Eurovision

 I have cheese. The Long Suffering Husband has wine and the dog has chewed up my sunglasses. It’s going to be a fun evening.

The Youth Orchestra had their annual Eurovision competition last night and although France had the popular vote, the expert judges had watched the private rehearsal and came to a completely different conclusion, making Spain the winner. That’s just the way it goes.

We have high hopes for our Maldon man this year with his long flowing hair and TikTok following but it’s unlikely isn’t it. Spacemen don’t really come from Maldon.

The official scorecard has been printed and I will be updating the blog throughout the evening with my own categories. 

Here comes Graeme. 

All we are sailing is give peas a chance with a we will rock you foot and clap routine.

The host is singing and is dressed as an orange Pom Pom. Now she’s changed into a doctor, maybe she was the Coronavirus, being topical. I hope they haven’t used up all their fireworks and fart flames. How does she change so quickly? Blue sparkles and now a yellow Mac. If she was a contestant then I’d give her extra points for the costume changes. Always good to end on a wipe down bondage outfit.

Flag waving. We love flag waving. The lady from Greece has travelled from the 1970s.

Are you excited?

 You cannot vote for your own country. I wonder how many people try?

I like Italy.

Czech Rebublic - lights out. 

She’s been swimming. Changing her furniture. Gets extra points for real instruments. That’s quite a bank of keyboards. Dave in chains. It’s depressing and forgettable. Lots of lights. Where are you now.

Romania - llamame 

Graeme mentions the great Italian shirt shortage but they seem to have made his ruffles from the hips of the girls trousers. They all look a bit slippery, grease or cling film? You decide. Look at that belt. Extra points for ripping shirts off. I have no idea about the song. 

Portugal - Saudade, saudade. Nice intro, calming. Enya meets The Six. I like it but you won’t. I’m not sure about the performance aspect of standing in a circle and singing to each other and clapping. Has she been rubbing herself against the Romanian bloke? Covered in glitter.

Finland- Jezebel 

Oh no. He’s let go of his balloon. He’ll never get that back. Have you seen the height of the ceiling. This is the LSH’s kind of music: Eighties rock where it’s all the woman’s fault.Extra points for feathers and instruments. favourite so far.

Switzerland - Boys do cry. It’s a nice song, although a bit slow. It’s familiar.

France - fulenn Drum. Flames. We predict an accelerando. This is weird. The youth orchestra’s French entry was much better. I quite like the uke stand - they are very heavy instruments. 

Norway - Give that Wolf a banana. We’ve been looking forward to this. I like it . 90s club vibe. Big box, little box. I could do this in a class assembly. The dance is amazing. A proper song for the TikTok generation. I will call you Keith - yum. The shorter one is called Ben. That explains why he knows all the word.

Armenia Snap  - Pyjamas and a white guitar. There’s a lot of instruments this year. She’s having fun ripping the walls apart. It’s a bit Mumford and Sons and probably will be forgotten quickly. 

The staging this year is brilliant. 

The race is on fire? What does that mean? has Mika just taught us Italian swearing?

Toast to Terry. We love Terry. Singing the floral dance.

Italy - the audience are singing. Sparkly suit. That’s an odd piano sparkly man raps. I expect it was good live.

Spain- Oh my. I think I’ve just seen her ovaries. They are good dancers but are they actually singing?

Netherlands- de diepte- oooh aaah. Another familiar song. A dignified level of partial nakedness.

Ukraine - the LSH just said, “ooh we’ve been there.”  But it was a picture of Florence, which is good because I don’t remember going to Ukraine. Pink bucket hat. Double bass and a recorder thing with rapping. Slobadobbadobba. I’m in. I’m doing the cross legged dance if I get stuck send an ambulance. I loved that. So much fun.

Germany - the LSH is telling us about the test track on top of the Fiat building. I might not be able to concentrate on this rockstars song.I like it when they don’t have to dress up and play all their instruments from their front room. I really like this. No gimmicks. It’s a good song. It would be a good year six leavers song.

Lithuania - It’s Shirley Bassey. And she keeps singing about having a bassoon. The question in our house: is it a wig or a helmet? 

