Back to school blues

 I woke up this morning

Last night’s dream in my head

The country is crashing

Who can I blame instead?

The wonderful thing about dreams is that they allow your brain to file all the information from the day. 

For the last 4 years and 7 months I’ve had none of those dreams. Every dream has been the same and every dream has woken me - the sweaty ragged breathed idiot. 

“It will be 3 to 5 years,” my GP said when I saw her - after. I wasn’t sure what would be 3-5 years but it seems as though she was right. 4 years and 7 months until a full night’s sleep and a normal dream. In fact, I’ve had a couple this holiday. It’s not consistent and a consequence has been that I really miss my mum because I can think of her so my eyes are a bit leaky but it’s progress. 

As we all head back to school, many of us will have had less sleep. Stress. Creeps back. Fear of not waking with the alarm. Dream brain solving problems that don’t really exist. 

In my two dreams I solved problems and I think that’s what Rishi Sunak did with his ‘back to school’ announcement yesterday. 

The first problem I dream-solved by quitting my job. Unfortunately, it wasn’t really a problem that needed solving. I haven’t been asked to teach RE because my headteacher met a bloke in a pub that he thought could teach music better with my supervision (although to justify paying me I had to teach RE but it was OK because no one cares about RE). That wasn’t a real problem to solve. The second was how to get Christmas trees out of the house without dropping pine needles everywhere. My dream brain came up with the perfect solution.  Put them in an old duvet cover. 

GENIUS

That’s what I thought. However, it turns out that I didn’t have the right old duvet cover. A single was too small and the process of trying to push the branches into it left it bald and my carpet looking like a Norwegian forest floor.

So, there’s the Prime Minister in bed the night before he has to go back to school. The country is in tatters. His government, a war in Ukraine and global pandemic hasn’t helped but still it’s his government’s fault. They ran down public services, put narcissists in charge and tanked the economy. His dream brain tries to solve the problem.

So, Rish, what we gonna do then bruv?

I just don’t know. It’s hopeless. We need a Labour government but I can’t say that.

You just need someone to blame, right? 

But the ‘it wasn’t me’ line isn’t working anymore. 

Well you’ve got to think of something. Back to school tomorrow mate. What’s the answer?

Maths.

What?

Yes, maths. Maths is always the answer. We’ll get kids to study more maths. I love maths.

Except that when he woke up and told everyone they laughed at him. They knew the duvet was too small. They knew that maths won’t solve the problem if you’re not asking the right questions. They’d read the Hitchhikers Guide. Knowing the answer is 42 is absolutely no use if you don’t understand why.

Whatever your back to school dream was I hope your first day back is better than Rishi’s.  And if you meet me then beware. I’ve had a couple of full night’s sleep. I could be dangerous.