I have lots of material from concerts in old people's homes and will probably try to include the reaction to my Dad's joke from a concert this weekend. He was the compere, which in an old people's home is a tough gig. We were about to play Frosty the Snowman so he told the, 'two snowman in a field joke'. This always makes me laugh nervously because I know a rude version but luckily he stuck to the, 'can you smell carrots?' joke.
Silence.
Complete silence.
So he thought he'd try to explain it.
"What do snowmen have as noses?"
"I don't know, what do snowmen have as noses?" said the lady who was awake.
"Carrots. They have carrots. That's why they can smell carrots."
"Oh, really?" said the lady, picking up her jingle bells that we'd given her to play and examining them carefully before trying to eat them.
It's a tough gig, so by the time we'd got to playing, 'I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,' he was so flustered that he announced that he'd once kissed Mummy under Santa Claus.
The Christmas episode will be my favourite to write and over the years I have collected about five notebooks worth of material. I might have to write all the episodes as the lead up to Christmas. Then maybe I could have a pregnant floozie, as a French Horn player.
Maybe it should be a film. It could be the next Love Actually (I hope you saw Emma Freud's tweets this weekend.https://storify.com/Dante_Banks/story-of-the-midnight-showing)
I will have to include a Santa Fun Run. There is nothing quite like standing in a freezing cold park on the edge of an estuary, with rain dripping off your nose an arctic wind blowing soggy music off your stand despite the thirty pegs and piece of knicker elastic you thought you'd secured it with, playing music that nobody is actually listening to (luckily) while a thousand Father Christmases run around you.
The Santas gather and you play a few Christmas songs to get them in the mood. It appears to have the opposite effect and when you finish an announcement is made.
"Now the band has finished, we'll go back to listening to some Christmas tunes."
There is a mascot race, with Ellie and Eddie the Eagle, Lenny the Lion, a dolphin, an unidentifiable creature and Fells Ted, who can't see out of his costume and always looks very sad, which is handy as he comes in last. The winner is one of the eagles, who have run hand in hand until the final few yards, giving the announcer the opportunity to say, "Will Eddie finish before his Mrs?," which sounds surprisingly dirty in a Yorkshire accent.
Then you watch the Santa warm up, led by the local PE teacher. A thousand Santas doing the oaky cokey and making a huge conga line keeps you entertained while you drink gluwein from a flask and watch the euphonium fill up with an inch of icy rainwater.
The announcer says that he will start the race and then there will be more from the band (you notice that he didn't specify what the band was going to do more of) so you get into position, adjusting the music, that is now so damp it tears. The conductor has taken the earlier comment about Christmas music personally, so she announces that we will play the Twelve Days of Christmas followed by carols. The hooter sounds, a blur of red and white flashes before your eyes, the conductor raises her arms, you are ready, just as she brings her arms down the announcer says something else so no one plays. This happens a few more times. You discuss with the band that you've got two bars rest at the beginning, the oboe has three bars rest. You discover that the person with the opening notes hasn't turned up and agree to start at bar three. You struggle to the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas, noting that the swans, geese, and partridges have all decided that Sunday mornings should be spent in the warm listening to the Archers. The ducks on the pond laugh hysterically.
You and your desk partner don't have the carols. "Sing, then," says the
conductor. As neither of you knows both verses of Silent Night, you sing one in German, causing her to raise an eyebrow, as she thinks you are singing rude words in public. Like you would. You are saving that for We Three Kings.
Polar Express goes quite well but no one has managed to agree on what key to play Sleigh Ride in. You notice a key of your instrument has permanently stuck down. The children dressed as Santa, wearing wellies finish before any of the adults and by the time most are across the line it is agreed that you will play two more pieces, ending with Les Miserables.
The conductor looks at you. You both try not to laugh.
"You couldn't write it," she says.
"Oh, I could. I will," I say
"I mean, you couldn't make it up."
"Who needs to,"
"It's a whole chapter."
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