Advice for dealing with the recently bereaved.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog aimed at people who have been recently bereaved.  You might think that the advice would be useful if you have to spend time with someone whose relative has just died but you would be wrong.  Yesterday, I wrote that it is fine to tell someone who brings you another cake to F-off. You might assume that would mean that you shouldn't take cake round and that would be wrong. So here is some advice if you are trying to support someone through a loss.

1. Remember that they are the same person they were before the death.
            If they liked a joke, they will still like a joke. If they laughed a lot, they will still laugh (it's not wrong - it's normal).  If they are someone who likes to be busy they are unlikely to be comforted by a constant insistence that they need to rest. If they cried often they  will cry often but if you never saw them cry, you are unlikely to see them cry. If they were your friend before, they will want to be your friend after but if they never spoke to you before then.....well, I think you get the picture.

2. Never tell them that they should have done something differently.
        It's too late. It's too late to change anything important and so if you have suggestions of anything they should have done differently then you should keep it to yourself.  You shouldn't make any suggestions about something they could have done around the period of the death, dealing with the estate or what the funeral should have been like.

3.  If you only knew the person that has died then make an effort to get to know the names of his relatives before you go round and tell them how wonderful that person was. It will be a little embarrassing for everyone if, after an hour on chatting you have to ask the name of the person you are talking to, especially if it is the dead person's wife.

4.  Remember that how you knew the person is only a small part of who they were.
               Don't get upset if the family don't make a huge deal out of the half an hour you spent with him/her in 1983 at the funeral.  Don't be surprised that there is another side of the family that you never met.  Even if you feel these things then the immediate family don't need to know, they can't change anything.

5.  If you want to do something to commemorate the life of the person then you should but the immediate family don't need to go.  If they never went to one of your concerts before their loved one died, it could be cruel and unusual punishment to expect them to go after their death.  (I write this for the Long Suffering Husband, who would not want to have to go to memorial concerts if I died).

6. Bereaved families are fickle creatures.  They will be grateful of your company one moment, like flowers, cake or a huge lasagna but the very next day might want to be alone, wander around the house muttering, "look at all these bloody flowers, anyone would think that someone had died," or never want to see a cake again.  They may say, "Fuck off. I'm watching Gardener's World," but that won't mean they won't want to see you tomorrow.

7.  If they tell you to f-off, it's either because they like you enough to say what they need or you are a faceless corporate idiot.  If you are the former, don't take offence but try to develop a thick skin. If you are worker in a bank or utility company, try to be better.

8.  Just try to be normal. Obviously, if normality isn't your style then just be your usual weird self. Tomorrow, I'm having coffee with a friend who recently lost her husband  and I rashly promised her normality.  Luckily, she's only expecting the usual beige cardigan wearing, laughing about stupid things and moaning about work.  I hope I'll be able to follow my own advice. If not, we can just tell each other to F-off.

Advice for the recently Bereaved

I have an important piece of advice if you are recently bereaved. It's something that people won't tell you but it's important to know. It's something that's quite simple and also something you will want to do. You'll not find it in any book or article on bereavement but it's still part of the process.

You are intrigued now, aren't you? You are wondering what is so important to know that even bereavement councillors forget to mention.

It is simply that you can tell people to fuck off!

Yes, that's right. Add the profanity to your lexicon. Practise it in front of the mirror, so that it rolls off the tongue, without causing days of hand-wringing guilt. You might find you need it.

I know what you are thinking. You think that it would be so much better to be polite and normally I would agree with you but these are exceptional circumstances. No matter how hard you try to be nice an occasional, "Oh, fuck off!" will slip out, so you might as well make it your default answer.

Clearly, banks, building societies and utility companies deserve this response, when they've forgotten that they are dealing with a fragile human being. Their "fuck off" will have been prompted by hours on hold, crashing computers, asking someone who has lost their voice to, "speak up," asking for the same information for the eleventh time, for sending the wrong forms,  or for insisting that they don't make mistakes.

It is even acceptable to repeat this phrase to well meaning people. I know it's not nice but true friends should understand and forgive.

