Come together? Who thought of that title? Did they do it just for those of us who like an innuendo?
Belgium.
Back to the Seventies. Disco lives. Nice sparkly shorts. Quite like a disco song. "This is fection." Rots the Pressure. She's pretty. Nice dancing good swaying, make it look easy. Singing a bit flat but she did go first. It's horrible going first. Our choir
Katy's score: 13/40
Czech Rebublic
What was the name of the the game with the triangles? I don't think anyone is winning. Don't like the dress and it's one of those horrible wailing songs that makes your ears bleed. Interesting twist, with the costume take your hair down and your skirt lights up.
Katy's score 9/40
Netherlands
Dour Bob. He sounds quite upbeat for a dour chap but he is going nowhere fast. He's just lost points for looking directly at the camera - that's always a bit creepy. "Every day I wake up and it's hard." That probably explains why he's a bit more upbeat. He looks a like as though he's smoked too many joints. Ugh. Don't mouth "I love you at the camera" and stop.
Katy's score 9/40
Azerbaijan
Walking away.. Gonna take miracle. You are so right there girl. The LSH is impressed with her bosoms. I'm impressed with the catsuit, always envious of a woman who can carry off a catsuit. Extra marks for the fire and dancers. I wouldn't like to be standing under those bits of falling fire, Imagine the hairspray going up in flames. It's very Eurovision.
Katy's score 15/40
Hungary
Sore throat? Love a big drum. They are, at least clapping in time. Whistling! They've cracked the floor. They all look as though they've been partying for several days. I'm not sure they're going to get many points for that dancing - weird knee bends. The first to use a proper instrument. We like a proper instrument. He's quite pretty isn't he? The LSH's favourite so far.
I am hungry. Might take a cheese break.
Katy's score 19/40
Italy
A number one son in their own country. "Oh, it's in Italian, that's no good is it," The LSH gives his verdict. Same joke every year. Bad blusher blending. Weird set. Why are there sunglasses and balloons hanging in mid air? It' all looks sweet but she's angry. It's in English now. "There's no degree of seperation." Is she trying to tell us something. A poison apple for the English voting Brexit.
Katy's score: 13/40
Israel
With a temperamental mighty hoop. He has a lovely voice. Quite llike a man in make up with flock of seaguls hair. There are people in his temperamental hoop. We're wishing them to go spinning out of control and take out the front row of the audience. He has to get extra points for an air guitar. The hoop lights up! Fire and hairspray disaster waiting to happen. Ending with a Disney message. Go Israel.
Katy's score: 22/40
Bulgaria
Pretty eyeshadow. Darth Vader meets 1960's Mod. Love is a crime. This song could be a crime but I think it will do really well. It's popular dance music. She's having a great time. She only needs live instruments. She lights up.
Katy's score: 25/40
SONG 9 - DRINK TO TERRY. CHEERS MR WOGAN. Feel a bit tearful.
Sweden
There's a lot of apologising this year. What's he sorry for? The song? A vow of silence. He don't need to go that far. It's terrible that words like "Stop" appear behind him. "Devil" Poor chap. He does look young. He's having a good time too. They've all relaxed now. He is only 17. It's Graham's earworm. The crowd like it too but they are in Sweden.
Katy's score: 15/40
Germany
I'm looking forward to this. It annoys Graham Norton. Look at what she's wearing. She could be dressed up for World Book Day. I looked less silly for Alien Day. She has a nice voice but it's a rubbish song. She's a bit intense.
Katy's score: 13/40
France
J'ai Cherche. What's he looking for? A comb? No points for white trainers with a suit. We like the moon but look at his teeth, so white. He's like a star on the moon. He's making us smile. He's having so much fun. He's not going to get many points, though because there were no instruments, dancers and fireworks.
Katy's score: 21 + 3 for teeth.
Poland
That's the longest hair I've ever seen on a man. They've real instruments, extra points for light up strings. that match his suit. No socks. I like that suit: Love a bright red military jacket with tassles on the epileps and brass buttons.
Your life. Nice voice. We always like Poland.
Katy's score: 18/40
And a woman stopped from doing her job properly by high heels!!!!!!! Wear flats then!!
Australia
Still don't understand why they are in but they were good last year.
She has an amazing voice and it's a good song. We all think we've heard it before. The graphics are cool. We want to see her jump off the pedestal. How did we miss that? It must have gone down. It might be too good. Her singing is giving me the hairs on the back of the neck stuff. If she ripped the skirt off it would be a winner.
