A man in a suit?

 Silly season is here. It has arrived, amazingly, with a light dusting of snow. This is just what a woman my age needs when spending many evenings outside. My hips are creaking , I have chilblains on my chilblains, my lips are chapped and crusty and I have no sensation in the ends of my fingers. 

Would it be Christmas without it though?

When I retire, or crack, like an ice sculpture heated too quickly, I’m sure I will miss it. Christmas will suddenly become shopping (which I hate) and a man in a suit.

It wouldn’t be Christmas if I wasn’t responsible for freezing small children half to death in the name of entertainment.

On Friday I took a dozen 5 and 6 year olds to the local pub. They were very excited about it, walking round the school telling anyone who’d listen that they were going to the pub with me and the headteacher. We were to sing before Santa switched the lights on.

When I told the children one said, “Ah but is it the real Santa or just a man in a suit?”

I had to confess that I didn’t know and that we would just have to wait and see.

Before the children arrived I was allowed to wait inside the heated tent with Santa and the put-upon-eye-rolling Mrs Claus. Once the first child arrived it was outside for me to continue my job of freezing small children.

While I was waiting, though, I began to have my suspicions that I wasn’t chilling with the real deal. 

I’ve always assumed that Santa would be slightly narcissistic. In our house he always left presents wrapped in paper emblazoned with his image but I didn’t expect him to be quite as obsessed with the selfie.

Mrs Claus looked at me, sighed, and said, “You’d think he’d have had enough pictures of himself by now.”

“No one ever thinks of Mrs Claus, do they?” I said sympathetically.

I’d hit a nerve.

“No. All I ever do is drive him from place to place, while he cuddles up with all the girls and then I have to pretend that we left the sleigh in a field.”

Santa was, at this point, giving a young woman in a flimsy elf costumes a hug to ‘warm her up.’ Mrs Claus eyes rolled almost to the back of her head.

This children sang amazingly and then Santa came out to do his magic. He explained that his magic was a bit depleted (I’m not sure why; maybe Selfies with Elfies) and he needed their help to count down. 

5

4

3

2

1

Nothing.

Then just as he turned his back the lights came on.

One of the children looked at me, winked and said, definitively, “Man in suit!”

Then there was a bit of children’s Christmas chaos in the tent, which I couldn’t stay for and I’m told he gave out business cards. Dangerous to give a group of 5/6 year olds Santa’s personal hotline but at least there would be no need for the elves to sit on shelves. 

Video evidence