Weddings

 I’m conflicted.

I love a wedding. It’s the hope, the love, the expectation that it will last forever, the flowers, the outfits and the smiles. A wedding makes people happy and after the time we’ve all had we need a bit of happiness. It was very kind of the Prime Minister to marry his girlfriend and give us all a bit of happiness. Really. I mean it. I’m not being sarcastic. I do love a wedding.

At first, it was difficult to excited about it. Without pictures or descriptions of the dress and smiling happy guests it felt as though we had been cheated. 

Then came confusion. Who knew the Prime Minister was catholic? How can a divorced person be married by a Catholic priest? How can anyone have a secret wedding in a church? Do so few people attend church that the reading of the banns was completely missed? 

I didn’t like myself for all these thoughts. If a young woman wants to marry a scruffy man almost as old as her absent father, with questionable morals and a track record of faithlessness then who am I to spoil that? If we were going to have a wedding then why can’t we just be happy for them?

Then, finally, we got the picture of the dress.

I’m ashamed to say that my first thought was, “Oh, that woman has terrible taste!”

This might be true but it was mean of me and speaks of my age because 1970s inspired bo-ho weddings are all the rage.

The reason that women spend so much money on their wedding dress is because the picture should be timeless. Of course, there is no such thing because fashion dates. When I got married it was all big pouffy dresses and even bigger hair. The Seventies, however, were a fashion disaster. Wedding dresses were so awful that many women just quietly got married in a register office in brown flares and a jacket. Those who were married in the 1970s just hid their Wedding photos. Very few people looked good in that floaty unstructured garment. 

“What on earth possessed me to get married in that?” they cry, “I looked like I was wearing my nighty!”

“It was a very odd look. Very gothic ghost, but we all fell for it.”

The fashion of the Seventies was inspired by Edwardian dress sense, with its new freedom and looseness but that didn’t last long because of a war and virus killing off most of the men. I wonder if when my younger Aunts got married there were older women like me (although probably unmarried because of the war and stuff) looking at them and thinking about the fashion of their youth and how awful it was. Maybe those spinster aunts would have associated the looseness of the dress with its sleeves that dripped in your gravy to have caused the blight that fell on their generation. I’m not saying that loose lace sleeves and big floppy hats or huge flower crowns are necessarily bad but in my mind they lead to rigid tops, flouncy skirts and Cold War. In the the mind of the old unmarried aunts of the 1970s it lead to death, destruction, grief, illness and poverty. 

So, I am going to bite my tongue and not mention that the lace ladder down the front looks like a zip or point out that the Prime Minister could have at least bought a new tie. Instead, I’m going to hope that for this young woman the love she has now lasts forever. I’m going to hope that she will be able to look back on her photos in 30 years time and not be ashamed of her choices.

Cummings Groupthink

 Yes, I watched hours of the select committee interview with Dominic Cummings when I got home from work yesterday. I know. It’s sad. I could have watched a good murder, or a surreal drama about people with weird personality disorders but instead I plumped for ‘real life.’ 

There will be many commentators better than me who will dig into the details of what was said but my thoughts are that I watched a surreal drama about people with weird personality disorders and and attempted murder. 

I think the murder will fail.

Journalists (and me) were initially very shocked. No one expected such detail, or specifics. No one expected him to say that because of the government’s actions thousands of people died that didn’t need to. That must have been very hard for anyone who is grieving someone who died from Covid, However, I think when it all shakes down and what he actually said gets written up most people will shrug their shoulders and say that he has not said anything we didn’t know and anyway we can’t trust him because we know he lies.

We knew Matt Hancock was in way over his depth but we have forgiven him because he seems to have learnt a lot. As Baroness Warsi said on HaveI Got News For You, “We learnt at nursery that as long as people who are trying their best then we are nice to them.”

We know that the Prime Minister is all the things Dom said he was and apparently that just makes him more loveable.

We know mistakes were made. We are not stupid but we just don’t want to talk about them. We don’t even want to think about them. Can this just all be over now? PLEASE!

