All Inclusive

Choosing an annual family holiday is a serious business.  If you are lucky enough to be able to afford a holiday, then unless you are a member of the current government or a banker with an enormous bonus or a member of the Royal Family then your holiday is probably the biggest single expense of the year and so you want it to be right and worth every penny.

The first decision is where to go.  Obviously, you can't beat the UK.  It's beautiful, interesting, you understand the language, enjoy the food, you can take the dog and you don't have to fly but the weather can just be so unpredictable.  You can't guarantee clear blue skies and British Summer weather can be just a little unusual, for example:  In 1958 in Sussex there were hailstones the size of Cricket balls; in June 1938 it rained coal in Dorset; A shower of red dust fell over the South of England in 1968 and in 1938 a Wiltshire thunderstorm included a precipitation of Frogs.  If you are looking for a conventional suntan  then most people opt for a foreign holiday.

This year, we had the best of both.  A week in Wales (lots of rain and beautiful scenery) with a week in Majorca (still some rain - we're not very lucky).  The week in Majorca was booked at the last minute because we felt we'd been deprived of a Summer.  It was also All Inclusive, which along with the choice of destination was all that was available.

"Would you recommend All Inclusive?"

That's not an easy question to answer.  The woman from Teletext Holidays said, "Oooh, with a 14 year old you want All Inclusive.  It'll save you loads of money.  All those drinks and ice creams.  If I were you, I wouldn't consider anything else!"  She might be right, but she also said, "You don't want to go to Tenerife, it'll be too hot." and then it rained for 3 days in Majorca and was warmer when we got home, so she might not be the best person to give advice on these matters.

I wasn't looking forward to it.  I thought it was going to be like Butlins abroad.  Not that there is anything wrong with Butlins, if you like that sort of thing but I am used to cheap, slightly grubby self catering in one of the Greek Islands and I have a strong aversion to being told what to do or when to do it.

What I liked about All Inclusive

1.  It was easy.  You didn't have to think about anything. You sat around the pool and shuffled off for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
2.  The food was good.  There was loads of choice.

What I didn't like about All Inclusive

1. It was a bit like Butlins and I don't like that sort of thing.
2. There were too many people in a small space.
3.  It just made me feel a little bit sad.

Now, I know I need to explain number 3 and this is what make the All Inclusive decision complicated.  The rise in All Inclusive, seems to me to have destroyed the soul of holiday destinations.  People stay in their huge hotels, packed like sardines around a pool, getting up at 7am to reserve their sunbed with a towel, too frightened to leave just in case they have to spend any money.

Huge All Inclusive Hotel

This means that restaurants are empty or closed and those that are still open are expensive, because no one is eating in them.

A Closed Beach Restaurant

An Empty Restaurant at Lunchtime

Beach bars are closed, with metal shutters and graffiti or are open with the standard notice, warning their customers that (don't be shocked) they actually have to pay for their drinks.

 

The small businessmen, who have made a living renting out sunbeds on beautiful beaches are close to going out of business.

Empty beach in August

The crazy golf was closed.

Shops in the town area were also closed, which surprised me until I realised that each hotel had it's own tourist shop, which sold gifts and drinks and crisps and silly presents that people take home.  They also had a series of market stalls in the evening, where people who make necklaces, or do name plates for doors, make pots or braid hair set up (probably giving the hotel a 10% of their profit).  The central area of town was also like a ghost ship, with the bars around the central bandstand closed down and no evening entertainment that wasn't happening in the hotels.

 


The doctors and dentists are still doing well though.  British holiday makers are still as stupid as they ever were, getting drunk on the All Inclusive watered down drinks and falling over.

Would I book All Inclusive again?

After everything I've said, I probably would.  It was just so easy.  A week in the sun, with a good selection of books not having to think about food or how you are going to pay for it.  It's what you want from a holiday isn't it?

I would be more selective about where I went though.  I would choose somewhere that wasn't quite so 'English'.  I don't like fruit machines, or Mr and Mrs Competitions or announcements that sing, " Oo way, oo way oo way oo way, we are the Chavs, we are the Chavs.  Oo way, oo way oo way oo way, we are the Chavs who like sport.....There's tennis, mini golf, pool gym, snooker......" 

I do like food and would choose somewhere that had a good buffet selection that included fruit and local dishes again.

Maybe I would like more comfortable pool loungers too but I might have to start saving to accommodate my expensive taste.

I doubt that it is possible to have the kind of holiday I used to enjoy any more.  If the cheap self catering apartments still exist, the cheap restaurants, the bars with friendly locals playing backgammon and beach bars playing soft jazz have all probably gone out of business, unless I can find somewhere that doesn't have a single All Inclusive hotel.

Oh, and I would like one more thing.........

........ A system of identification that doesn't make you feel like one of the lunatics that has escaped from the asylum.