We love Eurovision

I'm so excited.  It's that time of year again. The snacks are on the table and by the end of the evening I'll have a spreadsheet, the Long Suffering Husband will have drunk at least one bottle of wine and we will have eaten our body weight in cheese. We will have laughed with Mr Norton and remembered Terry Wogan fondly.  I absolutely love it and if you are one of those people who think it's silly or complain about the music then you won't want to read this blog.  I've already seen tweets from people who are wondering why we are still doing this. They can't understand.  They thought they voted Brexit to stop all this nonsense. I'm already laughing.

This year my daughter isn't with us, so her scores might not be a feature of this blog. She has sent me her categories so we can all play along. Ten points each for song, costume, instruments, and performance.

Last night we had an orchestra Eurovision which was so good I hope it hasn't spoiled it for the real thing. Austria won that but the odds aren't good for them winning tonight.

I will update as we go along.

Here we go. Graham is in Kiev. Celebrating diversity. The girl from Belgium looks normal.  That's not very diverse, is it?

Three white men to host. The LSH has said that they are dressed in black and white so that's ok. And they have silly ties.  This is making us cringe and laugh at the same time.  Eurovision fans are the best in the world.  Oh, yes we are.

Israel:   Imrie Breaking me to pieces.  I like his see through top, although it wouldn't work on a slightly chubbier man.  We like the background and the fires. Black and white again.  Good diversity.

Poland: Her brother will be fiddling with her. Oh dear. Black and white costumes again.  I think they might have interpreted diversity differently to me.  The song is like Thomas Crown meets James Bong. The brother is fiddling very passionately.  The boy gives extra points because there is a dog floating around in space behind her and there are rhyming triplets (whatever they are) I don't like her dress or the wind.  Freedom. Free her from the dress.

Belarus:  A see through wedding dress. All white this time. No diversity here. It's a Disney type song with hey shouting. We need subtitles for the words.  We want to know the story.  Their fans are turned off. I like the tongue waggling. Gosh.  I wasn't expecting snogging. We like the boat.

Austria:  He's over the moon. Winged trainers and all white.  He's running on air those wings should help This is beautiful staging. Love those clouds.  This is alright.  It's unoffensive, says the LSH.  No instruments which won't help our scores. Maybe Austria could win twice.

Armenia: Choreography is interesting. Octopus impressions and bowling.  All black costumes this time. This is quite boring.  There's fire. It's a whale.  Sorry. I mean wail.

Holland:  Good close harmonies.  All sparkly black outfits.  Moths have been at them.  Was there a ban on colour this year? Not very diverse.  It's good to see curvy women.  We like this song but were distracted by trying to guess the twin.

"Nothing's gone wrong, this was planned!" Oh Graham we love you!  I don't know what they did.  I had a little eating break.

Moldova: Nice black and white suits.  Very flexible hips.  We like the dance.  Surely that was a soprano sax.  The microphones in the flowers are genius. We are all doing the dance.  School girls to brides costume change is stunning.  It's almost worthy of Bucks Fizz.  I like this.  Graham thinks its a rough wedding - he's so posh!

Hungary:  Nice jugs! What a topknot.  He looks like the genie of the lamp.  The Genie and the Gypsy.  Fire. Rap.  I bet he's very hip in Hungary. He has some colour in his outfit with that red belt and gold braiding.  It is the most diverse so far.  Who'd have thought Hungary would have been so middle Eastern.

Toast to Sir Terry Wogan.  I told you it would happen.  You're good Graham but we miss Tel.

Italy:  He's meditating with a mandela in the background. Yoga is powerful magic he's trying to invoke it.  Lots of colour in this.  He has a rainbow stripe. What are the monkey's about.  We like the monkey but he looks a bit wild (or blooming furious - flashback to Alas Smith and Jones) It's like an advert for the United Colours of Beneton.  The song is nice.  It could be an earworm.

Denmark: Young Anneka Rice.  The first not to wear black or white.  I've heard this song before. I would hate to have to perfrom under all those falling flames.

Portugal:  Have never won. Oh no.  It is La La land song.  I hated that song.  How can a musical do so well with only one song.  He's a bit weird as well.  Does he get points for pretending to play a tiny violin? I really don't like that it's so boring.

Azerbaijan:  The blackboard appeals to the teacher in me.  It has all the lyrics on it.but it is missing a date and a WALT.  The horses head man is unusual.  Why is he on top of the ladder.  I like her silk trench coat. He took his head off.  That's naughty.  You shouldn't write on people's coats.  I know chalk brushes off but even so.

Croatia:  I love him.  Go compare man with a split personality.  His suit is brilliant. They have the cello violin duel is brilliant. It's got everything.  This should win.  It has everything.  It's a catchy song too. There's nothing to say. It's perfect.

Australia: Shall we get the questions about how  Australia are in Eurovision out of the way first? Graham is so naughty. We can't listen to the song now because we are looking at his eyebrows.  It's not much of a song. It's boring and he can't walk normally and he's forgotten his socks.  Apparently, it's because he's walking on the spot and he's wearing his dad's coat. More falling fire.  I do feel sorry for these performers.

Greece: If I was going to do political voting I'd vote for Greece.  It's a nice country.  I like her dress. The raindrop sploshes are clever.  The men in the paddling pool are a fun distraction.  They have nice pointed toes - proper classical dancers. The song wasn't great and she was nervously out of tune but I like Greece. I'm going there on holiday.

Spain: Don't come a knocking when the van is a rocking. Oh, how we laugh.  I like a proper band.  The surf theme is good but the winks are creepy.  Awful pitching. Ouch!

Norway: At our orchestra Eurovision we learnt that there are lots of reindeer in Norway.  It was full of sleigh bells.  It came last. It turns out that Norway is full of schizophrenics in masks who sing like a house version of Ed Sheeran.  Look at that drum. Extra points for a huge drum. I liked that, which surprised me.