My main thought about the interview, though, was that Dominic Cummings doesn’t understand Groupthink.

It’s strange that he has latched onto this particular theory. He mentioned it several times in the interview and has written about it on his blog. I find it odd because he is also very disparaging about what he calls ‘pseudo-scientists’ who are psychologists - precisely the people who developed his favourite theory.

I’ve written about Groupthink before. Social Psychology and theories about how people behave in groups was my favourite part of my degree. This theory has probably been watered down and condensed to be taught at GCSE now, because that’s the way of things but when Dominic Cummings has his own version of the word to pedal his own ideas, I wonder if it’s the right thing to do.

Dom is a man that hates big institutions. He hates the civil service, the BBC, the European Union, the NHS. He’s a man who probably feels a bit uncomfortable in a large group. It’s more difficult to convince a large group that you are in fact a genius, while still protesting that you are not smart in a large group because some people will see through you. Therefore, he surrounds himself with a small group of ‘experts’ who think like he does. These are the requirements for Groupthink to happen.

According to Dom, Groupthink was what he was trying to avoid. He didn’t want the huge organisation of Parliament getting their mitts on this and questioning his decisions. He didn’t want the thoughts of the large group to interfere with his plans for world Dom-ination. He thinks of large groups as ‘the blob’. He imagines that a large group is all thinking the same thing and just not understanding his genius because they aren’t able to see his new and brilliant perspective. In fact, what is happening is that individuals in the large group are able to say, “hang on, this doesn’t feel right,” and it gets looked at again. All Groupthink theorists believe that large groups are better. 

The theory was developed by Irvine Janis and came from an analysis of bad governmental decisions, namely, the bombing of Pearl Harbour, the Bay of Pigs invasions and the Vietnam war. In all of those cases the decisions were made by small groups and not checked with the larger part of government. 

As much as I think the government needs to be held to account for mis-handling the pandemic (especially the refusal to get proper control over our borders) I’m not sure that Mr Cummings is the right person to start that happening.

Personally, thanks to Spitting Image I can’t think of Cummings as anything other than an odd alien that we should all ignore.

Beware the choristers

 Initially, in the roadmap for unlocking the second time, choirs were to be allowed to go back to rehearsing from the May 17th date. This was because, despite whatever Sharon on Facebook says, the research proved that singing is no less safe (in terms of spreading Covid) than speaking and is actually more safe than shouting. However, something weird happened and the government changed their minds. Choir directors all over the country, planning to restart their work (because it is work and not just a nice little hobby) woke up on the morning of the 17th of May to discover that things had changed. Lots of industries have been there, I know but usually the reason made some sort of sense.

Now, I would just like to point out that this is only adult choirs. Children’s groups, whatever they were up to have been allowed to meet for a while and singing has been allowed in schools from day one (unless you have a headteacher who hasn’t properly read everything and has listened to Sharon). The reason for this is that Covid doesn’t spread in schools. Children are perfectly safe and the government keeps secret any data about school transmission to prove it.

There are proven health benefits to singing in a choir but let’s ignore those in favour of persuading the oldies to stand in the park in the cold and rain with a set of kettlebells.

I’ve tried not to feel cross about this. It’s all fine. Not much longer to go. Vaccinations are going well. William Shakespeare has died of natural causes, rather than Covid, so it’s all fine. We are all going to be doing normal things soon, except Leicester, Bolton and Darwin because a conservative government just can’t work out how to help people who live in poverty and actually have no choice about staying at home.

However, the news came that Wembley stadium is going to run at full capacity for the Euros because no one ever sings at the football. Then the TV showed a dart match, where the spectators were inside, without masks (because they had a pint on the table) singing, shouting, hugging and jumping around all over the place. It’s fine though because they’ve been tested, right? They stuck a cotton bud up their own nose and self reported the test result and none of them would have done it wrong or mis-reported the result. No one who had expensive tickets to a live sporting event would ignore symptoms of illness and go anyway.

