Just call me Miss T Ache

 I don’t think I’ve been performing very well lately. I’ve made a few mistakes and I can’t decide how to count things. It would be fine but I’m beginning to make other people look bad. That will never do. The only option is to change my name. I was thinking Miss T Ache would work, then you know exactly what you are going to get.

That’s how it works, right? 

The current government are beginning to realise that the general public aren’t too happy. This has been a shock.

“Haven’t we done a good job?” they say.

“Errrrm. Nope.”

“What? Of course we have. Weren’t you listening? World beating.”

“Confused messages, exam cock-ups, half price burgers but lose weight, worst deaths in Europe, Leicester, messages sent by pigeon via Spain, publication of 4 different sets of death figures, cancer services, the jobs lost, theatres, Dominic Cummings, sudden quarantine from holiday destinations, no idea how schools work, failed trace app....actually do I need to go on?”

“Oh yes, there is all that but we’ve done a brilliant job.”

Public picks government up by the scruff of the neck and shouts, “No. Idiot. It’s terrible. So bad that we might not vote for you next time!”

The injection of  self-confidence that conservative ministers received at Eton are suddenly less effective and there is a temporary wobble. There is a moment of self doubt. It is, however, only a moment.

“It’s not our fault,” they cry. “It’s the BBC!”

“The BBC? Don’t you mean the CCD?” a wit jokes, referencing the downgrading of A levels. 

“Did I say BBC? I meant Ofqual.”

“Ofqual, aren’t responsible for the mishandling of the pandemic. That’s your fault.”

“Oh the pandemic. Well that’s down to Public Health England.”

“But PHE are under your control. What about test and trace? That’s been a fiasco too.”

“What a good idea. We could combine the two and rename them.”

“Do you think that would help?”

“Oh yes. We’ll give them another name so that you know what a good job we are doing.”

“What are you going to call them?”

“Service Counting Actual People Earning Government Outstanding Accolades Tracing.”