Cinderella

There is talk of putting on a staff panto at our school this year, using a script I wrote a decade ago.  It was my first panto and is missing many of the later political elements of Goldilocks and the Three Blairs but I remember writing a Fairy Godmother who couldn't rhyme (because rhyming's not my thing) and Buttons who couldn't sing (because singing is).  There is a list in the staffroom of the characters and staff are being encouraged to put their names against who they would like to play.  Despite the use of my old script, I'm not in charge of this in any way and am even unsure about whether to take part, as I think my acting days are over (and were hideous when they were alive).  I haven't put my name down and when I looked on Friday the only character left that could be played by a woman was Cinderella.  I am too old for Cinderella.  I know the world has changed but I don't think anyone would believe in a  42 year old (ahem!) Cinderella wondering if she'll go to the ball.

How I look after my morning face has settled

The idea has been nagging at me all weekend though and I just can't stop thinking about writing a modern day cautionary Cinderella tale.  Fairy stories were used as warnings for children:  Beware the possible wicked stepmother and the evil step sisters. Don't upset the witch or she'll send you to sleep for 100 years or try to eat you and don't eat too much or your parents will take you out into the forest and abandon you to aforementioned witch.  These tales probably aren't too relevant to children today but maybe there is a place for a cautionary tale for stepmothers. I know of women who suddenly find themselves partly responsible for someone else's children and are so in fear of becoming the Wicked Stepmother they become the Cinderella doormat character instead.  These days the man has remarried not because his first wife has died but because he got a bit bored of her or she of him and so the Stepmother has the real mother to contend with.  I'm getting excited now.  I can see real panto potential.

Modern day Cinderella can be left to do all the chores (after she comes back from work), while her husband, children and step children laze around on the sofa or shout at their friends through their headphones on the internet.  She could be menopausal and irrational and have to strip to her bra and pants halfway through the ironing.

A lunch I saw in the bin this morning - a bit worried about the inhaler!

She could make sandwiches for everyone to take to work/school only to find them shoved in a public bin, while she is out walking the dog that her husband insisted would be a good thing to cement the new family ('Everyone will love to walk it, darling. No, you won't have to do all the work!) Dog's are so much fun to write in panto. This dog would only be understood by Cinderella, everyone else would just hear annoying barking.  Her escape prince would have to be someone from the telly.  Someone who has no hair on his body but loads on his head.  Someone who doesn't have children or appear to be grumpy and irritable - ever.  He would have muscles on his muscles and own a small private island where she could live completely uninterrupted and alone (after she had divorced him for his money).  The wicked witch could be her own conscience or even the first wife and Holly, Claudia,Tess or even Dermot O Dreary  could be the fairy Godmothers. She could obsess over the fact that she has lines on her face and bags under her eyes and the fact that it takes her face 1/2 an hour to settle into place when she gets up in the morning.  She could avoid trampolines and strategically cross her legs when she laughs or sneezes.

Yes, this is great.  I'm sensing huge potential here.

What?
"Have I got things I should be doing?" you ask.
Of course I have.
You don't think Id be writing this rubbish if I didn't.

The Booker Prize is to be announced this week, if I keep procrastinating like this I could have an entry for next year's prize.