We've been to a cheese shop and bought 2llbs of cheese. Score sheet has been drawn up and we are ready. Let the cheesefest begin.
|
Country |
Song |
Costume |
Instrument |
Staging |
Performance |
Total |
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Cyprus |
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Albania |
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Israel |
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Belguim |
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Russia |
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Malta |
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Portugal |
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Serbia |
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UK |
|
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Greece |
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Switzerland |
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Iceland |
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Spain |
|
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Moldova |
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Germany |
|
|
|
|
|
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Finland |
|
|
8 |
|
|
|
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Bulgaria |
|
|
|
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Lithuania |
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Ukraine |
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France |
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Azerbaijan |
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Norway |
|
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|
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The
Netherlands |
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Italy |
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Sweden |
|
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San Marino |
|
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Moody boats, muscles, fairies, fires. It's an emotional night. We are all going to start blubbing Graham.
First revelation of the night: Banarama stole Venus from Holland!
The hosts sing. I'm worried what will happen if we win it. I've never heard Graham sing.
Our boy looks a little rough. Has he been out in the coffee houses of Rotterdam?
Look at those people. All together. Yes. I am feeling overly emotional.
Cyprus: Orthodox church is against it. The devil. I bet she doesn't eat cheese. The Long Suffering Husband is enjoying this . Nah Nah Nah Nee Nah Nah. We love a bit of playground singing and fire! Our scores will get harsher
Albania: Noxious gasses. Similar costume to Cyprus. I hope its not all girls in diamond pants. Red farts. Teal farts. Another red one. It is quite dramatic. Very windy.
Israel: Highest note ever performed. B6. Oh God. Nice hair. That's quite impressive. It's making me dance. Although that could be this amazing Brie! Costume change. That's always a winner. She hit the note and Graham's nose is bleeding.
Belgium: At last, we have instruments. She looks tired. Anyone else feel a bit depressed?
Russia: We're going to like this, says Graham. Look at that dress. She's like a Dalek. I wish I understood what she was singing. Fire! Hold on. We are looking for the subtitles. What a great moment. A feminist song. Gets extra points from me.
Malta: More diamond pants. I'm not keen on the pink Venetian blinds. Is the song too Eurovision? I think they are trying too hard. She has a good voice. They enjoyed that.
Portugal: That was a Disney intro if we've ever heard one. Black and white and instruments. All the instruments. I like this a lot, which means that no one else will.
Serbia: I'm a bit bored of girls in pants now. Especially, girls in pats and boots. Graham thinks they look too old for all this hip wiggling in pants. Destiny's Aunt. The LSH agrees. Is that the Macarana I spy? More wind.
Nicky Tutorials: She's famous, and has matched her eyeshadow to her dress perfectly.
UK: Toast to Terry. Yes we are going to sob now. Graham is ok but we do miss Terry. What? He got distracted and we didn't do it. That's better. Here we go. Unguarded and genuine. He has instruments (sort of) I wouldn't stand between two trumpets. Nice touch to have some medics on hand. I don't think they are playing those brass instruments, though. This is a good song. Unfortunately he doesn't have the power in his voice and he doesn't look like a star but it is nice to see someone who isn't a girl in pants.
Greece: Sparkly costume. Is she miming? The invisible man. Top half and bottom half. Spectacular staging but this song has sent me back to the brie.
Switzerland: Graham likes him. Seems a bit boring so far. Chromatic falls and squealing top tones and flashing lights that you can't look at. Why, Graham? What do you like about this?
Iceland: A recorded version because of a positive test result. I like those keyboards. I want one. Those costumes remind me of a Scout uniform. My kind of dance. Those keyboards are the best. They fit together to make a keyboardists cage. How does it keep getting better? We think this might win.
Spain: Why do the boys never seem to make an effort with their costume? Black shirt, moody look and a pirate earing. Total eclipse of the sun. Completely forgettable. When you are hoping that the moon falls on someone's head for a bit of excitement. He loves his mum.
Moldova: Can't wait to see the unlikely backing dancer. Another woman in diamond pants. Gangnam style. these bendy lines are making me feel a bit sick. That was a long note. Long enough to kill her backing dancers.
Germany: A boy who has made an effort. I like the two fingers. Silver instruments. Tap dancing. I like it. It's quirky. And happy. I like happy.
Furious Finland: They do hate. A perfect contrast to Germany. Red middle fingers. A proper grungy metal band. There probably aren't enough people who like this kind of music for it to do well and it's not as quirky as Lordy was. Lack of conditioner in the hotel bathroom. Ha ha.
Bulgaria: I have nothing to say about this song. I like her pyjamas though.
Upstreams. Oh Graham. I'm old too.
Lithuania: A man in a lemon suit. I think the LSH doesn't like it as he's just turned the TV over. It's my kind of dancing though. It is making us laugh. The moving chequerboard is making me feel a bit queasy. Why don't we have a dance column? 11/10 for this dance.
Ukraine: I'm worried that an intense dance track over a folk tune isn't going to sit with my cheese filled head. Yes. That's Orville. Good use of those light rings that teachers don't need now that they don't need to make films for their classes anymore. You know I'm a fan of a recorder. I quite like it. Have I had too much cheese? Poor Orville. I can see that doing well.
France: Edith Piaf. Regardez Moi, she says. We are. A see through top will do that. Shadow of starlings is clever. The LSH just said, "What does she think this is, a singing contest?" She might win if it was. But without a bottle of red wind and a smoke filled room it probably doesn't stand a chance. Has she forgotten the words?
Azerbaijan: Girls in pants. Sniff my bum dance. If my daughter was here I'd have to tell her not to look, no one likes a snake charming song. Why do people like this? It makes me feel a bit anxious.
