He seemed interested but three days later hadn't actually charged it or tried to set it up so I offered to send it back.
"No,no. I've just been too tired to do it," he said.
"Oh, right. Well, charge it up now. How hard can that be?"
We went for a long walk.
"I wonder how far we went," he asked.
"I don't know but if you'd had your Fitbit on you could have told me."
When we got home we had dinner and were just about to take the dog out when I suggested he get his new gadget on to measure at least these few
steps.
After about twenty minutes and some unrepeatable language I thought it was time to help. Not that I knew what I was doing, either but I thought I would just be able to read the instructions in the box. There were no instructions other than those that told you not to do stupid things with it. There was no danger of that; we couldn't even work out how to turn it on.
I laughed. He scowled. I remembered when we used to take the mickey out of his parents for not being able to work the video player. It has come to this: we are the laughable old codgers who are baffled by technology.
I found the website with the step-by-step instructions and video tutorials and we did everything it said. Twice.
"Is there a number? There must be someone we can talk to. The LSH likes to actually talk to people. I prefer not to just in case I get sarcastic and angry. It took a while but I found a helpline number. It was closed but there was also 'live chat'
"Hello, I'm Stephano, what can I help you with today?" blinked on the screen.
We told him the problem and he took us through all the steps we had already done.
"Okay," blinked Stephano, "this will be really quick and simple." After each step that didn't work Stephano typed, "Okay."
After forty okays that were anything but this started to get a bit irritating. We had all the right flashing lights (apparently) and had now set up an account but the only thing that was sinking/syncing was our patience. Stephano remained calm, "Okay."
We turned off every Bluetooth device in the house, although the LSH phone was still registering the car and the neighbour's Internet.
Still nothing.
"Okay."
"I'd like to try some of the troubleshooting steps, if that's okay with you?"
We did the troubleshooting steps again.
Nothing.
"Okay."
"Is it always this difficult?" I asked, feeling sorry for Stephano in his office in Guatamala, having to go through this a hundred times a day.
"I'll be honest. This is the first one like this I've had. It's usually really quick and simple," he replied.
I expect he's used to the people who e put the battery in the wrong way round or who haven't even charged it up. I think about the old story that Terry Wogan used to tell about someone who rang a computer help desk to complain that their cup holder was broken (meaning their disc holder)
An hour an a half later Stephano was keen for us to try using a computer to attempt the set up because in his mind it had to be the phone.
The LSH wasn't too keen on his Fitbit being linked to my laptop.
"You'll be able to see everything. I don't want you tracking me. You'll see just how sedimentary I'm being."
"I think you mean sedentary unless you do actually move less than a rock."
I could see his point though, trust not tracking is the basis of any healthy relationship.
The computer said no, too.
"Okay," said Stephano "Let's try more troubleshooting steps."
We tried.
"Tell me what is happening," begged Stephano's blinking cursor.
"It says to give it two taps and you should feel a vibration but there's no vibration."
"You can put it on your wrist for that bit."
"Oh, Stephano, we worked that out. Stop rolling your eyes."
"Sorry. Jajajaja..... try hitting it harder. You need to tap it on the lights."
I told him that I was taking a sledgehammer to it and the LSH had felt enough vibration to break his wrist but nothing from the Fitbit. The LSH and I wondered how many steps we could have taken the dog for in the last two hours.
Stephano was stumped. You could tell but he didn't really want to give up.
"Time to send it back?" I asked.
"Unfortunately, as you have been unable to link it to an account you will have to return it to us, at your own expense."
Oh, Stephano! We liked him until then.
"What?" I asked "Why wouldn't I just tell Amazon I don't want it, get my money back and let them send it out to some other poor sucker?"
"You would probably be able to get a replacement if it's faulty," typed Stephano helpfully.
If it's faulty?
"I think we can both agree that it's faulty but I think I've lost confidence in the product."
"It would be really quick and simple."
"I feel like you might have promised me that before."
Stephano agreed and once again typed his Germanic laugh.
"It's been a pleasure talking to you today," he said.
"I'm sure it's really made your day," I replied.
So, the Fitbit is going back and the LSH is resigned to being a grumpy old technophobe who is a bit flabby around the middle.
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