Masters of Manipulation

 Boris is back from his latest holiday, just in time for Wilf to dress up as a pooping dragon, to say that he will ‘have difficulty’ voting for the latest Brexit deal. Possibly because he will be on another trip but more likely to continue to create chaos that he and his mates love so much.

“Oh stop it, you complete F**weasel!”

Lately, I’ve been shouting at the radio, using many words that I intend to publish in my forthcoming book - Twatter: a creative guide to swearing.

These master manipulators just incite my potty-mouth.

Isabel Oakeshott and her boyfriend Richard Tice are another pair that unleash a string of foul-mouthed expletives. She popped up on my radio the other morning to defend releasing all of Matt Hancock’s pandemic WhatsApp messages. She was given them to write his Pandemic Diaries book (famous people hardly ever write their own). “If anyone thinks I’m motivated by the money they’re mad,” she said.

“We’re all mad then, you reprehensible c**womble!”

She’s manipulating us. And we love it. 

The messages are released to be drip-fed to us to suit an agenda. They are designed to make us angry and to talk about it. We are supposed to laugh at the stupidity of Matt Hancock and believe that government decisions are made by private messages between colleagues. If the enquiry finds that they were then they should be in serious trouble but who of us hasn’t sent a gif or a message to a friend about work? 

By the evening, during teacher’s strikes when schools were positively in the news with their cute World Book Day pictures, another one of them was on the radio.

I prefer not to dress up to celebrate books but pictures are cute and great publicity for schools

 This time talking about a message where the Single-brain-cell-wide-mouth-frog that was the Education Secretary had said that teachers ‘didn’t want to work.’ I don’t know which rich pollock it was but I’m fairly certain it was one of those that whipped us up over migrants, boats, sovereignty, buses and the NHS before.

“Oh, please. Stop baiting us, you mendacious w**stain.”

I don’t understand why they want us to be angry. I’d love to know why they work so hard to create chaos, fear and fury. What do they get out of it? Surely people work better and harder when they are happy. 

The truth is that managing a pandemic was hard and we can never know what would have happened if they had chosen another path. We are in a period of recovery and if I know anything about anything it’s that all you should do after a trauma is wait, be quiet, listen and reflect. A bit of light yoga, some gentle breathing, take your vitamins and whatever you do don’t rake over the what-ifs.

Meanwhile, we are being distracted from this recovery by truth twisting c**puffins, drip feeding us WhatsApp messages to make us angry.