If you don't want to talk anymore you should be allowed to say, "fuck off!"
If you don't want to go out, try, "Fuck off, I'd rather watch Gardener's World. I'd like to spend my evening with Nigel."
If you don't want another well-meaning cake or huge lasagne you could say, "Not another fucking cake!"
When people try to hug you it is fine to say, "Fuck off. I don't do hugs."
If they put on a sympathetic voice and tell you that it's the stress you can say, "Fuck off! It's a fucking cold!"

A true friend will understand that this response is a perfectly normal part of grief and just balances out the swearing you are doing in private to the person who has died.

Sick Conflicted Parents Day

Today, is the second in a month, where parents will be waking up feeling slightly sick, helpless and conflicted.

"Results day? Nah, I'm not worried. It's up to him/her. I'm not one of those parents," you announce, wondering why sleep wandered around your bedroom like a pushed ball of mercury and your Coco Pops strangely taste like you captured that ball in your dreams and shoved it in your mouth. 

People will be full of advice. Older, wiser parents, people who got good results, people who got bad results, people who are too old or young to have ever taken any exams will all say that it doesn't matter. Jeremy Clarkson will appear on Twitter telling you that he failed everything but still managed to drive fast cars. 

I have no advice. 

It's going to be a roller coaster of a day. You will feel sick. You will feel helpless. You will feel conflicted. You will feel excited or sad or even both.  You will feel proud, ashamed or both.

Parents, they are not your results but you feel like they are. You were there through the pen-throwing tantrums and the tearful meltdowns. You nagged. Oh, boy, did you nag. You made sure that they did the best they could. 

I know that you are scared that if they don't do as well as they should it will have somehow been your fault. I'm not going to tell you it wasn't. Of course it was. They have your genetic make up, after all. Somewhere down the line you must ultimately take responsibility, so just suck it up. Guilt is in the parent's contract and nothing I say about a child leading their own life is going to make any difference. 

I also know that you are scared they might do much better than expected. You won't tell anyone this because it is a childish and selfish thought but what if they really are much cleverer than you? What if they do really well and all your friend's children bomb? 

I just want to say 'good luck' to all parents who are waiting today and leave you with Maureen Lipman who, even though she's just a grandma seems to capture the conflict perfectly.

Unsolicited Advice

"You have been very grumpy lately," said the Long Suffering Husband helpfully as I issued a string of expletives about the latest person who had upset me, "They're probably just trying to be nice."

It's true I have been grumpy and I'm sure they were trying to be nice but the last thing a grumpy old woman wants to deal with is nice - especially unsolicited nice.  

I can just about cope with a friendly smile or a wave, or even a caring, "How are you, today?" but when I reply that I'm perfectly fine, I find that all the helpful suggestions that are supposed to fix me make me think about turning to violence.  I'm sure it's all part of this peri-menopause thing but I'm often getting the urge to punch perfectly nice people.

If you know me and you would like to avoid my fist landing on you then here are some helpful suggestions of things to avoid saying to me:

  

1.  Go to the doctor.

2.  HRT is the best thing ever.

3.  I've had a coil fitted, you should do that.

4.  I swear by the pill, I've been on it since I was 16 and never had a single problem.

5.  You look terrible.

6. You are very pale.

7.  You should take a B vitamin.

8.  You need iron tablets.

9. A hysterectomy isn't that bad.

10. Brown rice, nuts seed and organic fruit and vegetables, that will sort you out.

11.  Take a good isofloflavone, that will regulate your hormones.

12.  You should take up yoga

13.  You're probably not drinking enough water.

14.  Don't eat nuts and seeds.

15. Go and see my friend Marian, she's very nice, she could help you.

14. These painkillers are the best.

15.  Let me tell you about my aunty Maureen and what she went through.

16.  Maybe you'd feel better if you made a bit of an effort; some nice lipstick, that sort of thing.

I'm sure there are others but these will do for now.  

You are allowed to say:

1.  Looking perfectly fine, today

2. Pull yourself together

3. Stop being such a wimp.

I'm sorry if you are one of the nice people and I've just upset you.  The problem is you don't know what I might be doing already and some things are not easily fixed, except (hopefully) by time.