UK: She's pretty.  Was she on a reality TV thing?  She has a pretty voice. I'm not sure about the dress.  It's not a bad song.  We like the starburst staging. She's performing it well.  Really nice singing. Best vocal performance of the evening.  It should get votes but who knows how it will go. We might get sympathy votes as the rest of Europe thinks we've gone bonkers.

Cyprus:  More black and white. I've lost the will to live.  They all sound the same now.

Romania: That's better.  Something a bit different. Yodelling and rapping. Her skirt is too short - she'll catch her death. "What's with the cannon?" the boy says. "Oh, compensating for something?" She's a really good yodeller. It's hard to do. I never knew they did that in Romania. Are there many mountains in Romainia? It's times like this you realise how little you know about the world.

Germany: I do not like singers that sing through their nose. I'm being told it sounds like the song in Zootopia, which was by Sia. Her dress doesn't fit and someone has tried to rip the sleeves off.

I've stopped scoring.

Ukraine: I think Graham is right.  They don't want to host next year.  They've got instruments, which gives them points on our scoring sheet and the big head gives points for staging.  The flashing lights are a bit much.  It's a headache piece. The instrumental is good rock.

Belgium: Another black dress. She's terrified. It's very flat.  I'm not surprised as she seems to be caged within lights.  I have hair like that. No matter how much you brush it it still looks messy. I feel sorry for her.

Sweden: I hope they have the Volvo tambourine as our orchestra version. No it's all shiny suits and treadmills. I like choreography on treadmills. It's a familiar song. The LSH says it's pretentious.  "We're from Sweden and we're too pretty for you."

Bulgaria: Uncle was my favourite womble.  This is another familiar song. He has a nice voice and is performing it well. It's a rubbish costume, although I've always wanted one of those tops with thumb holes but would be too scared of having permanently wet wrists. I like the light rain.  Is he singing, "Although you are a vegetable your love is untouchable?" He's good.

France: I like her dress. The back drop is wonderful. The song isn't bad and she's performing well.

My Scores:

Full moon in Australia.

And here come the votes.......wait for it.....here they come......wait....not long....here they are......
From 42 countries. 42! Here they are.....are you ready.....this is it.....yes....are you sure you are ready......

Hello Sweden with the delay. 12 points to Portugal.  It's La La Land all over again
Azerbaijan: 12 points to Belarus
San Marino: Who is the bald man she's hiding behind. 12 points to Portugal.
Latvia:  Thank you for a sleepless night. Portugal again.  What is going on?
Israel: Calling from Jerusalem the last time Israel will be in Europe.  Another 12 points for Portugal.
These are the jury votes, who have given their scores based on the dress rehearsal.

Whoops I missed a few.

FYR Macedonia: That's an amazing suit. 12 points to Bulgaria
Denmark: Like Sweden.  What a surprise!
Austria: 12 points to the Netherlands. The LSH is happened.
Norway:  They are the Norwegian Jedward.  12 points to Bulgaria

The UK are getting points

Spain: I can see her belly button in that dress.  12 points to Portugal
Finland: 12 points to Sweden.  Another surprise.
France: In half an outfit. It's like Tinder live.  12 points to Portugal
Greece: Let me guess.  Will it be Cyprus? Of course it is.
Lithuania: Slava. Portugal again.
Estonia: Bulgaria.
Moldova: They gave their points to Romania. Quirky likes quirky.
Armenia: In another half a dress. Portugal.
Bulgaria: She's pissed. Austria got their 12 points
Iceland: He seems cold. Portugal gets their 12 points
Serbia: I'm getting bored of this Portugal thing now.
Australia: Who is that? It sounds like Jan Leeming. 12 points to the UK. That's why we let them in!
Italy: Gave 12 points to Azer....I can't spell that now - it's too late.
Germany: She's lost an arm to her dress too. I think we should start  a campaign to find the lost sleves. They like Norway.
Portugal: At least they can't vote for themselves. Probably Spain. No. Azer.
Switzerland: That was a joke, right? Thanks for celebrating diversity tonight. I missed who they gave 12 points to. I guess it was Portugal
A Dutch dog likes Portugal.
Ireland: Will they give us 12? No, they like chocolate and chips better. Belgium
Georgia: He's stoned. Careful he might fall. 12 points to Portugal
Cyprus: Greece. It's good to have friends
Belarus: Ukraine reminding them they are neighbours. Bulgaria.
Romania: Like the Netherlands.
Hungary: Portugal
Slovenia: Portugal again
Belgium: Her tattoo clashes with her dress. They like Sweden.

Spain are on Nul Points.

Poland: Portugal again.
United Kingdom: Our jury gave 10 to Australia.  Did they have cheese in their ears? How to insult a woman. Portugal.  I wish I'd seen the dress rehearsal.
Croatia: Like Hungary. I'm hungry. Where has the cheese gone?
Czech Republic: Portugal get the 12.
Ukraine: Gave their 12 points to their neighbours.

Next we have the popular votes.

Reverse order:
Austria 0
Australia 2
Germany 3
Spain 5
Israel 5
Denmark 8
UK 12
Netherlands 15
Armenia 21
Ukraine 24
Greece 29
Norway 29
Cyprus 32
Belarus 33
Poland 41
Azer 42
France 90
Croatia 103
Sweden 126
Hungary 152
Italy 208
Romania 224
Belgium 255
Moldova 274
Bulgaria 337
Portugal 376

Well, what do I know? The whole world liked the song I hated.

Except that the final performance by his sister was amazing.  I would have voted for that!

Come Together (part 2)

Live blog (no editing) of 'entertainment' and voting from Eurovision 2016

Justin Trousersnake. *Women in the audience faint*  How strong is his aftershave?

Sweden has had lots of hits and we only think of ABBA.

This is where the whole of Twitter implodes with people asking if they can vote for JT.  He is cool.  He can just move his hips a millimeter and he's dancing.

