Donald Duck

 A picture can win or lose an election. Think of Ed Miliband’s ugly mouth chomping down on a bacon sandwich. Ed Davey played to this strength by having the most fun on an election campaign - ever. 

What would do it in America? 

He could take a bullet for his country.

So patriotic. 

Shoot him in the head and have him survive? Perfect. What about his brain? What brain?

I remember watching the attempted assassination  of Ronald Reagan when I was small and worrying that his security men had squashed him. The report of the gun rang out and he was pushed onto the floor with 20 muscular men on top of him. 

‘I hope he can breathe under there,’ I remember saying.

This time, with Trump, the security were not so quick. There was time for Trump to expose his head and chest for the greatest shot of all time - and I mean the photo. 

I love a conspiracy theory and my first thought when I heard was, ‘Well that was a set up.’ However, there are some things to bear in mind. 

1. He’s not the president, so the security detail would have been less.

2. The security person closest to him was a woman and I do not blame her for not throwing herself on top of a self-confessed pussy grabber.

3. This has been a divided campaign that has purposely stirred up aggression on both sides (You might not have seen the Biden punch bag that people were encouraged to kick, punch or stab)

4. Trump isn’t famously known for following orders.

5. When they shouted, ‘Donald, duck!’ He is likely to have jumped up and said, ‘Where? He’s my favourite, after his uncle. Don’t you just love Scrooge

6. American mass shootings are common. There were 630 in 2023. That’s roughly two a day. 

7. They have the shooter’s gun. An AR-15. Legal in many states, the choice of school shooters and not known for pinpoint accuracy. 

8. The shooter, Crooks, now dead, fits the profile of a mass shooter. White, 20, loner, bullied at school, wore hunting outfits, played video games where you pretend to shoot the president and named Lee Harvey-Oswald as a hero. 

9. There were casualties. It’s not all about Donald Trump. Corey Compertore, a 50 year old former fire fighter died, 57 year old David Dutch and James Copenhaver are critically ill from gunshot wounds. Those who were slightly injured, grazed or just scared shitless are not worth of a slightest mention in the press. 

The only conspiracy that the USA need to face is the idea that guns make them safer.

The blog you are expecting?

 ‘Oh no! I expect I’ll read this in a blog tomorrow.’

When you hear those words, you feel as though you almost have a duty to report. Especially, when the incident that prompted those words was your own social awkwardness and inappropriate snorting during a speech that brought tears to the eyes of the unrelated diner behind. 

I would tell you about a staff curry to celebrate the escape from the madhouse of four of my favourite colleagues, except that it’s often tricky to talk about difficult things.

FOUR!

That’s all I’m prepared to say.

FOUR!

Four of the very best people that won’t be there to make my days brighter. (And I am sorry that I snorted during the speech). In the words of the children, “That’s totally skibbidi beta!”

Burying the sausage

 I appear to have stepped into a twilight world. One where the rules have changed, where things that were impossible are now probable and routines, traditions and expectations are borrowed from any country or religion you fancy. It's a world I like but I am having to check my thoughts. 

The world I'm talking about is the wedding planning planet.

Weddings bring out many emotions. Just looking at venues or talking about who won't be there or the roles that those who will be might take is enough to bring tears to the eyes. A different kind of stinging eye-watering happens when you start to look at the cost.

As a happily married parent, you look back at your own wedding, with rose-coloured specs. You might try to persuade your child - yes child, which brings more wetness to the eyes - that they should have everything you had. I can imagine that if your marriage had broken down then you might be temped to persuade them that any money spent would end up being a waste. Even if you had an extravagant wedding yourself and had no regrets, then the fact that inflation rules seem to have by-passed the wedding industry will make you feel as though a fish-bone is stuck in your throat (which has nothing to do with the fact that your baby has grown up - honestly!).

I know that people have been getting married all this time but I really haven't paid much attention to the conversations.

'That's nice,' I would have said, not really listening because the details of what the new rules are didn't matter to me.

However, now that I'm on Post-Proposal Planet I've started to listen and much of it is really funny.

We have been looking at venues in the worst summer weather I can remember.

'Oh no, the poor bride,' everyone thinks. I'm not sure why it's just the bride but that's what people say as they look at the sky, darkening, threatening. 

'She'll ruin her Jimmy Choos,' they say, looking at the rivers of rain, flooding the courtyard.

'I've heard that rainy weddings are often the best because everyone makes more of an effort,' my daughter told me.  

There is a tradition, that I hadn't heard of before last week. I was actually properly listening to a conversation about a wedding that was due to happen soon.

'I'm checking the weather every two minutes and it changes all the time.' 

The bride-to-be was hoping for an outdoor wedding.

'Is there an alternative?'

'Yes but I don't want it. I'm getting married outside. No. I am getting married outside, even if we need wellies and umbrellas.'

'You need to bury the sausage before the wedding.'

'Yes, I'm planning to,'

Wait. What? My properly listening ears were confused. Bury the sausage? It sounded like a euphemism but surely you weren't meant to see the groom before the wedding. Maybe that tradition is one that has been dropped.

'What kind of sausage?' I asked. 'Do you have to cook it? Does it have to be you? Would it help if we all buried a sausage?'

Apparently, it's a Spanish tradition, so I suspect it should be Chorizo but someone told a story of how she had taken one from a fridge, prompting an irate call from her groom, who was confused that he now wasn't able to give sausage sandwiches to all of his groomsmen on the wedding morning. She had no regrets and swears it worked, even though it was December and she slipped on some ice. 

Tired and emotional

 An election is my Super Bowl. 

If you didn’t watch the results coming in then you will probably be fresh and perky today and may be waking up to discover that we have a Labour government that the SNP lost at least 37 seats (none to the conservatives) and that Reform came second in many seats. You will have missed the Portillo moments, where Gove, Rees-Mogg, Penny Mordant, Gillian Keegan (and many more) lost their seats. You will have also missed the telling moments where Labour was sent a clear message on Palestine by constituencies with a large Muslim population with Jon Ashworth losing his seat and the Pro-Palestine candidate in Chingford regretting her decision and apologising to the Labour candidate when she realised that she had helped IDS keep his seat.

I found the evening very emotional. 

I had a moment when Neil Kinnock was on the BBC. I still have a soft spot for him.  He provided me with some of the best quotes of the night. When they were recounting Basildon and Billericay for the third time he said, “ The only recount I ever experienced gave my mother in law chickens.”

His glee when George Galloway lost was infectious. “He’s repulsive. Galloway is repulsive. I’m so pleased”

Robert Buckland was cross. “My party will be like a bald man arguing over a comb”

And Nigel Farrage set himself a simple task.

“I will do my absolute best to put Clacton on the map,” but went onto threaten, “This is the first step of something that will stun all of you.”

Laura Keunsberg described him.

“Nigel Farrage has never knowingly walked past a microphone.”

Clive Myrie showed us his snacks and made me laugh when the Conservative party chair won his seat by just 20 votes.

“Dreadful sound there, Basildon. It’s only just down the road.”

Rishi conceded defeat and Keir Starmer talked about sunrise.

And I missed my Dad. 

He would have loved this and he would have been tired and emotional, not in the way I am but in the old use of the phrase, which was  used by Private Eye in his day to describe MPGeorge Brown. 

If there’s an afterlife, I hope he’s watching and having a beer or two to celebrate.