I have been feeling quite confused lately. I think my brain worked so hard to understand things through Brexit and the pandemic that it just wants a rest but it’s not getting it. Now we have war brought to you by the same clowns that couldn’t order plastic gloves and aprons during an outbreak of a new and deadly virus; the same people that thought they could cancel their gym membership and still use the pool for free. That’s not fair, they didn’t bring us a war but there is a war and they have absolutely no idea how to manage it. I thought that listing the things I’m confused about might help.
1. Killing people is wrong. It’s murder, unless there’s a war then it’s perfectly fine and the more you kill the better, unless you lose, in which case you can be tried for war crimes because you murdered too many people. Wars against people that look like you are worse than wars against people with brown skin or different religions.
2. Nuclear weapons are meant to have prevented wars but seem to have given those that have them more confidence to start them and make other too frightened to stop them.
3. Sanctions: I understand nothing of sanctions. It’s a meaningless word. Is it the naughty step of war, for the hapless population that just happened to be sitting next to the naughty kid?
4. Fuel rises are confusing. We only have 4% Russian oil but it’s having a big impact on our prices. Even companies that claim to only use renewable energy are putting prices up.
5. Super yachts are something I’ve never understood but what will happen to the Oligarch’s yachts that the government has seized in sanctions? What I do know about boats is that they require a lot of maintenance and I’m not sure I trust the government to do that. Will there be a huge compensation bill from litigious Russians when it’s over and they have to give the barnacle encrusted shell back? “You broke my boat, give me a squillion pounds or I’ll tell people what you did with that ferret at Eton.”
6. The Met Police. Why do they keep making the worst PR mistakes ever? A vigil for a woman who was kidnapped, raped and murdered by a serving officer - arrest the peacefully protesting women. Squatters in an Oligarch’s empty London mansion, claiming to have secured it for Ukrainian refugees - more armed police than refugees that have been let in to the country and a speedier response time than for any other crime. Prime Minister breaking his own laws - investigate by sending a questionnaire to his clever lawyers and never tell anyone what they say.
7. People who think they understand what is going on. These people confuse me more than most and they can be so nasty. ‘It’s simple’, they say. ‘The meerkat is bad. Russians should all be shot. Fill your house with Ukrainians or you are a bad person too.’
8. The Russian Embassy in the UK’s Twitter account. It’s bonkers and beautiful at the same time. Sticking to the party line it looks deranged but then it posts pictures of a place I’ve always wanted to visit but been too scared by my conditioning as a teenager of the Eighties.
9. Elon Musk. The man has challenged Putin to a bundle outside the gates after school - winner gets Ukraine (which isn’t either of theirs to give)
10. Homes for Ukrainians. Is it me, or is this scheme ill thought out? Give someone your spare room (but don’t feed them) for at least six months but not more than three years. Ukrainians who live in this country, however, still can’t get their elderly parents to come and live with them unless they are prepared to pick fruit. What happens at the end of the war when children have been in school and parents have jobs? Will individuals be responsible for evicting them, or shopping them to the authorities if they don’t want to go back to a bombed out city that holds all their trauma?
11. What’s the difference between 3000 and 300000? What’s a few zeros between friends? Big numbers confuse people. That’s how they got Brexit through. You liked a big number lie before, why are you so upset now? Poor Michael Gove, it’s made him angry.
12. How can these government ministers lie so easily in parliament? I know that no one can call them liars but that’s because they are not meant to do it but it just falls out of their mouths. Untruth after porky,fable, fabrication, falsehood and complete bullshit.
13. Theresa May was not a Labour Home Secretary. Michael Gove, when he was announcing his homes for Ukrainians scheme and after he was challenged on the numbers (being forced to correct the lie he’d told on TV) got very cross. “I’m fed up of people trying to suggest that this country is not generous,” he said, banging the pew with his fist. “And all this stuff about hostile environment,” he paused to wag his finger and go red in the face, “was invented under a Labour Home Secretary. So can we just chuck it with this partisan nonsense and get on with delivering.” Ooh, he was very cross. The lie slipped out so easily. Hostile environment was invented
by Theresa May in her Professor Umbridge phase in 2012. Its hard to remember because she looks sane now, in comparison but she was definitely a conservative Home Secretary.
14. Why do birds stop singing at exactly 6.03 every morning?
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