UK Twitter seems to be voting for Belgium.  I think that's because it's the only one they heard while they were still sober.

I preferred the green dress.

This guide to winning is good.  Oiled up drummers.  Grandmothers.  Violins.  DJ's.  Costumes.  At last they've ripped off some clothes.  Peace. This song is brilliant.  Smile and they will vote for me.  It's time for the chorus.  Love love peace women baking bread.  Love love piece and a burning fake piano.  More tricks in a hamster wheel.  And win the Eurovision Contest.  ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!!

This woman from the EBU is funny.

We, and half of Twitter want to go to Sweden.  The other half are cringing and have absolutely no sense of humour.

Lines are now closed.

This group are on hoverboard.  It's a good job they're not on carpet.  He must be knackered.  Loads of singing and presenting all night.  That was a good song.  No wonder it won last year.  And there's the stickman, who actually won it last year.

Voting.

A new way of presenting the voting.  Don't explain it.  I'll fall asleep.

Austria:  She's dressed as the Crysler building.  12 points to Australia
Iceland:  Wriggly dog.  12 points to Netherlands.
Azerbaijan:  He's creepy.  Weird eyes.  12 points to Russia.
San Marino:  His cap doesn't fit.  We've got 8 points.  We like San Marino.  12 points to Ukraine
Czech Republic: Another 4 points for UK.  12 points Sweden.  She's elegant.
Ireland.  Another 7.  We expect that from Ireland.  Belgium 12 points (the Irish were drunk too!)
Georgia:  They have vampires in Georgia.  Threatening the trousersnake.  12 points to Ukraine (no surprise) neighbours.
Bosnia & Herzegovina:  Sorry about calling?  Sarajevo calling! 12 points Ukraine
Malta:  12 points to UK.  YAY!!!!!!
Spain:  The fountain has a prostate problem.  12 points to Armenia.  The woman dressed as the London Gherkin.
Finland:  Pink bow tie and shirt.  12 points to Sweden.
Switzerland:  A whistler.  12 points to Australia
Denmark:  3 point to UK.  I like that dress.  12 point to Ukraine.

Our dog is singing.  Will someone tell him the competition is over and he can't win.

France:  In front of the Blackpool tower.  12 points to Italy.
Moldova:  An Uber driver, oh Graham, you wit!  12 points to Ukraine.

If the LSH says, "1944?  What's that about?" again I might resort to violence.

Armenia:  Another creepy man 12 points to France.
Cyprus:  Who will they give their 12 points to if they can't vote for Greece?  Oh Russia, good choice.
Bulgaria:  She's up high.  12 points to Armenia.
Netherlands:  Haven't seen shoulder pads like that since 1988.  12 points Australia
Latvia:  A badge collector making the lovely lady from Sweden feel uncomfortable.  12 points to Ukraine.

*Thrown a peanut at the LSH*

Who will Australia ask to host Eurovision for them?  Will it be us?

High praise there from the Ukraine.  "Quite good"

Israel:  Always a bow tie.  12 points to Ukraine.
Belarus:  Give that man a brownie.  He's swaying.  12 points to Russia.
Germany: Power dressing.  12 points to Israel
Russia:  We were looking at the dress.  I think we got more points.  12 points to Armenia
Norway.  Miss Piggy. 12 points to Italy.  They didn't give Sweden any points
Australia:  "Oh my God, they've dug her up," says the LSH.  They gave us points.  12 points to Belgium: Penfold.  12 points to Australia
UK:  Pointless.  12 points to Georgia.  UK jury stocked by good musicians, obviously.
Croatia:  Pretty lights.  12 points to Australia.
Greece:  Will they give their 12 points to Cyprus?  Only 8.  12 points to Russia.  I'm not sure why he thinks Greece contributed most to the success of the song.
Lithuania:  Another vampire in disguise.  We haven't been more ready.  12 points to Australia.
Serbia:  More points.  12 points to Ukraine.  The peanut worked.  He's stopped saying it.
FYR Macedonia:  Mama Mia joke.  12 points to Ukraine.
Albania:  Yay 5 points.  We were looking at his house.  12 points Australia.
Estonia:  More points.  Will we get onto the left side of the board?  12 points to Sweden.
Ukraine:  The best outfits of the night. I want to know the taxi story.  12 points to Lithuania.
Italy:  Oh a bead issue.  Thoroughly Modern Millie.  12 points to Spain
Poland:  Pretty dress.  12 points to Ukraine.
Slovenia: Don't sing. Headphones.  Ukraine 12 points
Hungary:  That's a bright yellow:  12 points to Australia
Montenegro:  What language is he speaking?  12 points to Malta.  Really?
Sweden:  Show off.  Never brag a bout how much money you have in Europe.  12 points Australia.

Public vote:  It could all change now.  You know how the public vote.  They are very surprised that the televoting has gone to plan.  He's a very lachrymose man isn't he?
All of our points have been added together.  I wonder if they will publish a breakdown anywhere.
Suspense.
0 Czech republic
8 points UK
16 Malta
24 Georgia
33 Croatia
34 Italy
39 Netherlands
51 Belgium
53 Cyprus
56 Hungary
63 Latvia
73 Azerbaijan
80 Serbia
96 Lithuania
109 France
120 Austria

The world hates the UK

134 Armenia
139 Sweden
180 Bulgaria

This is insane

191 Australia

That's interesting.  Ukraine could win.

222 Poland
323 Ukraine

Ukraine has won.  Oh, people liked that.

361 Russia

Not enough.  3rd but the public love Russia.

We love this voting system.  That was so exciting.

"1944!  What's that about?"

We gave our 12 points to Lithuania.  What?  Just proved that the British public shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Oh no.  We've got to listen to it again.

Come Together (part 1)

Live blog of the Eurovision contest (no editing, so excuse any SPAG errors)

Come together?  Who thought of that title?  Did they do it just for those of us who like an innuendo?

Belgium.