I get it. If I had to release people back into the wild slowly I would choose not to piss off the sport-loving yobs. Choristers seem much less dangerous. However, the government need to be very careful. Choristers are silent assassins. They’d drop strychnine in your tea as soon as look at you, paint arsenic on your wallpaper, coat your door handle in polonium and most have a little patch of deadly nightshade and hemlock growing in their back yard. They’ve been patient but they can’t bear injustice.

Beware the choristers!

Weddings

 This morning, on the the 30th Anniversary of my wedding to the Long Suffering Husband, the news is full of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds upcoming wedding. 

A cynical person might suggest that this news is a distraction. Carefully placed because the government have been busy trying to pretend that their initial policy for dealing with Coronavirus wasn’t their policy, even though everyone knows it was. Our memories aren’t that short or our ears that dysfunctional. We all heard them say ‘herd immunity’ several times. It might not have been wrong (although probably China and Italy could have given them a clue) but it was and they had to change their minds. I think it’s alright to misunderstand. We learn from our mistakes but if we pretend we didn’t make the error in the first place we can never improve. We are not even distracted enough by Dominic Cummings 58 thread tweet on the subject. The problem with people who think they are geniuses is that they just can’t summarise. Actually, I have read the tweets and I think it boils down to, “I was there, we did pursue herd immunity because we didn’t want to learn anything from Asians and we know that we don’t follow rules so we couldn’t see why you lot would. we’ve been slow to change our minds and even now the government are doing everything wrong. I can say this because I was sacked and so I can pretend it was nothing to do with me. I mean, why would it be? I’m a genius and here are some acronyms and graphs you won’t understand. Oh, and I’ll pretend that it’s the fault of psychologists because it’s fun to say pseudo-scientists.”

The big news with this planned wedding, though, is that Boris is prepared to pay for it himself. Not the venue, obviously, because that’s going to be Chequers, which he gets to use when he likes but he will pay for the food and presumably the flowers and the vicar. The poor man. You have to feel sorry for him. Clearly, strapped for every penny, he can be seen scouring the reduced shelf of Tesco on a Saturday evening. In the scrum, waiting for the 1p bread rolls, or the slightly dented tomatoes. That’s what happens when you are so poor you have to persuade a mate to smuggle in £12,500 worth of gourmet takeaways during a pandemic and borrow money to do up your rented council flat. The poor man. 

Hasn’t he ever heard of getting the bride’s father to pay for it?

This might be an old fashioned approach. Even we didn’t do that (completely) 30 years ago although my parents did pay for the venue and catering. It also might be more tricky for Carrie to tap up her old man. Matthew Symonds is a journalist (founded the Independent) and could probably afford it but I guess that his wife and three children might not be quite so happy for him to fund his love-child’s extravagant tastes, although, this might not be a problem as the whole family tree is littered with children born out of affairs.

Whatever happen with Boris and Carrie’s wedding I think we can be certain the marriage won’t last as long or as be as happy as my marriage to the LSH. He is one very lucky man. Finding the one person I wanted to annoy for the rest of my life has meant that today I’m not going to think any more about politics .

 Instead I’m going to put pearls before swine and have lunch at the Blue Strawberry to celebrate 30 years of wedded hysteria. It’s a joy to find someone that makes you laugh, even after all this time.

Eurovision Begins - This is Rotterdam!

 We've been to a cheese shop and bought 2llbs of cheese.  Score sheet has been drawn up and we are ready.  Let the cheesefest begin.

