The November February Problem

It could be argued that my marbles are not as firmly in the pot as they used to be, as I kept writing yesterday's date as 9th November 2016. I was tired and at the end of my long teaching day lots of my worms got muddled, as Sarah Kennedy used to say on Radio 2.

I checked my marbles. They were all still there.

I have always confused November and February. One vivid memory from primary school is of a teacher shouting at me. Her face was so close to mine I could make out the outline of her, oh-so-fascinating contact lenses in her green eyes and as she started to shout her mouth opened so wide I imagined myself swallowed and chomped by the metal filled teeth.

"It's February! Not November! What were you thinking of, girl?"

I inhaled, ready to try to find an answer.

"You know your months. I can't believe you would get this wrong. You're a clever girl. How could a clever girl do something as stupid as this?"

Again, I prepared myself to answer or fight back tears, wondering if it was best to tell her I didn't know, it was a mistake, I was sorry, or give her some reasons why I confused the two months.

"Sit down and write in your book, 'I know the month is February,' ten times."

I wrote:

I  know the month is February

I  know the month is February

I  know the month is February

I  know the month is February

I  know the month is February

I  know the month is February

I  know the month is November

I know the month is February 

I know the month is February 

I know the month is  February

Oblivious, I took it back to the teacher. 

"Are you trying to be funny? Go and see Mrs H."

I cried all the way to Mrs H's room and Mrs H took pity on me. She didn't think I was trying to be funny. I was usually far too timid to be funny. 

"Did you know you'd written it?" 

"No," I told her, "I just get confused. I don't know why."

"Well, you must make an extra special effort to remember which one it is from now on. Will you promise me that you'll do that?"

I inhaled a sob, wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve and nodded.

She handed me a tissue, "We'll say no more about it, then."

When I arrived back in the class, blotchy faced and exhausted my teacher smiled at me with one of those thin lipped smiles that only lifts at one edge and said, "Get on with your work, Julia."

It was never mentioned again and I have spent my life shamefully trying to control the Novembers that appear in February and the Februaries that appear in November.

Now that I've been on the planet for half a century I think it's time to admit defeat. It should no longer be a shameful secret. I get November and February confused, so what?

There are good reasons too. Both months are cold,dark and boring (unlike December, which has Christmas to redeem it an January with its promise of bright sparkly new things to come) February is the second month and November the penultimate one (I think there's a pattern in that, even if you don't). Today's numerical date would be 10.2.16 but if it was November it would be 10.11.16 and two in Roman numerals is II. They both have celebrations that I'm not keen on: fireworks and valentines.

In fact I have a proposal. In this modern decimalised world we have no need for twelve months, so let's just get rid of November and February. December and January could have 60 days each and we could have a much longer Christmas/New Year holiday.

I think we can all agree that would be a good idea.