Back to the Seventies.  Disco lives.  Nice sparkly shorts.  Quite like a disco song.  "This is fection."  Rots the Pressure.  She's pretty.  Nice dancing good swaying, make it look easy.  Singing a bit flat but she did go first.  It's horrible going first.  Our choir
Katy's score: 13/40


Czech Rebublic

What was the name of the the game with the triangles?  I don't think anyone is winning.  Don't like the dress and it's one of those horrible wailing songs that makes your ears bleed.  Interesting twist, with the costume take your hair down and your skirt lights up.

Katy's score 9/40

Netherlands

Dour Bob.  He sounds quite upbeat for a dour chap but he is going nowhere fast. He's just lost points for looking directly at the camera - that's always a bit creepy.  "Every day I wake up and it's hard." That probably explains why he's a bit more upbeat.   He looks a like as though he's smoked too many joints.  Ugh.  Don't mouth "I love you at the camera" and stop.

Katy's score 9/40

Azerbaijan

Walking away.. Gonna take miracle.  You are so right there girl. The LSH is impressed with her bosoms. I'm impressed with the catsuit, always envious of a woman who can carry off a catsuit.  Extra marks for the fire and dancers.  I wouldn't like to be standing under those bits of falling fire, Imagine the hairspray going up in flames.  It's very Eurovision.

Katy's score 15/40

Hungary

Sore throat?  Love a big drum.  They are, at least clapping in time.  Whistling!  They've cracked the floor.  They all look as though they've been partying for several days. I'm not sure they're going to get many points for that dancing - weird knee bends.  The first to use a proper instrument.  We like a proper instrument.  He's quite pretty isn't he?  The LSH's favourite so far.
I am hungry.  Might take a cheese break.

Katy's score 19/40

Italy

A number one son in their own country.  "Oh, it's in Italian, that's no good is it," The LSH gives his verdict.  Same joke every year.  Bad blusher blending.  Weird set.  Why are there sunglasses and balloons hanging in mid air?  It' all looks sweet but she's angry.  It's in English now. "There's no degree of seperation." Is she trying to tell us something.  A poison apple for the English voting Brexit.

Katy's score:  13/40

Israel

With a temperamental mighty hoop.  He has a lovely voice.  Quite llike a man in make up with flock of seaguls hair.  There are people in his temperamental hoop.  We're wishing them to go spinning out of control and take out the front row of the audience.  He has to get extra points for an air guitar.  The hoop lights up!  Fire and hairspray disaster waiting to happen.  Ending with a Disney message.  Go Israel.

Katy's score:  22/40

Bulgaria

Pretty eyeshadow.  Darth Vader meets 1960's Mod. Love is a crime. This song could be a crime but I think it will do really well.  It's popular dance music.  She's having a great time.  She only needs live instruments.  She lights up.

Katy's score: 25/40

SONG 9  - DRINK TO TERRY.  CHEERS MR WOGAN.  Feel a bit tearful.

Sweden 

There's a lot of apologising this year.  What's he sorry for?  The song?  A vow of silence.  He don't need to go that far.  It's terrible that words like "Stop" appear behind him.  "Devil"  Poor chap.  He does look young.  He's having a good time too.  They've all relaxed now.  He is only 17.  It's Graham's earworm. The crowd like it too but they are in Sweden.

Katy's score: 15/40

Germany

I'm looking forward to this.  It annoys Graham Norton.  Look at what she's wearing.  She could be dressed up for World Book Day.  I looked less silly for Alien Day.  She has a nice voice but it's a rubbish song.  She's a bit intense.

Katy's score: 13/40

France

J'ai Cherche.  What's he looking for?  A comb? No points for white trainers with a suit.  We like the moon but look at his teeth, so white.  He's like a star on the moon.  He's making us smile.  He's having so much fun. He's not going to get many points, though because there were no instruments, dancers and fireworks.

Katy's score:  21 + 3 for teeth.

Poland

That's the longest hair I've ever seen on a man.  They've real instruments, extra points for light up strings. that match his suit.  No socks.  I like that suit: Love a bright red military jacket with  tassles on the epileps and brass buttons.
Your life.  Nice voice.  We always like Poland.

Katy's score: 18/40

And a woman stopped from doing her job properly by high heels!!!!!!!  Wear flats then!!

Australia

Still don't understand why they are in but they were good last year.
She has an amazing voice and it's a good song.  We all think we've heard it before.  The graphics are cool.  We want to see her jump off the pedestal.  How did we miss that?  It must have gone down.  It might be too good.  Her singing is giving me the hairs on the back of the neck stuff.  If she ripped the skirt off it would be a winner.
What if Eurovision was held in Australia next year?

Katy's score:  21/40

Cyprus

Greasy rockers.  Sounds like the Killers.  Men in cages.  A tip for everyone:  always keep your drummer in a cage and don't feed them after dark.  He's a bit creepy.  I don't think Eurovision are going to go for rock.  I like his frock though and we can see his nipples, better on a man.  Wolf howling.  A bald drummer with dreadlocks.  We are arguing now about whether is need to be a musical master piece for Eurovision

Katy's score: 22 /40 (she gets more generous as she goes on.  I think it was the instruments that gave it such a big score)

Serbia

Domestic abuse theme.  Have they been listening to the Archers?   Free the Blossom Hill One!  The LSH feels sorry for the person who had to put all those hair clips in.  She has a huge mouth.  I hope she gives the creepy guy trying to kiss her a smack.  Go sisters!  I like this.

Katy's score: 14/40

Lithuania

He looks young too.  Pick your feet up! Do his shoes change colour or is it just the floor?  I can't listen to the song because I'm looking at those turquioise sparking shoes and the floor, which has erupted.  I think it's quite a catchy song.

Katy's score:  17/40

Croatia

  Yes Graham, Just a little bit of weight.  She's a bit Bjork.    She's gotta whip that dress off.
That's not impressive. Terrible costume change.  There are dementors in the background.  Quick, pass the chocolate.    Ooooooooh   OOOOOOOOooooohhhhhh.

