Village Church Vandalism

For the last 10 years, I have been performing at a tiny village church as part of a concert festival.  It was a regular gig for the Youth Orchestra and then when there were too many to fit in the Adult Music School took the slot.  Every year it causes much amusement.  It's too early in the year  (a phrase that applies to teachers and students in September!) to guarantee a great performance and so there is always a lot of "winging it" (a technical term that all musicians are familiar with.)

As my daughter and several of her friends are going to (or going back to) University they joined us for an evening of sight reading.  I have always believed that if you are not embarrassing your children, you aren't doing your job properly but maybe today I became a bit too good at it.

The concert started with the choir.  We got up and squished ourselves into a small space.  I shared my music with my daughter and despite it all being in the wrong order she coped - with only a few giggles.  The choir sat down to listen to the soloists but there was a vicar in my seat.  I considered sitting on his lap but decided instead to perch on the edge of a table.  Half way through the violin duet  the whole church heard a crack, as one violinist's shoulder rest fell off and landed on the floor.  At the end of the piece there was another crack, the table collapsed.  I plummeted to the floor, the whole church held their breath.  "What was that?"  "It was only Julia!"  I lay on the floor with my legs in the air.  "I'm alright but I've broken your table," I said.  Public stories were told of the time I fell through a hole in a stage and some of my other clumsy moments and the concert continued.  It was decided that I would be best sitting on the floor, as I couldn't get any lower.  Hysterical laughing was taking over my body,  tears streaming down my face, gasping to get my breath, face burning with embarrassment, trying not to catch the eye of the Vicar, or anyone else in the Church.

Luckily, by the time it was time for the band to play I had regained just enough composure to get up.  There were too many of us to fit in easily so the third Clarinets (me) were instructed to sit in the "naughty girl choir pews" From here, it was impossible to see the conductor and the music kept slipping off but it all went quite well until I played a note I really didn't like the sound of, followed it by saying, "yuk" which happened to coincide with a whole band rest.  Asked to fold our music stands away at the end my friend (and with friends like this who needs enemies) told me not to sit on it.  I could tell that this was a clumsy incident I was going to find hard to live down.

At the end of the concert, we were all invited into the marquee for a glass of warm wine and a few crisps.  This is when another friend (again, who needs friends....) told me that he had overheard an old lady exclaim, after examining the table that it was probably the oldest and most expensive thing in the Church - but she didn't suppose it was now.

Several people told my daughter how lucky she was to be leaving home to get away from her embarrassing mother.  What they don't know is that I have genetically passed my talents on.  If you ever see her, ask her about the tree or the chair at the O2.