The presenter Petre Mede, is dressed in candy pink and I think she just said a bitchy Bjorn and Benny and referred to the audience as a bunch of dancing Queens. She's got such high hair. Graham Norton is now telling us we can't vote by text or mobile app voting. I wonder why not. Can the Brits thumbs not be trusted?
1. France is first with L'enfer Et Moi. She has her finger firmly wedged in her ear - not a good sign that the sound production is up to much. I like this. She's dressed as a Raven with slightly ruffled feathers and I can imagine this song being very popular in France. My daughter's score for France is 23.
2. Lithuania. Oh he is funny. "Because of my shoes he's wearing today." Graham Norton has accused him of being badly dressed. He's got huge hands too. Score = 8
3. Maldova. She's skinny.Graham says that this is all about the frock. It lights up but her hair is rather foxy and she could easily sit on top of a toilet roll. I think that this is going to get lots of points our scoring system. Dancers, lighting up dresses, lightening, levitating and a piano, flames. Score = 33 1/2
4. Finland. Marry me. I'm liking Graham more and more. He just said that if two girls kissing offends you, you need to ...... grow up. Terrible costume, psycho woman. The LSH understands her boyfriend's position completely, "Why would you marry her." Fireworks gets lots of points in our scoring system and I suspect the pink boots will get an extra point. Score = 36 (Swayed by the pink - I wouldn't give it that much)
5. Spain. No Spain, behave yourself. Bagpipes are horrible. I like her eyelashes. Slightly out of tune. Went to sleep and missed the fireworks. Score = 16
6. Belgium. A little 18 year old boy singing Love Kills. Ouch and scary eyes.It has improved and it's quite a catchy song. It's going to score really badly on our points system but our Eurovision expert thinks it could win. Score = 26
7. Estonia. How clever, to be sing in black and white at the beginning. She is wearing a large white sheet with a hairband tied round it. Not my kind of thing but still better than the Voice. Score = 8 (with a few marks given for pregnancy)
8. Belarus. It sounds like Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance appealing to the Eastern countries. It won't get much for costume because she is only wearing a little bit of fringing. Score = 27
9. Malta. Tomorrow. This will appeal to us Brits. It sounds like Bruno Mars or the little ginger boy with a band and a ukelele and the singer is cute looking. Score = 22
10. Russia. Nothing can top the Grannies from last year. Lacy cardies never work for me and I hate it when you hear the breathing louder than the singing. I think they thought that there was no beating their Grannies from last year. Score = 10
11. Germany. Just like last year's winner. Cascada is the most confident performer on the stage so far. She's rocking it. It won't sore brilliantly on our system because there were no costume changes or fireworks or instruments. Score = 23
12. Armenia. Already lost eyebrow marks and a silly scarf. A key change, explosion and guitar solo all increase this sad song's marks. Score = 15
Pause for more food.....
13. Netherlands. Graham just said that she's like Lana Del Ray, which is over the heads of the LSH and me but this has caused my son to shout, "No, No, No," and cover his ears with cushions. It is dire, a proper dirge and she sings out of the side of her mouth. But birds do fly! Score = 4
14. Romania. It's my life. Graham says it's very Eurovision and on his advice we are trying to remove the dog from the room. Ming the merciless or Rasputin? Wow, that's a falsetto, which I can understand. I might go into a falsetto if 4 naked men jumped out at me. Well you're not going to forget this are you? He's levetating too, with a gold-sprayed naked women. This stands a good chance even though it's terrible.
