Now that we’ve had day 4 of the lockdown (Yes, that’s right it is only four days since the scary Monday night announcement) people might be beginning to settle into their pattern. The frantic activity of the first days can’t and won’t last. Nobody does everything.
I think most of my friends are going to fall into the drunk category. There’s rarely a day when I don’t pick up my phone to messages about the lack of wine in the shops, whether it is too early for a G&T or the exciting news that the local brewery does home deliveries. I’ll be honest, they are making me feel a bit left out, so much so that I decided to go and sit in the garden with a gin and tonic. I didn’t drink it but just having it with me made me made me feel calmer.
The next type of person is the chunk. This is who I would probably have been a few years ago. I would have spent my time moving between the sofa and the fridge. I would have baked comfort cakes, biscuits and scones and put on several pounds. I have seen people put things on social media like, “I swear the fridge just sighed and said, ‘what now?’”
The government is hoping that most of us go for the hunk version. It’s why they have suggested we go outside for one exercise a day. It’s very clever, really. Alcoholism and obesity will put a large strain on the already stretched health service, so if they can just convince us that the only way to get out is to don the Lycra and run a marathon then we might just get fit rather than fat. They will deal with the knee and hip replacements later.
However, I think they’ve missed a few. As ever, they’ve forgotten about the introverts. Introverts don’t really need to replace the social aspects of their life with much. Not being able to go to the pub doesn’t cause huge waves of grief (oh by the way, this thing you are feeling is grief) but their lives have changed too. They are also scared and sad for the loss of the world they have learnt to negotiate. There might be people in their space that they can’t get away from.
Monk, funk & skunk are the other three categories that you need to consider.
The monks retreat into a silent world of books and music. They turn off all of the scary media and sit in their room, praying for it to end. This type of person is well placed for this moment as their ‘to be read pile’ has been growing exponentially since long before the world really knew the word exponential. They are listening to their back catalogue of Gregorian chants or Bach Motets. I’m not making these people sound very attractive but that’s ok because I might be one of them and they won’t read this because it’s on social media.
The funks are my favourite type. These are the creatives. The people who think outside the box and let themselves get sucked down a rabbit hole they weren’t expecting. These people get funky; creating memes and doing research that we all wish we had done. They are a really important part of our current society because we need people to create everything that the drunks and chunks are sharing to give their stomachs a break.
This is the best piece from a funk, so far:
exhaustive-analysis-of-all-the-winning-dishes-on-come-dine-with-me
Lastly, we have the skunks. These are the people who have forgotten what day it is already. They haven’t showered or got dressed. They are beginning to smell and their pyjamas are starting to weld themselves to their body. You are reading this, pretending it’s not you but we all have it in us. I mean, what’s the point in wearing a fresh outfit if nobody is going to see it? Pyjama bottoms are just more comfortable and as for bras, there’s hardly a woman left in the country wearing one.
I’m going to try to aim for balance but if I have dreadlocks or have invented the ultimate penguin knee washing machine when you next see me, don’t be too surprised
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