B.1.617

 Yes, it’s true. We are now on Boris version 1.617. 

It’s still that shit parent, who is too scared that his kids won’t like him if he doesn’t give them everything they want, so that they have teeth full of fillings or are constantly running in the road. Instead of saying, “No,” to the children he warns, “Wait til your mother gets home.”

Mummy Whitty, however, has completely lost it. Too many gins. Overworked. Overwrought and on the edge of the breakdown. Tries to explain but has forgotten to use child friendly language.

The brothers and sisters try to ask questions. They’ve been around a bit and have been trying to work out what it’s all about for themselves but they’re just kids. They don’t have all the facts and are easily distracted by royals and wallpaper. 

The virus, however, is blooming spectacular. The more people it goes into, the stronger it gets. This is quite unusual for a virus. Virus version B.1.617 has got here from India and it’s making Scientists panic because it has spread really quickly. Cases have tripled in a week. No one can work out how it got here. Boris B.1.617 was asked by one of the siblings why flights had been allowed in from India and he said it was because he didn’t know. He thought Pakistan was worse. Easy mistake. We’ve all been there. Not to India, that would be ridiculous. Not all of us. Enough to bring a new variant of coronavirus back to the uk. But definitely not all of us. What I was trying to say was that we’ve all confused India and Pakistan. Most of us realised that if it was illegal to hug our grown up children we shouldn’t be allowed to go to India (or Pakistan) and come back again. 

With any luck, none of this will matter. Go willing, the vaccine will still be effective, which is looking to be true at the moment but it is too early to say because it might just be that the young haven’t passed it to us oldies yet. However, it is important to be cautious because until everyone is vaccinated each person infected could turn the virus into a vaccine resistant variety and that would be a problem with hospitals filling up again. Nothing has been done to improve our medical systems.  

Another sibling asked, “If someone was planning to visit one of the areas where this new variant is prevalent and was going to stay overnight and hug people, would you recommend that they didn’t.”

Boris B.1.617 said, “I’m glad you asked that question. The British public is always sensible.”

Good, clear advice there B1.617.

I’ve not been a fan of any version of Boris but this one has made me feel quite sick with anxiety. Only a few days ago he was telling us hugging was now compulsory and now the scientists are worried enough to shorten the time between the first and second vaccines. No one enjoys a surprise Boris. Most people don’t watch them. They think he does a press conference every Friday (he doesn’t) Surprise press conferences always give bad news, however, this was one of the worst. The message was, “Be afraid, be very afraid but don’t do anything about it. This thing might never be over.”

For the people who have put comments on news articles I think he should have explained that calling it the Indian variant doesn’t mean that white people can’t catch it. That would have been useful.