Advice for dealing with the recently bereaved.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog aimed at people who have been recently bereaved.  You might think that the advice would be useful if you have to spend time with someone whose relative has just died but you would be wrong.  Yesterday, I wrote that it is fine to tell someone who brings you another cake to F-off. You might assume that would mean that you shouldn't take cake round and that would be wrong. So here is some advice if you are trying to support someone through a loss.

1. Remember that they are the same person they were before the death.
            If they liked a joke, they will still like a joke. If they laughed a lot, they will still laugh (it's not wrong - it's normal).  If they are someone who likes to be busy they are unlikely to be comforted by a constant insistence that they need to rest. If they cried often they  will cry often but if you never saw them cry, you are unlikely to see them cry. If they were your friend before, they will want to be your friend after but if they never spoke to you before then.....well, I think you get the picture.

2. Never tell them that they should have done something differently.
        It's too late. It's too late to change anything important and so if you have suggestions of anything they should have done differently then you should keep it to yourself.  You shouldn't make any suggestions about something they could have done around the period of the death, dealing with the estate or what the funeral should have been like.

3.  If you only knew the person that has died then make an effort to get to know the names of his relatives before you go round and tell them how wonderful that person was. It will be a little embarrassing for everyone if, after an hour on chatting you have to ask the name of the person you are talking to, especially if it is the dead person's wife.

4.  Remember that how you knew the person is only a small part of who they were.
               Don't get upset if the family don't make a huge deal out of the half an hour you spent with him/her in 1983 at the funeral.  Don't be surprised that there is another side of the family that you never met.  Even if you feel these things then the immediate family don't need to know, they can't change anything.

5.  If you want to do something to commemorate the life of the person then you should but the immediate family don't need to go.  If they never went to one of your concerts before their loved one died, it could be cruel and unusual punishment to expect them to go after their death.  (I write this for the Long Suffering Husband, who would not want to have to go to memorial concerts if I died).

6. Bereaved families are fickle creatures.  They will be grateful of your company one moment, like flowers, cake or a huge lasagna but the very next day might want to be alone, wander around the house muttering, "look at all these bloody flowers, anyone would think that someone had died," or never want to see a cake again.  They may say, "Fuck off. I'm watching Gardener's World," but that won't mean they won't want to see you tomorrow.

7.  If they tell you to f-off, it's either because they like you enough to say what they need or you are a faceless corporate idiot.  If you are the former, don't take offence but try to develop a thick skin. If you are worker in a bank or utility company, try to be better.

8.  Just try to be normal. Obviously, if normality isn't your style then just be your usual weird self. Tomorrow, I'm having coffee with a friend who recently lost her husband  and I rashly promised her normality.  Luckily, she's only expecting the usual beige cardigan wearing, laughing about stupid things and moaning about work.  I hope I'll be able to follow my own advice. If not, we can just tell each other to F-off.