Sunday 10 May 2020

Be a Lert

I’ve caught myself actually holding my breath thinking about the announcement the Prime Minister plans to make at 7pm this evening. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

It is tempting to criticise a government and think that you would do it so much better if you were in charge. Mostly, I would caution against that because we don’t know, do we? There’s so much we don’t know but I think the announcement of an announcement has been a terrible idea.

For a start, it’s just really undemocratic. These are difficult times that will affect each section of the population differently. A local MP will be able to argue the case for their area; that’s what we elect them for.

It is also dangerous for big decisions to be made by small closed groups because of a psychological phenomenon called Groupthink. This is where the group thinks as one and therefore stops noticing any flaws in their plan. This is how they failed to intercept the attack on Pearl Harbour or let the Challenger Disaster happen.

It puts the press in an unenviable position too. Johnson and Gove know how journalists work; they know who to leak to and what to let them have. They know that we, the public, will be desperate for details and be lapping up any snippet of information they let them have. Even if it’s wrong, it’s a way that they can test public opinion on their ideas, whilst simultaneously destroying our trust in the press.

We are being treated like children. The government says, “We’ve got something that we need you to do. We aren’t going to tell you what it is yet because we can’t trust you. We’ll let you know in a week when you’ve had time to get used to the idea.” It’s like when you warn your toddlers that it will be bedtime in two hours. I keep seeing comparisons with the New Zealand and Scottish ministers, where they speak to their country as if they are talking to adults. Well, maybe not adults because you probably wouldn’t have to explain the tooth fairy to proper grown ups but at least intelligent children.

One of the problems of this approach is that if they don’t trust us then it makes us far less likely to trust them.

Anyway, it has been a week since it was announced that there’d be an announcement. It’s Sunday and the papers have their snippets of leaked information, from various sources (some accurate, some lucky guesses and some just wrong). I’ve looked at some of the headlines and decided that as I can’t hold my breath any longer I would just write Boris’ speech for him now.

“Never in the field of human alpine tunnels have we encountered anything quite so difficult. What we, as a government, have asked you to do has been a challenge. We have asked you to stay at home, protect the NHS and save lives and you, my friends, have risen to these labyrinthine demands in spectacular fashion. You have been prodigious in your efforts to stay at home but we, as the Conservative Party, have become cognisant that you are a bunch of otiose pheasant pluckers who are languishing like pigs in ...
The chancellor, Rishi Sunak, has been extremely generous in putting together a package of measures but it is time to bring that to a close, which is why we are changing the message. 
We set out our five tests that had to be met before we eased lockdown to fire up the engines of our vast economy. The powerhouse demands fuel: coal, nuclear, sunlight. So, today, I am going to set out the roadmap for coming days and months ahead. 
Of the five tests, reproduction, is my chief concern. Willy Johnson is doing very well, thank you. The R rate needs to be as low as possible but like Hercules, cleaning the stables, this is an Augean task. 
We have to be certain that any relaxation we make to the restrictions doesn’t risk a second rise, as any up-stir could impact on reproduction. 
Therefore, from Monday, we are changing the message. We have changed the warning lightbulb from red to green and now our country needs lerts.
Perfectly clear: go to the Isle of White, download the app and be a Lert!”




Now we know, we can breathe for the rest of the day but I will be there at 7, trying to work out what a Lert is.

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