Norway: This could be an earworm song. He's got something in his eye. This is a cracking song.
Netherlands: The home boy. I feel a bit emotional for him. What a nice voice. I like this. Catchy. Good dance. Nice message. Lots of love in the audience.
Italy: Mould on a bathroom ceiling. Sexy outfit. It's so good to see the boys make an effort. Less angry rock. The LSH is air drumming. It must be good. They're a great bad but this music isn't to everyone's taste.
Sweden: another good voice. Another man making an effort. Good sleeves. I can hear a million voices. This is good too. Is that the first cheesy key change of the contest? I love it. This could win.
San Marino: Jury service with Flo Rider. That's quite a bird that had to die for that costume. Leave her legs alone, dancers. Oh, I see they're just summoning up the strength to pick her up. Flor Rider's quite good isn't he? Victorians in their underwear. This is a lot of fun.
We don't care who wins. There were loads of great performances tonight. It won't be the UK and anyone who suggests that the UK should boycott the show because they obviously hate us is delusional. We've won Eurovision more than we've won the world cup and no one suggests boycotting that (which is a shame because it's a suggestion I could get behind).
Cheese update: Favourite cheese - Fen Farm Baron Bigod cheese. Also a lovely creamy lemon cheese on digestive biscuits all from The Cheesemonger in Chipping Ongar. Half time roof top singing. Covid has a lot to answer for. Some of those performers are too old to be dancing on rooftops.
Voting time. Loving this dancing countdown.
If James doesn't come last it will be.......
Graham says - we all say, "It will be a miracle."
Israel give 12points to the worst song
Poland zebra gives their 12 points to San Marino
San Marino in a sparkly sack give their douze point to la France
Albania compliments all of us and gives 12 points to Switzerland. That was the worst song, right?
Malta. Nice dress. 12 points to Albania.
Estonia. What hair. another 12 points to Switzerland. What were they listening to?
Albania 12 to Serbia
Azerbaijan . Cut couple. 12 points to Russia
Norway. I like that dress. 12 points to Malta. Pink Venetian blinds
Spain. Madrid calling. She's lost a sleeve. 12 points to la France. Voila.
Austria. Equality T-Shirt. 12 points to Iceland. Austria agrees with the UK
UK. Who is that? Big bird? Sounds like Amanda Holden. She's had some work done. I didn't recognise her. We gave 12 points to France. Weird. Not what you'd have thought from Twitter.
Italy. Music is her own life. 12 to Lithuania.
Slovenia. Tin foil jumpsuit. 12 points to Italy.
Greece: Ahhhh. Kali Spera cutie. 12 points to Cyprus. What a surprise.
Latvia. She's fresh of the set of Star Trek. 12 points to Switzerland. Really?
Ireland. 12 points to France
Moldova. Epic sex guy. Oh sorry. I misheard. Sax guy. 12 points to Bulgaria. Misery woman
Serbia. We can overcome anything. 12 points to France.
Bulgaria. Barbie. 12 points to Maldova
Cyprus. Lucus Halitosis. Kali spera. Greece? 12 points to Greece. Even he didn't sound surprised.
Belgium. She's just stepped off the ward. 12 points to Switzerland.
I do not understand this. These votes are on a performance we haven't seen.
I think I fell asleep for a bit.
Germany. Rainbow sash. 12 points to France.
Australia. Aussie Graham Norton. 12 points to Malta.
Finland. That's quite a pair of PJs. 12 points to Switzerland.
Portugal. Pretty in pink. 12 points to Bulgaria.
Ukraine. Her jacket is too big. 12 points to Italy.
Iceland. Fisherman's friend. Nice jumper. 12 points Ja Ja ding dong. Switzerland. Might as well have been Ja Ja Ding Dong.
Romania. Nadia Komenetch. 12 points to Malta
Croatia. He looks like the uncle in Sound of Music. 12 points to Italy.
Czech Republic. Another lost sleeve. I'd like to go to Prague one day. I'll look for her sleeve. 12 points to Portugal.
Georgia. Dressed for the occasion. 12 points to Italy.
Lithuania. He looks like a cartoon. 12 precious points to Ukraine.
Denmark. Tina Miller. 12 points to Switzerland.
Why do Malta look so upset? They are in third place.
Russia. 12 points to Maldova.
France. From the Blackpool tower. Les douze points Greece.
Sweden. Nice mac adjustment. 12 points to Malta.
Switzerland. What? That was so quick I missed it. France.
Netherlands. Another lost sleeve. I wonder where all the sleeves have gone. 12 points to France.
Now for the votes that are based on tonight's performance. The exciting part.
The dog is snoring.
No points for the UK. That's quite sad but he looks OK.
Germany zero from the public.
Spain zero public votes.
Netherlands zero public votes.
Norway must get public votes. 60 points
Serbia gets 82 public points
Albania 35
Azerbaijan 33
San Marino 13 points
Sweden 63 points
Cyprus 44 points
Moldova 62 points
Lithuania 165
Belgium 3 points. Poor Belgium
Israel 20 points
Finland. 218. Currently in the lead.
Greece. 79 points
Ukraine. 267 points Now in the lead
Russia 100 points
Portugal 27 points
Bulgaria 13 points
Iceland 180 points. Puts them top.
Italy 318 points. Can that be beaten?
Malta 47 points. She looks happy now. I'm very confused.
France 251 points. Second place.
Just Switzerland to get public votes. If the public heard what I heard then they don't stand a chance. They need 258 points.
This is tense.
Get on with it.
Do we need a recap?
We are ready.
Still ready
come on
165 points.
ITALY.
THE FAVOURITE WON.
They were the best musicians.
I enjoyed that.
Can they still perform when they are three sheets to the wind? Oh yes, they can. Proper musicians.
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