Advice for the recently Bereaved

I have an important piece of advice if you are recently bereaved. It's something that people won't tell you but it's important to know. It's something that's quite simple and also something you will want to do. You'll not find it in any book or article on bereavement but it's still part of the process.

You are intrigued now, aren't you? You are wondering what is so important to know that even bereavement councillors forget to mention.

It is simply that you can tell people to fuck off!

Yes, that's right. Add the profanity to your lexicon. Practise it in front of the mirror, so that it rolls off the tongue, without causing days of hand-wringing guilt. You might find you need it.

I know what you are thinking. You think that it would be so much better to be polite and normally I would agree with you but these are exceptional circumstances. No matter how hard you try to be nice an occasional, "Oh, fuck off!" will slip out, so you might as well make it your default answer.

Clearly, banks, building societies and utility companies deserve this response, when they've forgotten that they are dealing with a fragile human being. Their "fuck off" will have been prompted by hours on hold, crashing computers, asking someone who has lost their voice to, "speak up," asking for the same information for the eleventh time, for sending the wrong forms,  or for insisting that they don't make mistakes.

It is even acceptable to repeat this phrase to well meaning people. I know it's not nice but true friends should understand and forgive.

If you don't want to talk anymore you should be allowed to say, "fuck off!"
If you don't want to go out, try, "Fuck off, I'd rather watch Gardener's World. I'd like to spend my evening with Nigel."
If you don't want another well-meaning cake or huge lasagne you could say, "Not another fucking cake!"
When people try to hug you it is fine to say, "Fuck off. I don't do hugs."
If they put on a sympathetic voice and tell you that it's the stress you can say, "Fuck off! It's a fucking cold!"

A true friend will understand that this response is a perfectly normal part of grief and just balances out the swearing you are doing in private to the person who has died.