What if Eurovision was held in Australia next year?
Katy's score: 21/40
Cyprus
Greasy rockers. Sounds like the Killers. Men in cages. A tip for everyone: always keep your drummer in a cage and don't feed them after dark. He's a bit creepy. I don't think Eurovision are going to go for rock. I like his frock though and we can see his nipples, better on a man. Wolf howling. A bald drummer with dreadlocks. We are arguing now about whether is need to be a musical master piece for Eurovision
Katy's score: 22 /40 (she gets more generous as she goes on. I think it was the instruments that gave it such a big score)
Serbia
Domestic abuse theme. Have they been listening to the Archers? Free the Blossom Hill One! The LSH feels sorry for the person who had to put all those hair clips in. She has a huge mouth. I hope she gives the creepy guy trying to kiss her a smack. Go sisters! I like this.
Katy's score: 14/40
Lithuania
He looks young too. Pick your feet up! Do his shoes change colour or is it just the floor? I can't listen to the song because I'm looking at those turquioise sparking shoes and the floor, which has erupted. I think it's quite a catchy song.
Katy's score: 17/40
Croatia
Yes Graham, Just a little bit of weight. She's a bit Bjork. She's gotta whip that dress off.
That's not impressive. Terrible costume change. There are dementors in the background. Quick, pass the chocolate. Ooooooooh OOOOOOOOooooohhhhhh.
Katy's score: 13/40
Russia
The bookies favourite. Poodle strudel. The best fact ever. He's got to win just for that. Wow. Like his wings. Thunder and Lightening it's scary exciting. It's got everything for Eurovision winner. Graphics are brilliant. Look at those steps but there is so much that could go wrong. We secretly want him to miss a step. I've just asked the LSH if we can go to Russia to watch it if it wins. He said, "Yeah, why not?" I'm writing it down so I've got proof. Shame there were no instruments. It could have got nearly full marks on the Katy score:
Katy's score: 26/40
Spain
She could have brushed her hair. La la la lyrics work for every country. Did she fall over and they turned the lights off so that we didn't see her knickers. It's a cheerful song. Come on and raise your body parts? How do you do that? This could win. There's two of her. Am I seeing double? Too much cheese.
Katy's score: 21/40
Latvia
He can play instruments. I'd quite like to work at his alternative music school. He needs new jeans (mum joke!). This is a bit forgettable. Why didn't he have a guitar? He can sing but it's not enough is it? He tired hard.
Katy's score: 14/40
Ukraine
Was she born in 1944? Oh it's about the war. I like to see a woman in jeans who's not flashing her knickers. It's scary. "Chilling," says the journalist daughter (so much better with words than me). It's making me feel a bit sick. We are looking up the lyrics, it's about the the millions of potatoes that were deported.
Katy's score: 14/40
Malta
Maternity wear. Can't wait. Only a head. She's not hugely pregnant. We like this dress. Extra points for a baby performing at Eurovision. Does she look like Liz Hurley? That dancers knees must hurt doing that. Wind machine. The dancer has died.
Katy's score: 18/40
Georgia
Another rock song. I like this voice. It's unique. It's a little Oasis. Seeing double. Now seeing quadruple. Must. Stop. Eating. Cheese. It's very flashy. Proper instruments. Extra points for wishing his mum happy birthday. He's my favourite so he won't win.
Katy's score: 19/40
Austria
Another woman with a huge mouth. She's very smiley. I had a bridesmaids dress like that one. I wonder if she has a toilet roll under her skirt? Sickly sweet. It's all too pretty.
Katy's score: 12/40
UK
Thank God we can't vote for our own. It would just be embarrassing, wouldn't it? Instruments. We're in this together but we'd like to leave the EU. Jake, or is it Joe has permanently surprised eyebrows. I think it's catchy but is that because I've heard it before? Like the tempo changes. Fireworks, dancing, cute young boys hugging. That's getting a good reaction. If it wasn't for the fact that everyone hates the UK they could do quite well.
Katy's score: 24/40
Armenia
The last song. Back to the Seventies again. A whisper start, Farrah Fawcett hair., a see through leotard. Now I can see eight of them. I give up. Pass the cheese.
Katy's score: 12/40
My vote goes to Russia, Australia or Spain
LSH can only narrow it down to 5. Spain, Russia, Israel, Bulgaria and UK.
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