Country	Song	Costume	Instrument	Staging	Performance	Total
Cyprus	8	8	0	8	8	32
Albania	2	4	0	7	6	19
Israel	7	9	0	8	8	32
Belguim	1	4	7	5	5	22
Russia	8	10	0	10	9	37
Malta	8	7	0	7	9	31
Portugal	10	8	10	8	9	45
Serbia	3	4	0	3	4	14
UK	9	6	8	7	4	34
Greece	1	2	0	9	5	17
Switzerland	2	2	0	2	4	10
Iceland	8	9	10	9	9	45
Spain	2	1	0	4	3	10
Moldova	6	6	0	2	8	22
Germany	7	8	8	7	10	40
Finland	8	8	8	2	7	33
Bulgaria	7	5	0	8	8	28
Lithuania	6	8	3	5	10	32
Ukraine	7	7	9	7	9	39
France	9	7	0	9	10	35
Azerbaijan	6	6	0	6	5	23
Norway	10	9	0	3	8	30
The Netherlands	8	8	0	10	10	36
Italy	6	8	10	7	10	40
Sweden	10	8	0	8	10	36
San Marino	10	8	0	7	10	35

Moody boats, muscles, fairies, fires.  It's an emotional night.  We are all going to start blubbing Graham. 

First revelation of the night: Banarama stole Venus from Holland!

The hosts sing.  I'm worried what will happen if we win it.  I've never heard Graham sing.  

Our boy looks a little rough.  Has he been out in the coffee houses of Rotterdam?

Look at those people.  All together.  Yes. I am feeling overly emotional.

Cyprus:  Orthodox church is against it.  The devil.  I bet she doesn't eat cheese. The Long Suffering Husband is enjoying this .  Nah Nah Nah Nee Nah Nah. We love a bit of playground singing and fire!  Our scores will get harsher

Albania:  Noxious gasses.  Similar costume to Cyprus.  I hope its not all girls in diamond pants.  Red farts.  Teal farts. Another red one.  It is quite dramatic.  Very windy. 

Israel:  Highest note ever performed. B6.  Oh God.  Nice hair.  That's quite impressive. It's making me dance.  Although that could be this amazing Brie! Costume change.  That's always a winner.  She hit the note and Graham's nose is bleeding.

Belgium:  At last, we have instruments.  She looks tired.  Anyone else feel a bit depressed?

Russia:  We're going to like this, says Graham.  Look at that dress. She's like a Dalek. I wish I understood what she was singing.  Fire!  Hold on.  We are looking for the subtitles.  What a great moment.  A feminist song.  Gets extra points from me.

Malta:  More diamond pants.  I'm not keen on the pink Venetian blinds.  Is the song too Eurovision?  I think they are trying too hard.  She has a good voice.  They enjoyed that.

Portugal:  That was a Disney intro if we've ever heard one.  Black and white and instruments.  All the instruments.  I like this a lot, which means that no one else will. 

Serbia: I'm a bit bored of girls in pants now.  Especially, girls in pats and boots. Graham thinks they look too old for all this hip wiggling in pants.  Destiny's Aunt. The LSH agrees. Is that the Macarana I spy? More wind. 

Nicky Tutorials:  She's famous, and has matched her eyeshadow to her dress perfectly.

UK:  Toast to Terry.  Yes we are going to sob now.  Graham is ok but we do miss Terry.  What? He got distracted and we didn't do it. That's better.  Here we go.  Unguarded and genuine. He has instruments (sort of)  I wouldn't stand between two trumpets.  Nice touch to have some medics on hand.  I don't think they are playing those brass instruments, though.  This is a good song. Unfortunately he doesn't have the power in his voice and he doesn't look like a star but it is nice to see someone who isn't a girl in pants.

Greece:  Sparkly costume.  Is she miming? The invisible man. Top half and bottom half. Spectacular staging but this song has sent me back to the brie.

Switzerland:  Graham likes him.  Seems a bit boring so far.  Chromatic falls and squealing top tones and flashing lights that you can't look at.  Why, Graham?  What do you like about this?

Iceland:  A recorded version because of a positive test result. I like those keyboards.  I want one. Those costumes remind me of a Scout uniform. My kind of dance. Those keyboards are the best.  They fit together to make a keyboardists cage.  How does it keep getting better?  We think this might win.

Spain:  Why do the boys never seem to make an effort with their costume?  Black shirt, moody look and a pirate earing.  Total eclipse of the sun. Completely forgettable. When you are hoping that the moon falls on someone's head for a bit of excitement.  He loves his mum.

