Eurovision (Annual Live Blog)

It's that time of year again. This year, you are all excited because it is being held in the UK on behalf of Ukraine, who won last year on a sympathy vote.  They are likely to win on the same grounds again, so it won't matter if all their best singers are busy doing war things.

The UK entry this year is a great catchy tune, performed by a popular TikTocker (Billie Eilish style), who might struggle with her vocal.  Her name is Mae Muller.  

We are ready.

I have a UK cake, Ukraine Eurovision biscuits and plenty of cheese. My daughter is in charge of cocktails - douzepoints and bucks fizz.  

'We should get some Muller corners in homage to the UK entry,' I suggested to the Long Suffering Husband.  

He thought about it and replied, 'Fromage.'

Bring on the cheese.

We have our score card.

  

TV on in 10..9....8....7.....

Live from Liverpool. You'll never walk alone. 

Do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do do do do do.

He gets everywhere that Andrew Lloyd Webber.  I like that pink hat. Transported and united by music. Love a good drum.  The family have named and dated their score sheets. How can they do it without prompting, yet no one I teach EVER names their work? Mel C. Graham Norton.  A song about Dodgeball while people come out with flags. Mel Gedroich (I can't spell that) is a complete innuendo queen. I'm looking forward to her commentary.

Graham and the three women who have been poured into dresses. Graham looks short.

Because of the war - take one drink.

History stuff.  Luxembourg want back in.  I told you it was cool.  We are all very excited.

We are just having a maths conversation about whether each countries votes are weighted per population. I think my brain is going to explode.  SHEFFIELD TOWN HALL!

Austria - Teya and Salea - Who the Hell is Edgar:

Once upon a a midnight dreary.  Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe, Edgar Allen Poe.  Great dance. Great Eurovision vibes.  Zero. 

Portugal m Mimicat Al Coracao

First I was afraid. No. First I had it coming. No.  It sounds like another song. There;s a lot of red tonight. Flamenco meets musical theatre. Why pink with red? Agressive clapping. 

Switzerland Remo Forrer Watergun

 The producers wanted a big ballad next. Where is the piano. Greatest Showman. Women on ribbons controlled by men. They've tied him up. I like this. It sounds familiar. Soldier's with waterguns sound like a good idea.

Poland Blanka Solo

The LSH likes this one.  I can't think why. Girls in pants. Woah, she's very flexible. This is a classic Eurovision song. Dance break. We are worried that she might pull something. She whipped it off! It does make you think of summer holidays.

(out) Standing in his own field joke - take another drink.

Servia Luke Black p Sarno Mi Se spava

Depressed teenage boy in his flower bed. Horrible flashing lights. This one is not for me. It's blue on too many levels. Hello! He's unplugged the monsters. Enemy defeted. 

France - La Zarra Evidemment

Very French. Look at the length of her legs. She's taller than Hannah Waddingham. Her nails! She's sinking. There's a little man underneath chopping bits off her legs. We have descended into a discussion about Russia and how politiacal this song contest is.  It all came from a joke that my daughter made that we all ignored.. We are all agreed that it wasn't the most depressing French entry.

Cyprus - Andrew Lambrou - Break a Broken Heart.

He looks like Andrew Lambert and he's from Australia. Subtitles: Wooooooooo!

Moustaches are back. He's made it rain. Oooooooh! You can break a broken heart. Is that a double negative?  The clouds are under the rain. I do love a shouty ballad. Fire now, sparks and lighting fart flames.  

Graham is just explaining that the fact that the jury voted last night. 

Spain - Blanca Palom Eaea

Moorish hand clapping. Her name means white dove, which should be peaceful but that's quite angry clapping.  There's so much red this year.  Flashing red lights. 

Even the dog is staying up.  It's way past his bedtime but he just got excited as we rushed to the loo while they were talking about junior Eurovision.

Am I right?

Drink to Sir Terry.

Sweden - Loreen - Tattoo 

 Euphoria was a banger, apparently. 

She's in a box. Blatent Abba tune. That's cheating. I wouldn't like to wipe my bum with those nails.  Gate pose - that's one of my yoga favourites. She's pushed the box up. Beige is the new red. I'm really angry. Why didn't I win last time? Laugh crying. Graham likes it. She's the one to beat but we all hated it here. Even being in pants didn't get the LSH's vote.  

Albania - Albina and Family - Duje

Albina from Albania. Call to prayer. Which way is East again? 

Her mum and dad look like they've rather be at home with their slippers on.  I like the vein diagrams. More red. Mum's farted. Now Dad. Boo yeah Boo yeah. 

Italy - Marco Mengoni - Due Vite

The wife of the mayor at a dinner dance. We think he might be a different type of Italian man. Nice voice. Good trampolining. Very toned arms. Tanned too. The LSH thinks he might be a member of Jumanji and only have two lives left.  We like this. 

Estonia - Alika Bridges.

Pianola. That's quite a posh pianola. It sings too. Is it haunted. I bet it's cross now that she is playing it with flat fingers. I like a trouser suit with a train. This is quite a nice song but I don't think anyone will remember it.

Finland - Kaarija - Cha Cha Cha

We are looking forward to this. 

We've heard this before. 

Bright green sleeve. In a box on a box. Cool shadows. All dancers in fuchsia on ribbons. Human centipede. Rylan's teeth. Full marks for Eurovision vibe. This is my first full marks for anything.

