The Christmas Creep and other frighteners

 I haven't written a blog since September. 

It turns out that going back to school this year was more terrifying than I had anticipated and not something I wanted to share with you. Suffice it to say, I have been a basket-case. I won't go into details but a first aid course where the instructor pretends to die (quite accurately) triggered all of my suppressed PTSD. 

Woah! There you go. Oversharing again.

This is why I stopped blogging.

Yes, I pretended it was because serious writing was taking over. I pretended that it was because I didn't have time. I pretended that no one wanted to hear the workings of my random mind (that's probably true). However, in truth, I didn't want to accidentally confess how broken I  still am and this in not what I came here to say.

I wanted to talk about the Christmas Creep.  

At the beginning of November, my normal anxiety turns into extra special sparkly Christmas anxiety. This always happens. I know that Christmas shouldn't start until December but for a music teacher it always after Halloween. How else do you get small children to learn Christmas songs in time if you don't start in November? Even then, it's a push and I usually go for enthusiasm over beauty.

There’s a conflict. The middle class woman of a certain age in me wants to issue caution. It’s not Christmas yet. Don’t peak too soon. However, the need to be ready is an ever present pressure. 

This year, I started to feel the anxiety moths fluttering in my stomach in October. Admittedly, there were other things going on, which is not what I came here  to say but I felt them and knew they were the tinsel-laden festive variety.

Then, on the radio, I kept hearing about the Christmas Creep.

Ah yes, I thought, we all know the Christmas Creep. What a perfect time of year for him. He gets to dress up in a red or green costume and have small children sit on his knee. (Disclaimer: not all costume wearers are creeps and some creeps come dressed as they are)

Don’t you love a vintage Christmas card?

But I was wrong, the Christmas Creep is a thing not a person. It's the weird phenomenon that has happened since Covid, where people start Christmas far too early. And this is getting earlier each year. It was understandable when everyone was isolated. A few twinkly lights and tinsel in your knickers was enough to help you through those tricky times. Except that it turns out, our existential dread and hatred of dark cold winters (even though it was still 20 degrees outside when it started) is getting harder to bear. 

Now that we are in December, the weather has got colder,  children are having chocolate for breakfast and the world was beginning to feel right again. The balance  restored and it wasn’t too soon.

‘Phew!’ I thought, ‘That’s the end of the Christmas Creep for another year.’ and I relaxed. 

Then the Long Suffering Husband had a bee in his bonnet about something. 

“What I don’t understand is, why now?”

It seemed as though we needed a Christmas Creep, after all. 

Gregg Wallace became the new topic of conversation in our house. (Details of which can be seen in any newspaper - what he did or didn’t do, rather than our discussion)

The only reason for why now, that I can think of, is that we are missing the Christmas Creep and he fits the bill perfectly. He’s actions weren’t illegal, just immoral and creepy. If there’s a gap in the market then why not fill it? Lucky for handsy Uncle Bill that he’s not known by many people!

As a middle class woman of a certain age I’m pleased creepy behaviour is being discussed. If we can do anything, we should be able to remind people that some things are not necessary and should remain in the past.

Shouting, “Cor, nice melons,” from the top of scaffolding, sending apprentices out for a long weight and other comments that people claim are funny but are designed to humiliate younger people are not necessary for a functioning society and comedy has moved on.