Comedy Landlords

Advice for anyone thinking of becoming a landlord.

1. You are not running the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

2. Your tenants would like to move in on the day they start paying you.

3. It will not be all right in the end. They will continue to live in your property thinking you are an idiot.

4. Having female tenants isn't a good way to try to find a girlfriend.

5. In general, a furnished room should have the furniture in it before your tenant moves in.

6. Raw plugs. That's all I'm saying but if you find the blind that you have hastily attached to the ceiling falls off then all I can say is raw plugs.

7. Make friends with a can of deodorant if you are going to spend 6 hours trying to put up an ugly wardrobe in your tenant's room.

8. You can not change the contact after it has been signed.

9. Be sensible about the rules you have; too many and none will be followed. As tempting as it is to add,"Rule 126 - You will not have friends who laugh at me," nobody will adhere to it and it will gradually dawn on them that eating in bed, putting make up on, having plants and wearing shoes aren't a crime either. 

10. While your tenants like a nice home they do not want to know how much the bathroom cost you.

11. Likewise, they will not be impressed with the wardrobe you insisted you overspent on, when it arrives with instructions in Polish, a big EBay sticker and the ugliest doors on the planet.

12. If you have forgotten to buy kitchen equipment and offer to take your tenant with you (after three days) to buy some then don't stroke the irons before making your purchase; this really is a very odd thing to do and certainly won't help with rule 126. 

13. These days, if you say you are providing Internet, your tenants will expect unlimited broadband. Any less they will consider a breach of their human rights.

14. Female tenants might be less messy than men (although this is debatable) but they will gang up on you. 

15. Each of those female tenants will also have a potentially angry mother.

16. Although it is your house, once a tenant has moved in, you are no longer allowed to treat it as such. You need to stop just letting yourself in and shouting, "Honey, I'm home!"

17. Waiting to see what the wardrobe looks like before buying the chest of drawers might be a mistake. Nothing is going to match that.

18. Contemplating building works after your tenants have moved in should only be considered if it is going to make you a lot more money and you can afford to lose the rent from the tenants you have.

19. You should not engage your tenants in conversation while attempting DIY. Asking them if their father is any good at DIY to find he is a 9th generation cabinet maker won't help. If you then insist you too are a skilled craftsman from your genes up then rule 126 will be gone forever.

20. Give up being liked. You are now a figure of fun, like Rigsby from Rising Damp or Jerzy (Jeremy) Balowski in the Young Ones. Sitcoms have taught us that landlords should be treated without respect and are incidental characters to be made fun of; they bring light relief to the drama of the main story.