The real question

The news is currently cancelled until after the European Union vote. It's all anyone can think about. My daughter has complained that finding a front page local news story is harder than usual. 

When I mentioned this to a friend he said, "Don't local papers cover the referendum then?"

I'm sure they do but it can't be the front page story for the next four weeks. It might be all anyone is talking about but when you listen to them the arguments are circular and soon dissolve into something more frivolous. 

Pigeons.

Whenever I talk about the EU referendum vote the subject invariably turns to pigeons.

That's the real question.

I will vote for someone who can tackle the pigeon problem.

People talk about the leave campaign as though it can do something about migration. If they can encourage the fat, smelly pigeons who are constantly bonking on my fence to migrate then they will have my vote. Pigeons don't migrate. They are like the Long Suffering Husband: sedentary. 

The pigeons in this area are so fat. We might have the fattest pigeons outside of a Macdonalds car park. It's probably because everyone feeds the birds and pigeons haven't got the message that they aren't the birds we want. Go away pigeons. We are trying to attract the small, pretty, foreign birds. You are here all the time. You would be so much more interesting if only you'd come from another country, like the swallows (not that they eat from the bird table unless it's filled with a range of small invertebrates). 

They sit all day, eat and have sex. Loud, viscious sex. Sometimes they have threesomes and it is always on my fence. There must be more comfortable places for them to go: maybe Germany? In its favour the sex is always quick but once isn't enough. They like to get an early start and a late finish and are at it all day. You would think that they like it. They don't even stop in winter. No wonder there are so many of them, over here stealing our jobs and... Oh wait I'm confusing the issues again. 

They are horrible disease ridden things; carrying TB, cryptococcal meningitis, salmonella, listeria, viral encephalitis and e-coli. All of these are transmissible to humans. Just think how much money the NHS would save if the pigeons left the EU? I guess it would be about £350miion a week.

The farmers would be happier if the pigeons left, as well. Woah, there. Wait a minuite. That's a big claim. Are farmers ever really happy? Probably not but I would be happier. I would be able to plant peas without having them pecked to death within 3 minuites. I wouldn't have to cover my whole allotment with netting and would only have to worry about the deer stealing my sweetcorn.

Actually, sending the pigeons back could reinvigorate our whole farming industry.

You may think that I'm confusing the issues (you could be right) but I'm not the only one. In Wales they seem to be much more interested in beavers.

Personally, I'm wondering about that shirt and shorts combination.