Moldova:  Can't wait to see the unlikely backing dancer. Another woman in diamond pants. Gangnam style. these bendy lines are making me feel a bit sick.  That was a long note.  Long enough to kill her backing dancers.

Germany:  A boy who has made an effort.  I like the two fingers. Silver instruments. Tap dancing.  I like it.  It's quirky.  And happy.  I like happy. 

Furious Finland:  They do hate.  A perfect contrast to Germany. Red middle fingers.  A proper grungy metal band.  There probably aren't enough people who like this kind of music for it to do well and it's not as quirky as Lordy was.  Lack of conditioner in the hotel bathroom.  Ha ha.  

Bulgaria:  I have nothing to say about this song.  I like her pyjamas though.

Upstreams.  Oh Graham.  I'm old too.

Lithuania:  A man in a lemon suit.  I think the LSH doesn't like it as he's just turned the TV over. It's my kind of dancing though.  It is making us laugh.  The moving chequerboard is making me feel a bit queasy. Why don't we have a dance column? 11/10 for this dance.

Ukraine:  I'm worried that an intense dance track over a folk tune isn't going to sit with my cheese filled head.  Yes.  That's Orville. Good use of those light rings that teachers don't need now that they don't need to make films for their classes anymore.  You know I'm a fan of a recorder.  I quite like it.  Have I had too much cheese? Poor Orville. I can see that doing well.

France: Edith Piaf. Regardez Moi, she says.  We are.  A see through top will do that.  Shadow of starlings is clever.  The LSH just said, "What does she think this is, a singing contest?" She might win if it was.  But without a bottle of red wind and a smoke filled room it probably doesn't stand a chance.  Has she forgotten the words?

Azerbaijan: Girls in pants.  Sniff my bum dance.  If my daughter was here I'd have to tell her not to look, no one likes a snake charming song.  Why do people like this?  It makes me feel a bit anxious.  

Norway:  This could be an earworm song. He's got something in his eye. This is a cracking song. 

Netherlands:  The home boy.  I feel a bit emotional for him.   What a nice voice. I like this.  Catchy.  Good dance.  Nice message.  Lots of love in the audience.

Italy: Mould on a bathroom ceiling.  Sexy outfit.  It's so good to see the boys make an effort.  Less angry rock.  The LSH is air drumming.  It must be good.  They're a great bad but this music isn't to everyone's taste.

Sweden:  another good voice. Another man making an effort.  Good sleeves.  I can hear a million voices.  This is good too.  Is that the first cheesy key change of the contest?  I love it.  This could win.

San Marino:  Jury service with Flo Rider.  That's quite a bird that had to die for that costume.  Leave her legs alone, dancers.  Oh, I see they're just summoning up the strength to pick her up.  Flor Rider's quite good isn't he? Victorians in their underwear.  This is a lot of fun.  

We don't care who wins.  There were loads of great performances tonight.  It won't be the UK and anyone who suggests that the UK should boycott the show because they obviously hate us is delusional.  We've won Eurovision more than we've won the world cup and no one suggests boycotting that (which is a shame because it's a suggestion I could get behind).

Cheese update:  Favourite cheese - Fen Farm Baron Bigod cheese.  Also a lovely creamy lemon cheese on digestive biscuits all from The Cheesemonger in Chipping Ongar.  Half time roof top singing.  Covid has a lot to answer for.  Some of those performers are too old to be dancing on rooftops.

Voting time.  Loving this dancing countdown.

If James doesn't come last it will be.......

Graham says - we all say, "It will be a miracle."

Israel give 12points to the worst song

Poland zebra gives their 12 points to San Marino

San Marino in a sparkly sack give their douze point to la France

Albania compliments all of us and gives 12 points to Switzerland.  That was the worst song, right?

Malta.  Nice dress.  12 points to Albania.

Estonia.  What hair.  another 12 points to Switzerland.  What were they listening to?