Score = 33
15. UK. Graham gives the good advice to fill your glasses and have a drink first. She is looking old and a little drunk (sorry Bonnie - I want to support you I really do) I've heard this song a lot on radio 2 and I think the chorus is quite catchy. She is confident and it's making the dog sing along. Score = 15
16. Sweden. I missed this but it got a score of 29
17. Hungary. The backing singer does look hungry, she really should eat something. Not sure about the beaded homeless man. Score = 10
18. Denmark. The bookies favourite. A penny whistle and a some drums and a little girls sitting on the floor. It's a nice song. Oh, that poor penny whistle mimer, his hands are really shaking. Score = 37
19. Iceland. His beard/hair combination has confused my son. He thought he had a Dumbledore style beard. It's a pretty ballard and his voice is better than any I've heard on the Voice. Score = 13
20. Azerbaijan. A man on a box, a man in a box. That's quite clever. I like the box thing. And look at that train on that dress, she's dragging the red carpet behind her and you can see her vertebrae. Score = 31
21. Greece. This makes me laugh. Good old Greece. This is what should win Eurovision. Men in skirts gets extra points. Grandad and his grandsons in skirts, with instruments and silly dancing. Grandad's moustache deserves a prize of it's own. I know a trombone player who will have his eye on that trumpet that lights up in the dark. Score = 46
22. Ukraine. It's gone downhill a bit since the worlds tallest man left the stage. We can't quite decide if they are singing, "Like gravity." or "bugger off then." Score = 9
23. Italy. I have nothing to say about Italy. Score = 5
24. Norway. I think I'm tired now as I have an urge to hit the mute button.. I feed you my love? What? Not many people could get away with a dress like that, and even fewer would attempt to dance in it. Wouldn't it be funny if she fell flat on her face. They don't get a lot of daylight in Norway in winter, maybe that explains it. Score = 20
25. Georgia. waterfall. Why is this tipped for greatness? It's just a bit boring. Score = 22
26. Ireland: Very slippery dancers and drumming. I wonder if their tattoos are real? I don't like this. It's a bit shouty I'm sure I will be asleep before the results are revealed. Score = 27
I want Greece to win and according to my daughter's score they should win but we all know they wont, the rest of Europe doesn't really share our sense of humour. We think the winner will be Denmark or Germany.
Results
By our scoring
| Country | Eurovision Score | Our Score |
| Greece | 152 | 46 |
| Denmark | 281 | 37 |
| Finland | 13 | 36 |
| Moldovia | 71 | 33.5 |
| Romania | 65 | 33 |
| Azerbaijan | 234 | 31 |
| Sweden | 62 | 29 |
| Belarus | 48 | 27 |
| Ireland | 5 | 27 |
| Belgium | 71 | 26 |
| Germany | 18 | 23 |
| France | 14 | 23 |
| Malta | 120 | 22 |
| Georgia | 50 | 22 |
| Norway | 191 | 20 |
| Spain | 8 | 16 |
| Armenia | 41 | 15 |
| UK | 23 | 15 |
| Iceland | 47 | 14 |
| Russia | 174 | 10 |
| Hungary | 84 | 10 |
| Ukraine | 214 | 9 |
| Lithuania | 17 | 8 |
| Estonia | 19 | 8 |
| Italy | 126 | 5 |
| The Netherlands | 114 | 4 |
Results by Eurovision score
| Country | Eurovision Score | Our Score |
| Denmark | 281 | 37 |
| Azerbaijan | 234 | 31 |
| Ukraine | 214 | 9 |
| Norway | 191 | 20 |
| Russia | 174 | 10 |
| Greece | 152 | 46 |
| Italy | 126 | 5 |
| Malta | 120 | 22 |
| The Netherlands | 114 | 4 |
| Hungary | 84 | 10 |
| Moldovia | 71 | 33.5 |
| Belgium | 71 | 26 |
| Romania | 65 | 33 |
| Sweden | 62 | 29 |
| Georgia | 50 | 22 |
| Belarus | 48 | 27 |
| Iceland | 47 | 14 |
| Armenia | 41 | 15 |
| UK | 23 | 15 |
| Estonia | 19 | 8 |
| Germany | 18 | 23 |
| Lithuania | 17 | 8 |
| France | 14 | 23 |
| Finland | 13 | 36 |
| Spain | 8 | 16 |
| Ireland | 5 | 27 |
So, as much fun as it was. It turns out that our complicated scoring system is terrible for predicting the actual result.
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