Here we go - Eurovision (Live-ish Blog)

 The cheese is ready, the score sheet prepared and we are ready and we are off to Malmo. The only thing we are waiting for is the rest of the family to arrive, so the TV is on pause and we will be a little behind.

Sweden - Marcus & Martinus - Unforgettable

Forgettable twins in a grid of flashing lights and numbers. Dance music. It's meant to be great staging but  too flashy for me. In fact the whole thing is making me a bit twitchy tonight 

Ukraine - Jerry Heil - Teresa & Maria

Fire and water. Gladiator in a bandage, climbing a rock from the water with fire. Oh I like this rapper. She's a Japanese warrior. 

Germany - Isaak - Always on the Run

I hope he's got some marshmallows. That's quite a fire. Quite a catchy tune. I love the lighted farts of Eurovision. I'm glad to see  the tradition hasn't stopped. Boring costume but he has nice painted nails. 

We still miss Terry. Sorry Graham but you are not Terry.

Luxembourg - Tali - Fighter

This was the year 6 French class choice I believe. More lighted farts and workout clothes. Great plaits. Look at those killer pussy cats! It has an Egyptian feel too. Very 90s classic Eurovision. We like this too. You want chocolate now. I'd go for a fighter bar.

Netherlands - Joost Klein - Europapa

Disqualified for hitting someone backstage because they dissed his Euro Papa

Israel - Eden Golan - Hurricane

Controversial to include Israel anyway but this is boring on every level. Bandages are very 2024. Boring wails. Not a fan.

Lithuania - Silvester Beslt - Luktelk

 I like his costume and the nose jewellery. E17 vibes.  His name is popular in this house. 

Now we've caught up we can concentrate on the presenters. A goodie and a baddie. Black and white. We are loving the boob slash. I'm 92 but not deaf - I'm going to adopt that as a catchphrase.

Spain - Nebulossa - Aorra

Reclaim the foxes! A year younger than Kylie. I'm sorry Graham but that is old!  Look! Little keyboard guitars. We always give extra points for instruments. This is a proper throwback.  She looks a lot older than Kylie. This is very popular in the auditorium. Oh wow! Bottoms. The LSH is wondering when Eurovision got so gay. Shush. Don't tell him. OOOH. Splits. Go Mary. That is a Eurovision classic. That gets 10 from me in the Eurovision vibe section of my score sheet. 

Estonia - Smiinustx Puuluup - Narkootikumidest

This makes me want to dance. I like the traditional instruments. Full admiration to the sunglasses indoors. Break out those dancefit moves. Look at the big boys in the background is the quote in the room. Bon Jovi and Simon Pegg.

Ireland - Bambi Thug - Doomsday Blue

Pagan witch. Great name. Goth witch has a lovely sweet tone to her voice. Maleficent vibes. She must be a ballet dancer. Freaky teeth. A Bucks Fizz costume whip off. Blink and you miss it. That could have gone horribly wrong. I want to pass her some cheese. That's quite a scream. Crown the witch or not. Grunge isn't for us.

Latvia - Dons - Hollow

Jasper Carrot in a blue fake muscle top. This is the Bond entry. He has a nice ring. We are chatting through this but I like the tree. Harlow. A proper Essex entry. 

Greece - Marina Satti - Zari

We usually like Greece but the purple nappy and TikTok live vibe isn't doing it for me. Chunky dancers. Floating above finished buildings that's less Greek than you'd imagine. Pass the feta and olives.

United Kingdom - Olly Alexander - Dizzy

I thought he was an actor but he was a singer first. I really like him but this is not good. He doesn't have the voice for a stadium of this size. The crowd are not listening. Are we heading for another nul points? That was a much better job than he did in the semi finals. Oh Graham. You are delusional. We all know how it will do. It will bomb.

Norway GAte - Ulveham

Instantly forgettable.

Italy - Angelina Mango - La Noia

I do like it when there are trees. She's scoring fairly high on how attractive she is with the men in the room but the women are less impressed with the ugly boots. More chunky dancers. Explosive farts. 

Serbia - Teya Dora - Ramonda

A flower. It's snowing. 2nd rock of the night. We are talking about other things.

Finland - Windows95Man - No Rules!

Graham has embraced the silly. I love silly. Not Lukas Graham or that horrible man that does through the keyhole - Keith Lemon. This is so brilliant. This would have won in 2001. Proper belly laughs her. It's a good song too. This is our winner. No contest. Even the jean dress is great. firework wires!! We love this so much. NO RULES. The jury vote will do badly but we love it. 

Portugal - Iolanda  - Grito 

Hospital vibes about this. We got bored and paused her to clear away the cheese. I like her make up. Dance group with heads completely covered - it's the shame.  That's a power note. Don't you hate it when the padding comes out of your bikini.

Amenia - Ladaviva - Jako

Miming trumpet player. What board game is this? Ludo? Fake lute - no strings. JESUS! We liked this. 

Cyprus - Silia Kapis - Liar

Australian Cypriot. Holly Vallance before she married a very rich man and became the most right wing person you can imagine. How did this get through? Tie dye lightshow is quite cool. The song is catchy. 

Switzerland - Nemo - The Code

I love the outfit. This is a great song. Chanelling their inner Mikka. Love a skort and feather jacket combo and the platform work is brilliant. This has to be the winner. Surely. Great core. Whoever found Nemo deserves all the prizes. 

Slovenia - Raiven - Veronika

The boys are initially impressesd but the the costume isn't going to get many points they might as well not have bothered. It's a whiny song. Snake tattoo. 

Graham? Are you OK? You aren't saying much this year.  Wail. 

Croatia - Baby Lasagne - Rim Tim Tagi Dim

Ramstein meets Adam and the Ants. Grapevine dancing. It's a drum beat - Rim Tim Tagi Dim. Explosive farts. We like this. There's no going back my anxiety attacks. We can relate to these lyrics. 

This was also a favourite of the French class. 

Georgia - Nutsia Baladze - Firefighter

This could grow on you if you listen to it enough. She has the power voice. She-ra.

France - Slimane - Mon Amour

I think he's got tummy ache. Gauze top. It took someone in this room a long time to get the word gauze. That is an incredible vocal. 

Austria - Kaleen - We will rave

She has demons in her hair. Do I spy a new Sparkle Club outfit? The cameraman had a stroke as she was chucked around. Catchy - we will rave.

My scores

Jury votes

Switzerland , France, Croatia, Italy top 4.

Zero points for the UK from the public.

Eurovision found Nemo!