Ambushed in the bush

 With friends like those of the Prime Minister her certainly needs no enemies. It is beyond parody.

Sue Gray has completed her report and handed her findings to the Police. The civil servant for covering things up has decided that the best way to do that is to get the police to investigate. Maybe she was hoping that would delay the inevitable, giving ministers a genuine chance to say that they can’t comment because it’s an ongoing police enquiry. This, however, has backfired because the police have said that as this is a crime which would end in a fine, without going to court they can publish without prejudicing the case.

By all accounts Boris Johnson has been having private meetings with people, asking him to support him because we need him to deal with Russia/Ukraine. Most sensible MPs have discretely stepped back thinking that anyone would be better than him for that job but there are still people around willing to defend him.

Margret from Blackburn, who rang the Jeremy Vine show, yesterday, for example. 

“I’m furious, Jeremy,” she said, “It’s about time everyone left him alone. We don’t know what happened.”

“But they’ve admitted it, Margret. Birthday cake and Marks and Spencer’s snacks.”

“Well, I think he’s done a good job, Jeremy. Who else could have led us through the pandemic?”

At this point the other guest who had buried his brother a forty year old man who died from Covid  and one of 7 siblings the day after the birthday party, where Boris had 30 people singing  in a room, when they were only allowed 10 silent guests, snorted, laughed and cried until he sounded like a truffle hunting pig.

Margret said, “I’m sorry, Jeremy, I’m not saying it hasn’t been hard for the other caller but he is our prime minister.”

It sounded exactly the same as one of the car parodies that Rachel Paris and Marcus Brigstock do and I thought, “with friends like that….”

His political friends are no better. Every time they open their mouths they make it sound worse.

Nadine Dories, peeked put from behind her cultured bush and made it sound like she was excited that she might have once been invited to a party without knowing it.

“So, being at your desk when people bring you cake and sing happy birthday to you is a party now, is it?”

No, Nadine. It was just against the law at the time. Against the law that the person who made the law broke. You haven’t been invited to any parties without knowing about it.

Then another chap went on the telly and said that the Prime Minister had, essentially, been ambushed by cake.

Really.

It is beyond parody.

I am frequently ambushed by cake. It jumps into my mouth when I’m not looking. Nigella Lawson is planning to make it the title of her new cookbook and historians are remembering the devastating effects of the gateauxling gun.

The whole thing is a total Eton Mess. The police have pictures.

Please make it stop.

I do not want to see the naked twister photos. We all know they exist.