Katy's score:  13/40

Russia

The bookies favourite.  Poodle strudel.  The best fact ever.  He's got to win just for that.  Wow.  Like his wings.  Thunder and Lightening it's scary exciting.  It's got everything for Eurovision winner.  Graphics are brilliant.  Look at those steps  but there is so much that  could go wrong.  We secretly want him to miss a step.  I've just asked the LSH if we can go to Russia to watch it if it wins.  He said, "Yeah, why not?"  I'm writing it down so I've got proof.  Shame there were no instruments.  It could have got nearly full marks on the Katy score:

Katy's score:  26/40

Spain

She could have brushed her hair.  La la la lyrics work for every country.  Did she fall over and they turned the lights off so that we didn't see her knickers.  It's a cheerful song.  Come on and raise your body parts?  How do you do that?  This could win.  There's two of her.  Am I seeing double?  Too much cheese.

Katy's score:  21/40

Latvia

He can play instruments.  I'd quite like to work at his alternative music school.  He needs new jeans (mum joke!).  This is a bit forgettable. Why didn't he have a guitar?  He can sing but it's not enough is it?  He tired hard.

Katy's score:  14/40

Ukraine

Was she born in 1944?  Oh it's about the war.  I like to see a woman in jeans who's not flashing her knickers.  It's scary. "Chilling," says the journalist daughter (so much better with words than me).  It's making me feel a bit sick. We are looking up the lyrics, it's about the the millions of potatoes that were deported.

Katy's score:  14/40

Malta

Maternity wear.  Can't wait.  Only a head. She's not hugely pregnant. We like this dress.  Extra points for a baby performing at Eurovision.  Does she look like Liz Hurley?  That dancers knees must hurt doing that. Wind machine.  The dancer has died.

Katy's score: 18/40

Georgia

Another rock song.  I like this voice.  It's unique.  It's a little Oasis.  Seeing double.  Now seeing quadruple.  Must.  Stop.  Eating.   Cheese.  It's very flashy.  Proper instruments.  Extra points for wishing his mum happy birthday.  He's my favourite so he won't win.

Katy's score:  19/40

Austria

Another woman with a huge mouth.  She's very smiley.  I had a bridesmaids dress like that one.  I wonder if she has a toilet roll under her skirt? Sickly sweet.  It's all too pretty.

Katy's score:  12/40

UK

Thank God we can't vote for our own.  It would just be embarrassing, wouldn't it?  Instruments.  We're in this together but we'd like to leave the EU.  Jake, or is it Joe has permanently surprised eyebrows. I think it's catchy but is that because I've heard it before?  Like the tempo changes.  Fireworks, dancing, cute young boys hugging.  That's getting a good reaction.  If it wasn't for the fact that everyone hates the UK they could do quite well.

Katy's score:  24/40

Armenia

The last song.  Back to the Seventies again.  A whisper start, Farrah Fawcett hair., a see through leotard.  Now I can see eight of them.  I give up.  Pass the cheese.

Katy's score: 12/40

My vote goes to Russia, Australia or Spain
LSH can only narrow it down to 5.  Spain, Russia, Israel, Bulgaria and UK.

Euro Hokey

"This Euro vote thing is a disgrace," the Long Suffering Husband said when I finally arrived in bed after my weekly anger management session that the BBC likes to call Question Time.

"I wouldn't exactly call it a disgrace.  It does seem to be a bit of a pantomime though."

" It's fraud."

"I just think they couldn't get any politicians to be on the 'out' side."

"I'm  not sure it's got anything to do with politicians."

"You could be right there.  The general public all seem to be voting a different way."

"It's terrible that their vote didn't count."

"That's politics. Most people didn't vote for the current government."

"That's different."

"I suppose it is all voting systems are different."

"They should ask for their money back."

"Ha!  That's a bit extreme.  There's more to the BBC than one programme."

"That's still no excuse for deceiving people."

"No, I suppose not.  Still, I don't suppose they did it on purpose."

"What?  Of course they did.  They want everyone's money.  They wouldn't have voted if they thought it wouldn't count. Anyway, I really liked those Polish Milkmaids."

I wash shocked.  How could the LSH be basing his decision on whether to stay part of the EU on Polish milkmaids? 

He was talking about something much closer to his heart: the Eurovision Song Contest. They have announced that the voting system will change this year. Instead of the public votes counting as one weighted vote on the country's jury the public votes from all countries will be added together and announced at the end. Commentators are saying that it will make for an exciting finish. All news writers are talking about Poland's busty butter-churning act of 2014 which was voted in the bottom five by the UK jury, but scored the highest with the British public. However when the scores were combined, it did not score enough to get into the overall top 10 and so it received no points from the UK at all. The LSH has always thought this to be the biggest injustice in his life, so far. If none of the other countries liked the Polish entry, though, they could still get no points (I think).  

I'm confused.  

The public can have very different to the experts and Eurovision and the EU referendum are both sounding like a game of Hokey Cokey. 

Dressing Up

I love Eurovision.  I know I'm a bit late to the discussion - it was over a week ago that everyone was discussing Conchita Wurst's win for Austria and how proud everyone was of the world for being liberal enough to vote a drag act as number one in the world. However, I'm not sure the commentators had the right to get quite so excited. Eurovision has always been the 'campest show on earth'.  It is watched by people who enjoy 'that sort of thing' and it is only the poor journalist, commissioned to write the piece after who really doesn't get it.  Those of us who watch it regularly give our own extra points for glittery dresses, pyrotechnics, changes of costume, unusual use of instruments and other random categories that have nothing to do with the music but everything to do with the 'show'.

Tom Neuwith

They all seem to be forgetting about Dana International too. The shock seems to have arisen because of the beard. The world was talking:  "Is it a bearded lady?" " A well tucked and taped man?" or a "Transsexual, who hasn't quite got their drugs right?"  The world doesn't like not knowing someone's gender.  I can't help thinking that if we had a truly equal society then it wouldn't matter.