Azerbaijan - Fade to black. Brave to so such a quiet vocal led song. He has a shadow and nice Clark’s shoes. His shadow is dancing. No instruments and the staging is boring. Not for me. Graeme likes him.

Belgium - Miss You - James Bond theme. I like the song. His vocal was amazing. I’m not sure what the dancers are doing. They could have dressed up a bit. . It’s the side step, step, grab your hip that people my age do at a family wedding.

Mika - got to be white got to be blue got to be fuchsia pink

Greece - Die together Speak up. Stop mumbling. I hate that dress and you can see through it. Graeme and I are not agreeing today. She will get at least 12 points though. Cyprus will love it.

Iceland - stystur Iceland should have won in 2020. They seem a bit lost in this huge stadium. Could the Seventies come and get its fashion back? It was terrible the first time. White boots and mini skirts didn’t do Karen Carpenter any favours

Maldova - hey ho let’s go. This is proper Eurovision. This is what we are here for. Fiddles. Accordions, drummers just playing the cymbals, silly suits and hats. A dance we could all do. Hey ho. Let’s go. PERFECT!

Sweden - Nothing wrong with this but no one will remember it. The main judging isn’t done on this performance so at least they don’t really have to compete with hey ho off we go. Can someone lob her a strepsil, though?

Australia - No one knows why! Not the same. Do his hips look big in this? He’s not the same. It could be another year six leavers song. Oh. He’s crying. Pull yourself together. 

VOLARE

UK - Sam Rider. A nice man from Maldon. Spaceman. Next John Lewis Advert? He has an incredible voice. Doesn’t he have nice teeth? Not too shabby.

Poland - River - It’s raining. Weird harmony. Migraine inducing staging.

Serbia - Handwashing song. We can’t pretend we haven’t all had one of those. The political message. Washa washa washa.

Estonia - hope - shades of Morricone. Spaghetti western. Go go mi go. Tumbleweed, whip cracking. Nice smile. If the crowd like it it might just be because it’s nearly over. Elvis impersonator.

She’s gone deaf. Why do they always do that? I can’t hear you. 

You can’t vote for Sam unless you do it on the app and do something clever with the vpn. I didn’t say that, my son did.

Mika to win!

Voting

Netherlands 12 points Greece

San Marino  12 points Spain

North Macedonia 12 points Spain

Malta 12 points Spain

Ukraine 12 points to UK 

Albania 12 points Italy 

Uk is top of the leaderboard!

Estonia 12 points Sweden 

Azerbaijan 12 points uk

A proper lead

Portugal 12 points to Spain

Germany 12 points to UK

Belgium 12 points uk

Norway 12 points Greece

Israel 12 points Sweden

Poland 12 points to Ukraine

Greece 12 points to Azerbaijan 

Maldova 12 points to Ukraine

Bulgaria 12 points to Greece

Serbia 12 points to Azerbaijan 

Iceland 12 points to Sweden

Cyprus 12 points to Greece of  ourse

Latvia (what a hat) 12 points to Ukraine

Spain 12 points to Azerbaijan 

Switzerland 12 points to Geeece

Denmark 12 points to Greece

No keep going - Graeme squeaks

France 12 points to UK

TWELVE POINTS FROM FRANCE THEY HATE US BREXIT ARGHHHH

Armenia 12 points Spain

Montenegro 12 points to Serbia 

Romania 12 points to Ukraine 

Ireland 12 points to Spain

Slovenia 12 points to Italy

Georgia  12 points to UK

Croatia 12 points to Serbia

Lithuania 12 points to Ukraine

Austria 12 points to  UK

Finland 12 points to Sweden

Uk 12 points to Sweden

Sweden 12 points to Spain

Australia 12 points to Spain

Czech Republic 12 points to uk

Italy 12 points to Netherlands

25 point lead but it can still all change. It’s the public vote!

Mika is excited.

I don’t think Germany deserves no points. 6 points phew

Public likes Maldova. And we are not over handwashing

Ukraine go to the top of the leaderboard 439 points. I think that means they have won.

Gosh this is tense.

We need 349

183

2nd to Ukraine. Well done Sam brilliant!