Funerals

I think Richard Curtis missed a trick, when he wrote 4 Weddings.  He made the funeral part very sad, with lots of sniffing and a beautifully read WH Auden poem.  There is always that element to a funeral and as I have been to one this week I can tell you that I feel completely wrung out by the emotion of the event but it's not all tears.  It may be my unusual view on life but I always find something funny at a funeral.

When I worked in a bank, we had a funeral director as a customer who would come in and do his banking every Thursday. He always used to joke that no one died on a Thursday, hence, making it banking day.  He was the most cheerful person I've ever met in my life.  He constantly whistled and told jokes.  He would tell me stories of funny things that happened at funerals, like the time an actor was buried and  because the last show he was in was the pantomime 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' his family had insisted on the pall bearers being the wonderful short actors he had been working with.  As if that wasn't funny enough, they had come in costume.  I tell this story because it's possibly the most believable of many.

My childhood memory of funerals is based around very tall wobbly women.  It seems to be the law that women wear impossibly high heels for a funeral, which does seem strange when you take into account the amount of standing involved.  The smell of sherry also takes me right back to funerals I attended as a child, which might account for some of the wobbliness.

The wake is always an interesting part of the funeral.  The best I've been to have been in pubs, where the atmosphere seems more relaxed and as a sneaky listener to other people's conversations there are some things I have noticed that always come up.

1.  People discuss their own ailments.  They become very aware of their own mortality.  They say how wonderful it is that the person whose funeral they are attending 'died peacefully in their sleep.'  They talk about how they are going to go - as if they have a choice.

2.  There is always a lot of working out, who is who.  I am always surprised at how many people attend a funeral and I often wonder if they all know the deceased.  In fact, when I earwig other conversations, I often wonder if I knew them myself.

3.  My favourite conversations to listen in to are the funny stories about the person who has died, "Do you remember his Donald Duck voice?" "Do you remember when he made me steal everyone's crackers at Christmas?"
4. People plan their own funerals.  They say, "When I die I don't want any of this sad stuff.  I want people to celebrate.  I'm not going to have any hymns, maybe the Oasis back catalogue. I'm going to be cremated and have a coffin in the colours of my football team."  The problem with all this planning is that it's not really your choice.  You can tell the people you love what you would like but unless you write it all down and pay for it in advance then your funeral will be how the people left behind arrange things.  That's how it should be too. Funerals are ridiculously expensive and their point is to allow those left behind to grieve, remember and say goodbye.

Green Burial Cart

 I have fallen into this trap myself.  I said that I didn't want to get stuck in traffic so could I have a burial in my home town and then I found out that they do Green burials and you can have a cardboard coffin.  I've always wanted a cardboard coffin and hoped that everyone could write their favourite joke on to keep me laughing as I go. I also think I might want them to use the funeral director that was used for the funeral I went to this week because their MIB (men in black) number plates certainly lightened the mood for me.  But this is all too morbid to think about so on second thoughts I just plan to live forever.