Men just aren't allowed to wear dresses or skirts without somehow declaring themselves as less of a man.  They have to become a woman.  I would have been so much more impressed if the Austrian entry had been beautiful Tom Neuwith, looking like Jesus in a sparkly frock singing a corrupted Bond Theme, instead of the same with made up a 'sausage' name - just in case we didn't get it.

This weekend we took my son to reserve a hire suit for his prom.  I commented to the man with the proper 'suits you sir' hairstyle that this dressing for prom was so much easier for boys.

Fast Show - Is this hairstyle compulsory for suit sellers?

He agreed and commented on the waste of girls only wearing their dresses once.  The Long Suffering Husband laughed and said that we still had our daughter's dress and had offered it to our son to wear for prom.   Although everybody had laughed heartily as the LSH's suggestion I wondered how we would have felt if our son had said, "You know what, Dad?  That's a brilliant idea.  Pink is just my colour and I think it would really suit me.  I've always wanted to dress as a princess."  He would obviously have to be very brave to do it and then everyone would question his sexuality but what if he just liked the dress?  Why can't boys just wear a dress if they want?  Men are really missing out on the whole dress thing, especially the jersey dress.  I know it's only a small step from the floral skirt with the elasticated waistband, comfortable shoes and padded gilet with straw in the pocket but really wearing a jersey dress (especially in summer) is just the most comfortable thing.

In the Times this weekend there was an article about 100 boys in Nantes, France who had worn a skirt to school to battle French Sexism.  I wonder how many thought they'd like to wear a skirt again but wouldn't have to courage to do so on a 'normal' day.

When I was at primary school we had separate boys and girls playgrounds and two boys, who had joined us for skipping were made to wear a skirt for the rest of the day as a punishment.  They were told, "If you want to be girls, you must go the whole way."  I'm surprised they didn't make them change their names and tape their willies beyond view.  (They might have done, as I can't remember what the boys were called anyway) I remember being a bit upset about it at the time, as I had wanted the boys to join us in the skipping game  (they were much better than me at making up rude rhymes) and when I told my parents they were horrified that the boys had been made to wear skirts.  I wondered if skirts were bad and if they were then why did us girls have to wear them, after all they were terribly impractical for someone like me who spent most of my spare time upside down.  My sister hated dresses so much that she covered her pretty dress, chosen for a wedding, in creosote.  Now, however, I realise that there is nothing wrong with dresses or skirts (although my sister still doesn't like them) but there still seems to be something wrong with being female.

Another headline in the Times this weekend said, "Am I man enough to take on an allotment?" *sigh*
It turns out that after 14 years as an allotment holder, sometimes working my plot in a dress then answer is that I am man enough!  Maybe if this author wore a dress then he would be able to grow broad beans and potatoes too.

Eurovision Annual Eating Competition

If Eurovision were an eating composition I'm sure Britain would win.  Morrison's shelves were cleared of all junk food.  The Long Suffering Husband is setting out a great array of food and drink, with plenty of cheese. My daughter came home from University to share her expert knowledge with us and is currently making a table of the categories to judge each song on and will give each a score.  The opening ceremony choir is probably the best music we are going to hear all evening but it's going to be better than an evening of The Voice battles.

The presenter Petre Mede, is dressed in candy pink and I think she just said a bitchy Bjorn and Benny and referred to the audience as a bunch of dancing Queens. She's  got such high hair. Graham Norton is now telling us we can't vote by text or mobile app voting.  I wonder why not.  Can the Brits thumbs not be trusted?


1. France is first with L'enfer Et Moi. She has her finger firmly wedged in her ear - not a good sign that the sound production is up to much.  I like this.  She's dressed as a Raven with slightly ruffled feathers and I can imagine this song being very popular in France. My daughter's score for France is 23.

2. Lithuania.  Oh he is funny.  "Because of my shoes he's wearing today."  Graham Norton has accused him of being badly dressed.  He's got huge hands too. Score = 8

3. Maldova.  She's skinny.Graham says that this is all about the frock.  It lights up but her hair is rather foxy and she could easily sit on top of a toilet roll.  I think that this is going to get lots of points our scoring system. Dancers, lighting up dresses, lightening, levitating and a piano, flames.  Score = 33 1/2



4. Finland.  Marry me. I'm liking Graham more and more.  He just said that if two girls kissing offends you, you need to ...... grow up.  Terrible costume, psycho woman.  The LSH understands her boyfriend's position completely, "Why would you marry her." Fireworks gets lots of points in our scoring system and I suspect the pink boots will get an extra point.  Score = 36 (Swayed by the pink - I wouldn't give it that much)



5. Spain.  No Spain, behave yourself.  Bagpipes are horrible.  I like her eyelashes.  Slightly out of tune.  Went to sleep and missed the fireworks.  Score = 16



6. Belgium. A little 18 year old boy singing Love Kills.  Ouch and scary eyes.It has improved and it's quite a catchy song.  It's going to score really badly on our points system but our Eurovision expert thinks it could win.  Score = 26



7. Estonia.  How clever, to be sing in black and white at the beginning.  She is wearing a large white sheet with a hairband tied round it. Not my kind of thing but still better than the Voice.  Score = 8 (with a few marks given for pregnancy)




8. Belarus.  It sounds like Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance appealing to the Eastern countries.  It won't get much for costume because she is only wearing a little bit of fringing. Score = 27



9.  Malta. Tomorrow.  This will appeal to us Brits.  It sounds like Bruno Mars or the little ginger boy with a band and a ukelele and the singer is cute looking. Score = 22

10.  Russia.  Nothing can top the Grannies from last year. Lacy cardies never work for me and I hate it when you hear the breathing louder than the singing. I think they thought that there was no beating their Grannies from last year. Score = 10



11.  Germany.  Just like last year's winner.  Cascada is the most confident performer on the stage so far. She's rocking it.  It won't sore brilliantly on our system because there were no costume changes or fireworks or instruments.  Score = 23



12. Armenia. Already lost eyebrow marks and a silly scarf. A key change, explosion and guitar solo all increase this sad song's marks.  Score = 15

Pause for more food.....