Albania  12 to Serbia

Azerbaijan . Cut couple. 12 points to Russia

Norway. I like that dress. 12 points to Malta. Pink Venetian blinds

Spain. Madrid calling.  She's lost a sleeve.  12 points to la France. Voila.

Austria. Equality T-Shirt. 12 points to Iceland. Austria agrees with the UK

UK.  Who is that?  Big bird? Sounds like Amanda Holden.  She's had some work done.  I didn't recognise her. We gave 12 points to France.  Weird. Not what you'd have thought from Twitter.

Italy.  Music is her own life. 12 to Lithuania.

Slovenia.  Tin foil jumpsuit.  12 points to Italy.

Greece:  Ahhhh.  Kali Spera cutie.  12 points to Cyprus.  What a surprise.

Latvia.  She's fresh of the set of Star Trek.  12 points to Switzerland. Really?

Ireland.  12 points to France

Moldova. Epic sex guy.  Oh sorry.  I misheard. Sax guy.  12 points to Bulgaria.  Misery woman

Serbia. We can overcome anything. 12 points to France.

Bulgaria. Barbie.  12 points to Maldova

Cyprus.  Lucus Halitosis. Kali spera.  Greece?  12 points to Greece.  Even he didn't sound surprised.

Belgium.  She's just stepped off the ward.  12 points to Switzerland.  

I do not understand this. These votes are on a performance we haven't seen.

I think I fell asleep for a bit.

Germany.  Rainbow sash. 12 points to France.

Australia.  Aussie Graham Norton.  12 points to Malta.

Finland.  That's quite a pair of PJs.  12 points to Switzerland.

Portugal.  Pretty in pink.  12 points to Bulgaria.

Ukraine.  Her jacket is too big.  12 points to Italy.

Iceland.  Fisherman's friend. Nice jumper.  12 points Ja Ja ding dong.  Switzerland.  Might as well have been Ja Ja Ding Dong.

Romania.  Nadia Komenetch. 12 points to Malta

Croatia.  He looks like the uncle in Sound of Music.  12 points to Italy. 

Czech Republic.  Another lost sleeve.  I'd like to go to Prague one day.  I'll look for her sleeve.  12 points to Portugal.

Georgia.  Dressed for the occasion.  12 points to Italy.  

Lithuania.  He looks like a cartoon. 12 precious points to Ukraine.

Denmark.  Tina Miller.  12 points to Switzerland.

Why do Malta look so upset?  They are in third place.

Russia.  12 points to Maldova.

France.  From the Blackpool tower.  Les douze points Greece.

Sweden.  Nice mac adjustment.  12 points to Malta.

Switzerland. What?  That was so quick I missed it. France.

Netherlands.  Another lost sleeve.  I wonder where all the sleeves have gone.  12 points to France.

Now for the votes that are based on tonight's performance.  The exciting part.

The dog is snoring.

No points for the UK. That's quite sad but he looks OK.

Germany zero from the public.  

Spain zero public votes.

Netherlands zero public votes.

Norway must get public votes.  60 points

Serbia gets 82 public points

Albania 35

Azerbaijan 33 

San Marino 13 points

Sweden 63 points

Cyprus 44 points

Moldova 62 points

Lithuania 165

Belgium 3 points. Poor Belgium

Israel 20 points

Finland.  218.  Currently in the lead.

Greece. 79 points

Ukraine. 267 points Now in the lead

Russia 100 points

Portugal 27 points

Bulgaria 13 points

Iceland 180 points.  Puts them top.

Italy 318 points. Can that be beaten?

Malta 47 points.  She looks happy now.  I'm very confused.

France 251 points.  Second place.

Just Switzerland to get public votes.  If the public heard what I heard then they don't stand a chance.  They need  258 points.

This is tense.

Get on with it.

Do we need a recap?

We are ready.

Still ready

come on

165 points.

ITALY.

THE FAVOURITE WON.  

They were the best musicians.

I enjoyed that.

Can they still perform when they are three sheets to the wind?  Oh yes, they can.  Proper musicians.