Kissing Cousins

"Just before Nan died I visited her in hospital. She grabbed my hand and said, "Keep this family together," and I thought, "Oh, blimey, why me?  I'm not very sociable," my cousin told me today at a family gathering that she hadn't organised.  "I don't know why I can't do it because we've got loads in common and why shouldn't we?  Brothers and sisters are often alike, they get on don't they?  Well, they do, all except my brother.  We don't get on at all." I knew exactly what she meant, except that I don't have a brother and my sister is quite nice, even though she's never forgiven me for how mean I was to her when we were young and I've never forgiven her for putting my dress down the toilet just before the school concert.

When your father's side of the family contains 22 cousins it's nearly impossible to keep the family together and when you factor in the way we are alike, which is that none of us are very sociable then the idea is a risible hare-brained scheme. It might not be true that the rest of us are a bit reserved but as I boarder on reclusive the idea that it's the fault of my genes is very appealing.  I can see a strong family resemblance with my cousins on this side of the family, so why shouldn't a preference for the sofa, gin and tonic (or 6)  with a good book be a family trait too?

No family tree template is big enough.

We usually see more of my mother's side, where there are a mere 9 cousins and even then I have found family gatherings difficult.  The problem has been all the kissing.

I don't do kissing.  The Long Suffering Husband will tell you that I'm not really a touchy feely person.  I prefer to slip in and out of a gathering unseen or with a little wave, "See you soon (but maybe not too soon because sitting on my own on my sofa is much less effort),"  I'm trying to be better but I have very autistic tendencies when it comes to kissing people I don't really know.

 At Christmas the Aunts used to try to kiss the children a lot.  It would go something like, "Come here and give me a kiss," and you, as the child, would try to duck the sharp claws and slobbering lips.  If they did catch you then a painted wet mouth would bear down on you, while you wriggled and screamed for your life.  Everyone would be laughing, the other cousins displaying immense schadenfreude.  I laughed when it wasn't me too, relief washing over me.  Then a wet sloppy kiss would be planted on your cheek, which you would spend the next 2 hours trying to rub off, making gagging noises.  I'm not saying that I was traumatised or anything but I would be much happier if a greeting kiss had never made it's way over the English Channel.  I would even consider voting UKIP if they would send it back.

If you are a cousin of mine who I have avoided at the end of a party, ducking an air kiss, holding a hug at arms length or contorting my neck to avoid a cheek brush then I apologise.  If you are not even a relative then I'm warning you now.  BACK OFF. Kissing cousins is acceptable but friends and strangers and I'm afraid it's just not happening.  Everyone is supposedly somewhere on the spectrum and I'm admitting to my place.