rather than close your ears, suck it up and carry on regardless. Changing lyrics and retiring redundant verses seems a very appropriate thing to do. We did it with the Scotland verse of the National Anthem. It’s still available for historians but definitely never sung. We can’t pretend our past didn’t happen but we can stop pretending that our present/future is the same. 

I love that we live in a country where we can have these discussions. I’m glad that we are able to listen to people who can tell us why these words are not only irrelevant now but also offensive to them.

My summer music concert always ends with a rousing flag waving burst of Land of Hope and Glory. It has become a tradition that everyone loves. This year (if we can have a concert) I will have to think about whether singing these words are appropriate. Maybe I will get the children to change the words to make a celebration song that fits the event. Something like:

Land of Hope and wetness
Sweat on the back of my knees
This concert has been so long
I couldn’t even see
Longer still and longer
All the kids were great
All so brave and mighty
It’s worth staying late
All so brave and mighty
They were really great. 


I think we can all agree that wetness is one word that truly represents this country, whether it’s the sweaty wetness of a warm day or the kind of weather we had yesterday and any anthem for the UK should include the word wetness.

The puddle of life maybe easy may be hard.

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