Czechia - Vesna - My sister's crown

Pink Pjs - 

I missed that one. The dog stole a chicken wing.

Political messaging - We stand for you

Australia - Voyager Promise

Moustaches are back.  He's taking his keyboard for a drive. We've all done that.  He's had half his head shaved.  Oh, Oh, ah, ah.  Real people playing real instruments. Animal on the drums and eighties banks of speakers, wind and a bit of thrash metal.  I don't think it will do very well because it is in the middle and forgettable.

Belgium - Gustaph - Because of you.

Boy George in pink pantaloons. Great graphics. Nice voice.  He could be a BV.  Here comes his pussy. Nice forward roll.

Skit in coming. Oh Graham. He's embarrassing himself. Applogies for that. 

Am I right - another drink.

Mel Polish milkmaid. We all want to see more of this. 

Armenia Brunette Future Lover

I hate it when they lie on the floor and sing. It's just lazy isn't it? Thigh length boots and .....actually I'm bored. Maybe I need a biscuit. Dance break. That's the best bit of the song isn't it?

Moldova - Pasha Parfeni  - Soarele Al Luna - 

Where is Moldova?  Maldova won our Youth Orchestra cometition. This is great. Flute playing dwarf. Horn hair. I might be tired. Sandy Shaw vibes. 

Ukraine 

Completely missed that. Dog needed a wee and to go to bed. Sympathy points 10

Norway Alessandra Queen of Kings

I came in at the end. Enjoyed a little bop round the living room and interrupted the LSHs scoring. I'm in trouble.

Germany - Lord of the Lost p Blood and Glitter

Man in pants. Very theatrical. Real instruments. Still lots of red. Great staging.  

Lithuania - Monika Linkyta - Stay

Stay with me in orange. Justin Trudo. Finally my heart is beating.  Who doesn't like the President of Canada. She needs a wee. She's been tangoed.

Israel Noa Kirel - Unicorn

One for the 5 year olds that like Bond films. Another box. She's forgotten her top. She's in batman's bra. Unicorns don't exist. She has the power of a unicorn. Gypsy fiddle. Cinnamon owl.  More points from the LSH. Dance break at the end for a vagina flash.

Slovenia Joker Out Carpe Diem

Those pink trousers look like they would be sweaty. Swarthy looks Pout to camera. Big in Slovenia. Meatballs with garlic. Points for real instruments. Pathetic moustache. 

Croatia Let 3 Mama Sao

Mel! I love Mel. YMCA. Nude singers. Promises.  We need an act like this. Macarena meets operatic Hitler. THIS IS EUROVISION. Here come the weapons. Pants and vests. You can't beat a pair of baggy white y-fronts. 

United Kingdom - Mae Muller - I wrote a song.

Crack the yoghurt out. Here we go. Bond vibe. Da da da da da. This staging makes her look small. 

It's a really catchy song. She loses out on our scoring because of a boring costume. She could have borrowed Alisha Dixon's 

Just adding up our scores.

The LSH top 3 : Austrialia (left field), Norway, Israel=Poland

Daughter top 3: Croatia, Poland, Belgium=Finland

Son top 3: Finland, Australia = Crotia, Germany

Man in hat: Finland, Croatia, Israel = Belgium

My top 3: Croatia,Belgium, Germany=Maldova=Italy

Sam Smith. Amazing. What a performer. What a nice man. What a performance. That's the winner. 

Tell it like it is Jan Leeming - they're all on something.  

Here we go Jury votes (top votes)

Ukraine - Sweden

Italy - Israel

Latvia - Estonia

Netherlands - Sweden

Malta - Sweden

Maldova - Sweden

Ireland - Sweden

San Marino - Italy

Azerbaijan - Israel

Austria - Italy

France - Israel

Finland - Sweden

Belgium - Austria

Germany - Sweden

WE DON'T GET THIS

Portugal - Australia

Croatia - Italy

Estonia - Sweden

Armenia - - Israel

Poland - Israel

Romania - Italy

Iceland - Australia

Serbia - Slovenia

Cyprus - Sweden

|Norway - Finland

Switzerland - Czechia

Australia - Belgium

Denmark - Sweden

Spain - Sweden

Israel - Sweden

Sweden - - Finland

Georgia - Belgium

Hannah is barely holding it together. 

Czechia - Ukraine

Slovenia - Italy

Greece - Belgium

Albania - Sweden

UK - (Catherine Tate’s boobs) - Sweden

National humour gap very much on display tonight.  We wonder if every other country is sitting at home wondering what drugs the UK is on, even though we love it. 

That Swedish woman isn't well is she?  Alisha Dixon is sticking very close. 

We are good to go.

This is the exciting bit.  

Ouch! that's awful for the hosting country. Second from last.

Ukraine sympathy vote.

Public preferred Finland even against an international superstar.  

Sweden won despite cheating by sending a zoned out superstar to sing an ABBA song so they host in an anniversary of ABBA year.  She clearly did have a good song and great vocal but it was boring. 

We were all quite disappointed with the result but agree that the show itself was amazingly bonkers.

Then came the news that Russia had bombed the Ukraine contestants’ home town minutes before they went on stage. That’s not war. It’s petty. It’s just a song competition and one that Russia isn’t welcome to play in until it grows up and stops killing people.