Reading the signs

 Scene: Government building Whitehall.

Junior Officer (A): Sir, we could have a problem.

Senior Officer(H): Arlington, my dear boy, of course we have a problem, don’t you read the news? 

Arlington: Well yes, I know, Sir Hugo . Brexit and Afghanistan but we need to talk about Covid.

Hugo: What? Covid? Didn’t you get the memo? Covid is over. 

A: It’s not over.

H: Well yes, I know but we are learning to live with it, which is the same thing.

A: Not quite the same thing. I was just wondering what the threshold is?

H: Threashold?

A: You know? How many deaths can we live with?

H: Just so long as it’s not too many to make the health service an unattractive prospect for the buyers we’ve lined up.

A: In that case, Sir, we might have a problem.You know that the vaccines aren’t quite as good as we hoped?

H: Really? (Starts the do the jab-jab song and dance routine)

A: (looks awkward) People are still catching it and a few are going into hospital. The staff are on their knees, loads have gone home because, well, we told them to and the new hospitals are just coffee shops in existing buildings.

H: (laughs) Genius! Don’t you think? What a wheeze! I wasn’t sure about Saj but you have to hand it to him. 

A: Yes I know but schools.

H: They’re Gav’s problem.

A: Well, yes but no. I meant the virus is spread in schools.

H: It’s not

A: It is

H: (slaps thigh) Oh no it’s not.

A: (Sighs) It’s not panto. Bugs always spread in schools. Kids are horrible germy creatures and schools are a giant Petri dish. They lick things too.

H: I know that but Covid is different.

A: (rolls eyes) The data from Scotland is suggesting that there’s a problem.

H: Scotland? That’s not our problem. That wee lassie can deal with that but what does that to do with schools?

A: Scottish kids are back in schools.

H: They shortened the school holidays? That’s interesting. We’ve been trying to do that for years. I mean why should those lazy teachers get such long holidays?

A: No, no. They broke up earlier. You know the drop in Covid figures in June?

H: They we’re good, weren’t they? It’s how we knew the vaccines were working.

A: I don’t think you are understanding me. If we don’t do something to stop the spread in schools we could end up having to lock down again at Christmas.

H: Hmm. That might solve the pigs in blankets problem.

A: You wouldn’t be able to kiss your mistress.

H: Ah yes, right. Can we jab the kids. (Goes back into the jab-jab song and dance routine)

A: JVCI aren’t too keen. It’s such a mild illness in kids that the risk of the jab feels immoral.

H: Right. Kids don’t get it. See, I told you.

A: No. Kids do get it, they just don’t die of it.

H: So,  no problem.

A: But they pass it onto their grandparents. 

H: Well if their grandparents haven’t been (starts the dance)

A: (interrupts) It’s getting round the vaccine. 

H: So, we can’t stop it. We have to live with it. It doesn’t matter much if a few old people die. 

A: Thank you for the invitation to your 70th birthday celebrations by the way. Portia and I would be delighted.

H: So, who can we blame?

A: Young people?

H: Genius. They don’t vote. Now, let’s think, how do we do that?

A: (Thinks for a while) Reading. Let’s blame Reading. It’s perfect. Great timing. And it’s got music. We managed to convince most people that singing was responsible to Covid. 

H: But it’s outside and it’s no different to a football match.

A: Leave it with me. I’ve got a mate at ITV news.

H: Good chap Arlington. I knew I could rely on you.