Christmas is Cancelled

Some wives get very upset with their husbands at Christmas. The adverts show us what happens: man leaves shopping until the last minuite and wife ends up opening a beautifully wrapped gift of a jigsaw, jumper, pair of socks, foot spa or spare tyre for the car, when all they really wanted was something electrical or sparkly but above all, expensive.

I am not that wife. I like jigsaws and socks and the Long Suffering Husband is particularly good at shopping; if it was an Olympic sport I think he could win a medal.  I might be that husband, though.

I have been out Christmas shopping with the LSH twice and we have done and wrapped it all (I am good at wrapping).

There is a sense of pride and relief in this achievement that makes me want to go back to the girl in the hairdressers and say, "Ha, see, I don't know what the problem was - plenty of time."

With my neck breaking backwards over a piece of porcelain torture equipment while having my hair pulled we had the following conversation:

"Have you got your decorations up?"

"No, it's only the 4th of December."

"Have you wrapped your presents."

"No."

"I haven't finished wrapping either. I only finished shopping yesterday. Have you finished?"

"No."

"Have you still got much to get?"

"I haven't started yet?"

"Oh, you are funny!"

I would like to go and tell her that I'm not funny at all. You can leave shopping until the 19th December and be done by the 21st. I really would. But. 

But. The LSH will have bought me lovely presents and I can just imagine the look on his face, as he opens his one tiny (and not very expensive) gift.

He has been unable to give me much of a list this year. He wants an umbrella holder for his golf trolley. Great. A trip to a golf shop. Just what I love at Christmas.

(This is sarcasm, if you were in any doubt.) 

I have decided that this is all his fault and if you are a wife who gets disappointed at Christmas it's probably your fault as well. 

You see, I hint. When we are out I pick up clothes and say, "Oh, I like that. I think it would suit me better than *insert name of person we are buying for*" I hold it up to myself and do a little twirl. I put it back and give it a little stroke. I do this with several similar items. I look at stationary and say, "You can never have too many notepads." Then, on Christmas Day I am happy if I get an item that is similar to something I have hinted at. It doesn't have to be the same and I don't care how much it cost or where it was bought from.

The LSH isn't very good at hinting. He apparently, pointed out 4 items of clothes he liked while we were out shopping. I racked my brains to remember but couldn't think that he'd done any twirling or stroking, so I asked him how he'd pointed them out.

"I looked at them," he said.

"Just that?"

"I might have said,'I like that,'"

"Might have?"

"Well, I didn't want to be too obvious."

He has dropped hints about wanting a huge smart TV but I'm ignoring that because, to paraphrase Roald Dhal, 'The smarter the telly, the bigger the man."

The LSH is aware how difficult he is this year. He just doesn't really want anything; he hasn't managed to spend Birthday money/vouchers from the Summer and has said that if he can't think what he wants then he doesn't know how I'm supposed to. He is panicking slightly because it means relinquishing control and trusting me to find something that I think he'll like.

It's the control element that makes it difficult for us last minute shoppers.  I could surprise him and buy a big flatscreen goggle box but it wouldn't be the right one. Even the golf umbrella holder is going to be tricky.

I tried to reassure him.

"It's ok. You will at least have an umbrella holder to open."

"It's got to be a Motorcaddy one."

"Yes, yes I know."

"And don't get it from American Golf. It's more expensive than online."

I wasn't calm.

"What do you mean, telling me where I can and can't buy presents from? What does it matter how much it costs? If it's what you want then it's my problem if I haven't paid the cheapest price. I mean, for God's sake, were only talking and extra pound anyway. This is why you are so difficult. I can't buy anything online now because I've left it too late as always. Oh, a flipping great Christmas this is going to be. Me with my great big pile of beautiful gifts and you with the one present that you won't appreciate because I bought it from the wrong bloody shop! Maybe it's time to cancel Christmas. We could just not buy for each other anymore."

I looked up  and saw a very sad little face staring back at me.

"But...but...you'd never have any clothes if I can't buy them for you at Christmas."

He has a point.