Cheesemas

 I worry about people.

Specifically the people who can’t enjoy Cheesemas.

The period between Christmas and New Year, where there’s no pressure. You don’t have to DO anything. I know that many people go to work but the principal is true even there. All you have to do this week is survive. If you can manage to stay off tomorrow’s dead people list then anything else can wait until the new year. 

When I was a child this was the period of the big jigsaw puzzle. Because the dining table wasn’t needed it was the perfect opportunity. You’d wander past with your plate of cheese, handful of Twiglets and a toffee penny from the Quality Street tub in your back pocket and slide a few pieces in. Nothing too strenuous. No expectations.

How come there are people in the world who can’t enjoy that?

I didn’t know those people existed until the invention of Twitter. I thought everyone was revelling in the no pressure season. Long walks, short walks, stops at coffee shops, grazing food and drink all day, sleeping more, reading, drawing, writing, listening to music, watching old films, a spot of shopping but only if you fancy it.

It’s an introvert’s paradise.

Just over 50% of the population are introverts. It should be a happy time and even extroverts benefit from a little down-time and if not they have other extroverts to do people-y things with. Things with no demands. A hassle free life.

Over on Twitter are the people who hate Cheesemas. Unless someone is telling them what to do and placing loads of demands on them they are bored and fractious. They pick fights and call each other names. I know they do that all the time but because the rest of us are blissfully full of cheese we stop in, look, raise an eyebrow and slide another jigsaw piece in before grabbing the salt and vinegar Pringles (we know they’re disgusting but it’s part of the ritual), rather than playing the game and getting all het up about it.

So, there they all are. The Glinners, the John Cleeses, the Julia Hartley-Brewers and the Andrew Tates. Shouting into the void. Surprisingly, Piers seems to love Cheesemas. 

You might have missed it  beacuse you were passing the fridge or had your nose in a book but one of the Cheesemas haters just shot himself in the foot and it was glorious.

Andrew Tate, self confessed kick-boxing bad boy “I don’t believe in rape I just think I should be free to do what I want.” and TikTok shit-stirrer, decided to pick a fight with Greta Thunberg. 

Greta loves Cheesemas (it’s probably vegan cheese but it still counts - nut roast lasts for weeks) but she happened to be between romantic comedy films and wrote a short sassy reply. Others who were passing because colouring for adults had got too difficult or the Baileys glass was empty noticed, had a chuckle and told their friends. The Romanian police looked up from their samale with extra sauerkraut and noticed a pizza box.

“Quick! He’s in the country. We can finally arrest the twit for sex trafficking.”

And so they did.

Honestly, Cheesemas is the best time of year. If you don’t enjoy it then I worry about you, you could end up in a Romanian prison.