It's very simple, or complicated, depending upon your point of view. These are the steps.
1. Sign up to a Barnardo's Young Supporters Concert.
2. Enrol a choir of about 40 children.
3. Practise a dozen songs every week for two months.
4. When you realise that's not going to be enough time make a CD of your awful singing for each child and cringe anytime a parent mentions listening to it.
5. Suddenly realise there are still words you don't know.
6. Try to learn the words wherever you are: walking the dog, in a queue for the theatre, doing the weekly shop, sitting in a coffee shop. In fact, spend as much time singing to yourself as possible without being sectioned. You will find that if you are nearly 5 times as old as your choir members then it will take you 5 times as long to learn everything.
7. No matter how hard you try you can't help singing, "Food glorious food, hot sausage and custard. While we're in the mood, cold jelly and mustard."
8. The day before the concert eat a good tea of hot sausages and custard and make some star shaped biscuits for the children to eat after the concert. (I like Jo Wheatley's custard cream recipe) This is important. A post concert sugar rush is essential if you want to get home on the coach without tears.
9. Get up at 6am on a Sunday and walk the dog.
10. Arrive in school at about 7am.
11. Count to 37.
12. Load excitable kids onto a coach and travel for two hours to a constant refrain of, "Are we there yet?"
12. Count to 37
13. Arrive a little early and run around the park, warm up on the steps and make sure everyone has been to the toilet.
14. Count to 37.
15. Climb a million steps to put bags and coats in our designated area.
16. Count to 37.
17. Warn the children that they won't be able to go to the toilet again for two hours. Queue for 20 minuites.
18. Count to 37.
19. Climb back down a million and a few more steps to get onto stage.
20. Sing for two hours. Stand up a lot.
21. Count to 37. Hand 32 over to your brilliant colleagues so they can climb a million steps and queue for the toilet and have lunch.
22. Stay on stage with five very brave talented children, while they sound check and practise their solos. This step is optional but I can thoroughly recommend it.
23.Count to five.
24. Go to the toilet without queuing.
25. Get lost and walk around the building for a bit.
26. Climb a million steps.
27. Eat lunch.
28. Remind children that this is their last chance to go to the toilet for 2 1/2 hours.
29. Count to 37.
30. Go outside and run around like mad things for a few minuites.
31. Count to 37.
32. Go back to the stage.
33. Sing more. Stand more.
34. At 3.30/4pm deal with the 'post lunch slump' and try not to punch any teachers from other schools who set a bad example to their kids.
35. Sing more. Stand more.
36. Count to 37.
37. Count to 37 (couldn't resist)
38. Go to a boiler room, I mean dressing room, where your amazing colleagues have single handedly moved all the children's coats and bags, for reasons that remain unclear but were something to do with us being a nice, friendly school.
39. Eat tea.
40. Give out T-shirts.
41. Change tops.
42. Remind children that this is their last chance to go to the toilet for three hours.
43. Count to 37.
44. Go outside.
45. Try to take a picture on the steps.
46. Wonder why the flash on your camera isn't working.
47. Count to 37.
48. Go back to the stage.
49. Sing. Enjoy every second.
50. Burst with pride as your soloists do the most amazing job.
51. Imagine you are surrounded by dancing crisp packets. It's like one of those dreams. You have those dreams, right?
52. Tell the children that Trevor, the man with the huge organ is going to be your next husband. (I love Trevor: a man who knows how to use his organ!)
53. Be amazed by the choirs that won the Barnardo's competition. The children were particularly impressed with the singing Dolphins.
54. Watch the dancing and wonder why so much dance is about girls in pants and why people will insist on clapping out of time.
55. Sing and stand more.
56. Wave flags.
57. Wait until everyone has left the stage and take pictures and chat with the conductor.
58. Count to 37
59. Go back to the dressing room and open the biscuit tin and invite the children to play, 'mustard or custard.'
60. Watch their faces as they timidly bite into the biscuit before declaring, "Phew, it's nice. I've got custard!"
61. Offer some to your colleagues, who are also surprised that there is no beetroot or courgette in them. (I think I have a reputation)
Simple!
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