A letter from a cat

Dear Essex Council (Maldon Branch),

I am taking this unusual step of writing to you. It breaks all cat codes but I can no longer sit by, keeping silent. I know you humans are stupid and us cats are meant to feign indifference to keep you as our servants but it is clear that you need help.

I've watched your news, which is what us cats are actually doing when you think we are licking our bottoms on your living room carpet, and it is clear that your governments are falling apart.  They are under funding every part that provides infrastructure, so that they can argue about breakfast. We gave you Larry and Palmerston to help sort the mess out but even Larry has stopped giving advice on Twitter, saying that the whole thing is no longer funny.  Rest assured, the diplocats are still keeping an eye on things but it's not enough is it?

Your local governments may not have enough money to do everything but you really need to change the light bulbs when they go out. You are not blessed with good night vision and so this lack of lighting is more of a problem for you than for us. After the 'incident' last night I walked around and counted 13 bulbs that need replacing just in my little patch.  I don't go far, so I know that this is a problem.  After the people who feed me went to bed I logged into their computer and found that most of these had been reported to you a long while ago.  What are you waiting for?

  

    

Let me tell you about the 'incident' and then you will see how desperate the situation is for you humans (and in turn us cats, as we will have to open our own tins if you become extinct). I was in my alley, busy minding my own business when a human tripped over me.  I wasn't looking in her direction, as I was looking at the fence, trying to decide if I wanted to sit on it or not.  That's why cats make better politicians than you, we consider the fence before we decide whether we are going to sit on it!  Anyway, there I was, considering the fence and so not looking in the direction the woman was walking from.  If I had been looking that way I would have seen her and moved and she would have benefited from my cat's eyes but as I say I was engrossed in looking at the fence. The light in my  alley has been out since before the time when I got toys to unwrap and everyone got cross that I thought the paper was more interesting. Again, you humans really have no idea how to appreciate the   good things in life.  I'm not quite sure how it happened but I felt a boot make contact with my side  and then the lady was sitting on the floor the other side of me. I wasn't hurt (this time!) but I gave her a very hard stare and said, "What did you do that for?"
She replied that she hadn't seen me.  "It's dark and you are a dark cat.  If only they would replace the street light bulbs you'd be much safer," she said also apologising a little too much. After all, she was the one sitting on the floor, feeling silly and shocked with slightly stinging palms.  I was just confused as to her inability to see. She explained that humans can't see in the dark and that's why they have street lamps.  You really are very poorly designed creatures but the least you can do is use your big brains and get those street lamps changed.  Next time, who knows what might happen.

This may seem like a small thing to you in the things you have to fund but luckily this woman bounces well and didn't need to use a hospital, which I understand from your flashing box is in a terrible state.

I hope you will sort this problem out very soon so that I don't have to ask my Town Hall cats to go on strike.  You know that those mice are out to get you, don't you?

Yours,

One very disgruntled but usually affectionate cat.