The Nottingham Thing

Every University has its thing; the thing that is mentioned in every talk when you visit an Open Day. In Bangor it was tea, Essex favoured toast and Bournemouth were obsessed with the beach. This weekend was Nottingham, for us, and as we visited on the best day of the Summer we were suspicious that it was going to be the sun and the fact that, "It always shines in Nottingham."

It was, however, buses. Everyone wanted to tell you that the tram line wasn't finished but that was fine because the buses were brilliant. Apparently, everyone voted against the tram except the leader of the council and his mate who runs the company building it. You can go into town for a pound  by bus and you'll have the same tutor all the time you are at University unless they get run over by buses. Yes, he really did say buses. A one bus-squishing is not enough to keep those Nottingham tutors down.

In light of the bus love, we decided to take a bus tour of the town. Our guide was a local; an old lady who reviewed the papers on BBC radio Nottingham once a month. She had never quite got over being told off for saying, on air, that nobody cared that Noel Gallagher and Patsy Kensit had split up. She took a poll of the bus to find out if we cared and although both the Long Suffering Husband and I were tempted to stand up and say, "We care very much, Oasis were our life and Pasty was our Wonderwall," we decided not to embarrass our son and so her poll of the last 16 years of bus tours was conclusive: Not one single person cared about the marriage of a boy from Oasis.

I don't know whether the buses deserve their special status but this woman deserves a comedy award. She told us about little Jesse Boot, who had never been able to cure his arthritis but donated the land for the college without mentioning Boots the Chemist once. I really hope that she is doing stand up in a seedy nightclub somewhere but I doubt it because when we got off I asked her and she said something about having a seat next to the driver as her feet ache.

This woman is a comedy legend

These are some of her gems:

"Eateries like girl Friday's  , tit Friday's or TIFtidays"

"Here is our tree-lined boulevard. You know the chomps eleesies in Paris, well we invented it."

"We even have festivals where We Three Wet come an' wha'avyou'

"Coming up on your left you've got modern architecture. I'll not say anymore. No wonder they call it the amenities building. I don't know what amenities are."

"There's the Raleigh bicycle works - This lad, 'e were really ill and the doctors said to 'im, "cycle the hills of Austria it might cure you."  It did but he came back saddle sore. And that's 'ow we 'av the Raleigh bicycle works."

"A word of warning if you go to Woolaton park: The donkeys. The donkeys have the right to roam. One donkey called Ned pinches yer bum until you give him yer sandwiches. Sit on the grass then he can't get to yer bum."

"Front of Wollaton Hall looks like Wayne manor. It's not because it's Wollaton 'all."

"It's not a castle. It never 'as bin. It's a Ducal palace.  So if we take a left by the castle.....oh b..."

"Here we are, back at the University. I was ere meeself many many years ago an I enjoyed it. It's not changed."

Comedy legend.