On the 6th day of Cheesemas the government gave to me...

 I did warn you that it was going to be a big news day.  Did you keep up?  No.  Well that's fine because nor did the government.

On the 6th day of Cheesemas the government gave us a complete (*insert expletive of choice) comms disaster.  If you were confused before then that's nothing to how you feel now.  

The day started with our region declaring a National Disaster.  This meant that the hospitals are on the verge of collapse, ambulances are stacked up outside A&E, doctors are even closer to the edge of a breakdown than normal and the public health and council leaders need to ask the government for some proper help.  

Parliament sat all day.  They discussed and voted on the Brexit bill, which was passed 521 to 73.  It's unlikely that you had Parliament TV on in the background but if you did you would have seen Theresa May vote for a deal that was worse than her 'worst deal ever' and watch Boris Johnson get sycophantically praised for it. It's not often I feel sorry for a woman in an orange jacket. 

Then it was Matt Hancock's turn.  He was very excited about the vaccine and explained how we had decided to administer it, not as it was designed, with the second dose after three weeks but to wait 12 weeks, so that everyone could get their first jab. Everyone thought this was a brilliant idea because it's always best to take medicines as you want and not follow the instructions on the packet. 

If you were a teacher, preparing to go back to school and mix with 30 other households in a non-socially-distant way then you will have looked at the empty House of Commons with envy.  MPs were appearing via Zoom to praise or chastise the government.  If you don't watch Parliament TV then I don't recommend you start unless you have a very strong stomach.  If the fawning, toady lickspittles don't make you feel a little queezy then you are a stronger person than me.

Jeremy Hunt appeared on screen, looking relaxed and happy not to be in the cabinet anymore and the speaker told him off.  Apparently, he was inappropriately dressed.  Pyjamas, Christmas jumper, forgetting to put on a shirt (like Peston later on the ITV news)?  No, None of these.  He just wasn't wearing a tie.  It is important, if you are a man in politics to never forget to hang a phallic symbol around your neck to prove your virility.

An MP asked about schools and Matt laughed and said that Gav would tell us about it later and that he didn't want to 'steal his thunder'. Gavin Williamson: the Thor of politics.

Another MP asked about the military help for schools with testing and pointed out that when you worked out the numbers each senior school would get less than half a soldier each.  As it's the 6th day of Cheesemas I might have a dippy egg with grilled cheese topped soldiers for breakfast.  Less than half a soldier each isn't enough for anyone.  

I was beginning to feel so confused that I was looking forward to Boris at 5, where he could translate it all into helpful metaphors for me.  Even if he chucked a bit of Latin in it would have been clearer, I thought.

Most of the country was watching How to Train Your Dragon, which seemed like it could be an instruction documentary for times to come.  

Then Gav (as we teachers like to call him) bumbled up.  His thunder still firmly in the seat of his pants, he explained, even less clearly that primary schools were a unique environment.  Household mixing absolutely had to be avoided at all costs and senior schools would have a staggered start so that they could ask children who can't stick a worksheet in properly to administer their own tests, which would make everything completely safe. Testing will begin in Ernest.  Schools without an Ernest will have to wait. Primary children find it impossible to stick things up their noses and so can't administer their own tests, leading Gav to conclude that they must, obviously, be safe environments. 

He set out a confusing timetable of events, which seemed to be a staggered start with primary schools returning on 4th  Jan, Exam pupils on the 11th of Jan and everyone back on the 18th of Jan.  Then he whispered that there would be some areas where schools wouldn't open at all, except as they had done in the first lockdown.  It's not a lockdown.  It's tier four plus. He said that the list of places where schools wouldn't open would be on the government website later but how much later he couldn't say. He told University students to go back but not go back.

MPs appeared on the little telly screen to cross question and they were furious.  Even those who just praised teachers, to have something to say without criticising the government were furious.  

Journalists, headteachers and parents were scrabbling around trying to get a copy of the list. Eventually, a few journalists had an unofficial copy and most of Essex was in the area not going back.  Headteachers were still unaware. 

Even when the full list was published, Redbridge, which has one of the highest rates in the country was accidentally left off.  

Boris interrupted how to train your dragon and spoke to the nation.

"When you err can you vaccine," he said clearly, reassuring the nation that he was most definitely on top of things.

"I say again, schools are safe." 

My friend's WhatApps went into gif overdrive.

"We are going to leave the tunnel behind."

Unintended consequence of Brexit, I wonder?

"Covid loves a crowd."

But not a crowd of 30, which would be a primary school class and schools are safe.

My daughter had spent the afternoon swearing, not entirely sure if the copy she was editing was entirely accurate.  The government press release was confusing, to say the least. "A timeline.  A timeline would have been useful," she shouted at the Press release.

The dog was furious.  This is what he had to say on the subject.

I'm just staggered that a government, with so many communicators in it can be quite so inept at communicating.  You would think that after this year nothing would surprise me but it did.

While parents wait to find out how schools will respond to these challenges the Prime Minister's chief PR person  is showing us pictures of his son, to prove that genius springs from his loins.

I'm off to eat my half a cheese topped soldier and check how many people with questionable morals called Ernest have been given honours in the New Year list.