This year, I will be sharing our family evening on my blog, writing as it happens and posting as soon as it's all over.
This year the presenters are two brides, one of whom is apparently a lawyer. Human rights a specialist, maybe?
First up is Englebert Humperdink. The British entry. It's quite folky, a waltz with not too many pitch bends. He's very pointy. We're not bored. There are points for the live instrument on stage, points for the fireworks, points for the contempory dancers. Extra points in our family for the fact that he didn't die on stage, despite being in his 70's. I would have liked him to do Mamma do the Hump! 22 points
Now it's Hungary. A bit electronic, the singer can't sing but there are points for the fire on stage.
Despite the leather costumes it gets 24 points.
Albania next. Strange woman with a ferret on her head, making oh noises. She has terrible skin and a set square on her ear. We are reminded of when the Orchestra does The Good Bad and the Ugly. Ouch, my poor ears! What is she wearing? Pointy ears too - maybe she's an elf! Graham Norton has just suggested that her medication is wrong. Not many points - just 10.
Lithuania. Love is blind. Nice voice, sparkly blindfold. Typical Eurovision. Waiting for the key change and dancers to run in and rip his blindfold off. Wow - acrobatics! Is 10 points for song too much? He doesn't get any points for instruments but The Long Suffering Husband wants him to have extra points for the sheer number of naked women behind the screen. Points: 27
Bosnia & Herzegovina. She's playing her own piano that gets her extra points. There's a strange shoulder theme happening this year - a bit vampire-like. Eurovision seems very dark this year. Points for wind blowing her hair around. 22 points.
Russian Grannies next. Instant points for wanting to raise enough money to re-build their church. Oh, they're baking - cake always gets points in our house. They could win. It's very cute. I hope they don't take their clothes off but they do get good points for their traditional costume. What have they cooked? Show us the biscuits! 33 points - with zero for instruments.
Iceland. A beautiful vampire. Singing violinists get extra points but she is shaking. It sounds very familiar. I remember now it's the orchestra conductor's favourite. We like this and it's helping the A level music revision great discussion on texture. 28 points.
Cyprus. Pretty dresses in fashionable colour. We seem to be out of vampire mode. There is a very scary looking man in black at the side of the stage. Dancing on the Greek ruins - is this a metaphor?
The Long Suffering Husband isn't too keen on the pop socks. 22 points.
France. We may be watching the dancers not the singers. Trying to appeal to the UK with they Olympic theme. Everyone who couldn't get tickets for the gymnastics could vote for this. And you can see her pants. The Nazi salute dance has been added to appeal to the Germans. Points for the Jean Paul Gaultier dress. 18 points.
Italy. Zilli looks like Amy Winehouse. It's not a bad song and it's sung quite well but it scores very badly on our Eurovision criteria. 10 points.
Estonia. Introduction to the Rose. I'm feeling quite sleepy and it's dark again. 6 points. Graham Norton thinks it's a dark horse - not according to our scoring system.
Norway. Very dark - scary hoodie boy but he does have a nice haircut and good teeth. An extra point for dancing for the arm thing. He doesn't know what he's doing tonight. He doesn't know if it's wrong or it's right. We can tell him - it's wrong. Points for the flames. 16 points.
One of the brides has just confused Englebert - bless him!
Azerbaijan. There are lot's of brides in Azerbaijan. She has a pretty voice and a father who is a high ranking member of the Azerbaijan army. Graham is only going to say nice things. Costurme colour change makes it looks like she's aborting a rather large fish. When the music died. Did she really sing that. 12 points.
Romania. Bagpipes, drums, a strange sousaphone with trumpets stuck in the bell and an accordian. I don't think they can be real. That would loose them points but bagpipes should always be seen and not heard. Hand kissing gets points as does the flames. Shades of Duran Duran and Wild Boys - we quite like this. 27 points.
Denmark. Live instruments. We like Cellos, they get extra points - especially when they are played by a chap in a hoodie with a baseball cap. Female drummer gets points. The singer playing a guitar is good. We like her cap but are a bit worried by the feathers and there is a another strange shoulder arrangement. 21 points
Greece. Let's hope this isn't any good. They really can't afford to host next year. Knickers a bit early. The Long Suffering Husband is arguing for extra points. It's a bit like being forced to watch a set of strippers. The words are good though, "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I want you and your VCR." 19 points.
Sweden. Wind, strobe lighting, dressed in rags, snow, narrowly avoiding being kicked in the head by a dancer from the audience. It might be a bookies favourite but it only scores 16 in our house.
Turkey. Pretty fireworks. More vampires. Oh, Graham Norton you are so right, he does look like Sacha Baron Cohen. I thought they were bats but they are seahorses. It's quite fun. They've made a ship with the dancers. Sing with me my children. 21 points.
Spain. Have been warned not to win. Croyden facelift and a Greek inspired dress that's a bit too tight. Daughter thinks she's too old - did she see Englebert? Points for glitter in her hair. Looks like the Spanish economy is safe. Oh dear, key change, shouty music, wind, singers in black that's more points. Still safe - 9 points.
Germany. My next husband, Jamie Cullum wrote this song. Nice piano playing don't like the hat. Another nice song. Shame about the dizzy camera angles and lack of dancing. I would listen to this again but it is probably too good. 24 points.
Malta. Familiar backing track. Female drummer (I don't think she's really drumming!). Singer with a big quiff. Cool feet dancing. Yellow trousers and gymnastics. Sparkers. This is going to get lots of points. 31 points.
FYR Macedonia. Violinist. Key change and rock moment. Eina gushna roofna noofna! 26 points.
Ireland. Jedward. Don't kiss the camera! Loads of points for costume and dance. They are fun and so bouncy. A fountain - don't put your microphones in - everyone will know you're miming. They did! 32 points.
Serbia. Piano clarinet and violin. I know this folk song. "I've smelt some doggy poo." That's not the words I know. What is he doing with that stick? No one believes it's a flute. 19 points.
Ukraine. We can hear an elephant. They'll get lots of points if there is an elephant on stage. She has a garden in her hair. Not sure about the blob dancers. They've put a video of people doing Just Dance on the Wii. There was some removing of clothes. 25 points
Maldova. Funny dancers wearing lampshades. Loads of points for those dancers and watch us at the next family party - we've learnt some new moves. It's silent movie time. Pants! Pants are good in Eurovision. 25 points.
Time to eat more while the votes come in.
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