13. Netherlands.  Graham just said that she's like Lana Del Ray, which is over the heads of the LSH and me but this has caused my son to shout, "No, No, No," and cover his ears with cushions.  It is dire, a proper dirge and she sings out of the side of her mouth.  But birds do fly! Score = 4



14.  Romania. It's my life.  Graham says it's very Eurovision and on his advice we are trying to remove the dog from the room. Ming the merciless or Rasputin?  Wow, that's a falsetto, which I can understand.  I might go into a falsetto if 4 naked men jumped out at me. Well you're not going to forget this are you?  He's levetating too, with a gold-sprayed naked women.  This stands a good chance even though it's terrible.
Score = 33



15.  UK.  Graham gives the good advice to fill your glasses and have a drink first.  She is looking old and a little drunk (sorry Bonnie - I want to support you I really do)  I've heard this song a lot on radio 2 and I think the chorus is quite catchy. She is confident and it's making the dog sing along.  Score = 15



16. Sweden.  I missed this but it got a score of 29



17. Hungary.  The backing singer does look hungry, she really should eat something.  Not sure about the beaded homeless man.  Score = 10



18. Denmark.  The bookies favourite. A penny whistle and a some drums and a little girls sitting on the floor. It's a nice song. Oh, that poor penny whistle mimer, his hands are really  shaking. Score = 37



19. Iceland.  His beard/hair combination has confused my son.  He thought he had a Dumbledore style beard.  It's a pretty ballard and his voice is better than any I've heard on the Voice. Score = 13



20. Azerbaijan.  A man on a box, a man in a box.  That's quite clever.  I like the box thing.  And look at that train on that dress, she's dragging the red carpet behind her and you can see her vertebrae.  Score = 31



21. Greece.  This makes me laugh.  Good old Greece.  This is what should win Eurovision.  Men in skirts gets extra points. Grandad and his grandsons in skirts, with instruments and silly dancing.  Grandad's moustache deserves a prize of it's own.  I know a trombone player who will have his eye on that trumpet that lights up in the dark. Score = 46



22. Ukraine.  It's gone downhill a bit since the worlds tallest man left the stage. We can't quite decide if they are singing, "Like gravity." or "bugger off then." Score = 9



23.  Italy.  I have nothing to say about Italy. Score = 5


24.  Norway.  I think I'm tired now as I have an urge to hit the mute button..  I feed you my love?  What? Not many people could get away with a dress like that, and even fewer would attempt to dance in it.  Wouldn't it be funny if she fell flat on her face.  They don't get a lot of daylight in Norway in winter, maybe that explains it.  Score = 20




25. Georgia.  waterfall.  Why is this tipped for greatness?  It's just a bit boring. Score = 22



26. Ireland:  Very slippery dancers and drumming.  I wonder if their tattoos are real?  I don't like this.  It's a bit shouty I'm sure I will be asleep before the results are revealed. Score = 27

I want Greece to win and according to my daughter's score they should win but we all know they wont, the rest of Europe doesn't really share our sense of humour.  We think the winner will be Denmark or Germany.

Results

By our scoring

Country	Eurovision Score	Our Score
Greece	152	46
Denmark	281	37
Finland	13	36
Moldovia	71	33.5
Romania	65	33
Azerbaijan	234	31
Sweden	62	29
Belarus	48	27
Ireland	5	27
Belgium	71	26
Germany	18	23
France	14	23
Malta	120	22
Georgia	50	22
Norway	191	20
Spain	8	16
Armenia	41	15
UK	23	15
Iceland	47	14
Russia	174	10
Hungary	84	10
Ukraine	214	9
Lithuania	17	8
Estonia	19	8
Italy	126	5
The Netherlands	114	4

Results by Eurovision score

Country	Eurovision Score	Our Score
Denmark	281	37
Azerbaijan	234	31
Ukraine	214	9
Norway	191	20
Russia	174	10
Greece	152	46
Italy	126	5
Malta	120	22
The Netherlands	114	4
Hungary	84	10
Moldovia	71	33.5
Belgium	71	26
Romania	65	33
Sweden	62	29
Georgia	50	22
Belarus	48	27
Iceland	47	14
Armenia	41	15
UK	23	15
Estonia	19	8
Germany	18	23
Lithuania	17	8
France	14	23
Finland	13	36
Spain	8	16
Ireland	5	27

So, as much fun as it was. It turns out that our complicated scoring system is terrible for predicting the actual result.

Highlight of the Year - Eurovision

We are huge Eurovision fans.  It's become a family tradition to watch the TV and eat - we eat enough to feed the whole of some of the poorer countries that enter Eurovision. This year we will be pretending there are no human rights issues in Azerbaijan and keeping our own scores in categories decided by my daughter when she was about 10.

This year, I will be sharing our family evening on my blog, writing as it happens and posting as soon as it's all over.

This year the presenters are two brides, one of whom is apparently a lawyer.  Human rights a specialist, maybe?

First up is Englebert Humperdink.  The British entry.  It's quite folky, a waltz with not too many pitch bends.  He's very pointy.  We're not bored.  There are points for the live instrument on stage, points for the fireworks, points for the contempory dancers.  Extra points in our family for the fact that he didn't die on stage, despite being in his 70's.  I would have liked him to do Mamma do the Hump!  22 points


Now it's Hungary.  A bit electronic, the singer can't sing but there are points for the fire on stage.
Despite the leather costumes it gets 24 points.

Albania next.  Strange woman with a ferret on her head, making oh noises. She has terrible skin and a set square on her ear.  We are reminded of when the Orchestra does The Good Bad and the Ugly. Ouch, my poor ears!  What is she wearing?  Pointy ears too - maybe she's an elf!  Graham Norton has just suggested that her medication is wrong.  Not many points - just 10.

Lithuania.  Love is blind.  Nice voice, sparkly blindfold.  Typical Eurovision.  Waiting for the key change and dancers to run in and rip his blindfold off. Wow - acrobatics! Is 10 points for song too much?  He doesn't get any points for instruments but  The Long Suffering Husband wants him to have extra points for the sheer number of naked women behind the screen.  Points: 27

Bosnia & Herzegovina.  She's playing her own piano that gets her extra points.  There's a strange shoulder theme happening this year - a bit vampire-like.  Eurovision seems very dark this year.  Points for wind blowing her hair around.  22 points.

Russian Grannies next.  Instant points for wanting to raise enough money to re-build their church. Oh, they're baking - cake always gets points in our house.  They could win.  It's very cute.  I hope they don't take their clothes  off but they do get good points for their traditional costume.  What have they cooked?  Show us the biscuits!  33 points - with zero for instruments.


Iceland.  A beautiful vampire.  Singing violinists get extra points but she is shaking.  It sounds very familiar.  I remember now it's the orchestra conductor's favourite. We like this and it's helping the A level music revision great discussion on texture.  28 points.


Cyprus.  Pretty dresses in fashionable colour.  We seem to be out of vampire mode.  There is a very scary looking man in black at the side of the stage.  Dancing on the Greek ruins - is this a metaphor?
The Long Suffering Husband isn't too keen on the pop socks.  22 points.

France.  We may be watching the dancers not the singers.  Trying to appeal to the UK with they Olympic theme.  Everyone who couldn't get tickets for the gymnastics could vote for this. And you can see her pants. The Nazi salute dance has been added to appeal to the Germans.  Points for the Jean Paul Gaultier dress.  18 points.

Italy.  Zilli looks like Amy Winehouse.  It's not a bad song and it's sung quite well but it scores very badly on our Eurovision criteria. 10 points.


Estonia.  Introduction to the Rose. I'm feeling quite sleepy and it's dark again.  6 points.  Graham Norton thinks it's a dark horse - not according to our scoring system.

Norway.  Very dark - scary hoodie boy but he does have a nice haircut and good teeth.  An extra point for dancing for the arm thing. He doesn't know what he's doing tonight.  He doesn't know if it's wrong or it's right.  We can tell him - it's wrong.  Points for the flames.  16 points.



One of the brides has just confused Englebert - bless him!

Azerbaijan.  There are lot's of brides in Azerbaijan.  She has a pretty voice and a father who is a high ranking member of the Azerbaijan army.  Graham is only going to say nice things.  Costurme colour change makes it looks like she's aborting a rather large fish.  When the music died.  Did she really sing that.  12 points.

Romania.  Bagpipes, drums, a strange sousaphone with trumpets stuck in the bell and an accordian.  I don't think they can be real.  That would loose them points but bagpipes should always be seen and not heard.  Hand kissing gets points as does the flames.  Shades of Duran Duran and Wild Boys - we quite like this.  27 points.

Denmark.  Live instruments.  We like Cellos, they get extra points - especially when they are played by a chap in a hoodie with a baseball cap.  Female drummer gets points.  The singer playing a guitar is good.  We like her cap but are a bit worried by the feathers and there is a another strange shoulder arrangement. 21 points


Greece.  Let's hope this isn't any good.  They really can't afford to host next year.  Knickers a bit early.    The Long Suffering Husband is arguing for extra points.  It's a bit like being forced to watch a set of strippers.  The words are good though, "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.  I want you and your VCR."  19 points.

Sweden.  Wind, strobe lighting, dressed in rags, snow, narrowly avoiding being kicked in the head by a dancer from the audience.  It might be a bookies favourite but it only scores 16 in our house.

Turkey.  Pretty fireworks.  More vampires. Oh, Graham Norton you are so right, he does look like Sacha Baron Cohen.  I thought they were bats but they are seahorses.  It's quite fun.  They've made a ship with the dancers.  Sing with me my children.  21 points.

Spain.  Have been warned not to win.  Croyden facelift and a Greek inspired dress that's a bit too tight.  Daughter thinks she's too old - did she see Englebert?  Points for glitter in her hair.  Looks like the Spanish economy is safe.  Oh dear, key change, shouty music, wind, singers in black that's more points.  Still safe - 9 points.


Germany. My next husband,  Jamie Cullum wrote this song.  Nice piano playing don't like the hat.   Another nice song.  Shame about the dizzy camera angles and lack of dancing.  I would listen to this again but it is probably too good.  24 points.


Malta.  Familiar backing track.  Female drummer (I don't think she's really drumming!).  Singer with a big quiff.  Cool feet dancing.  Yellow trousers and gymnastics.  Sparkers.  This is going to get lots of points.  31 points.

FYR Macedonia.  Violinist.  Key change and rock moment. Eina gushna roofna noofna! 26 points.


Ireland.  Jedward.  Don't kiss the camera!  Loads of points for costume and dance.  They are fun and so bouncy.  A fountain - don't put your microphones in - everyone will know you're miming.  They did!  32 points.

Serbia.  Piano clarinet and violin.  I know this folk song.  "I've smelt some doggy poo."  That's not the words I know.  What is he doing with that stick?  No one believes it's a flute.   19 points.


Ukraine.  We can hear an elephant.  They'll get lots of points if there is an elephant on stage. She has a garden in her hair.  Not sure about the blob dancers.  They've put a video of people doing Just Dance on the Wii.  There was some removing of clothes.  25 points


Maldova.  Funny dancers wearing lampshades.  Loads of points for those dancers and watch us at the next family party - we've learnt some new moves.  It's silent movie time.  Pants!  Pants are good in Eurovision. 25 points.



Time to eat more while the votes come in.