Elves - a tip for stressed parents

 I’m old.

Us old grumpy women find that being told that something is a ‘tradition’ when it was made up less than twenty years ago is irksome. If you love it then please don’t let me stop you but these Elves that sit on shelves have caused me more 3am questions than is healthy.

1. Why?

2. Since when?

3. Why are they so ugly and plastic?

4. What is the point of all the naughty things they do?

5. What’s wrong with just giving your children chocolate for breakfast throughout December?

6. Why boy and girl elves?

7. Who has time for all that in December? Are these people not musicians?

Here are my answers:

1. Because people love a gimmick and we like to be part of the crowd. Social media allows a connection and reward for creativity. Creative people need a reward from something.

2. Since 2005. A woman called Carol Aebersold wrote a book and every publisher thought it was terrible so she self published. The book was about their family tradition (an old Scandinavian one) where a house elf joins the family to keep an eye on the children and report back to Santa. I blame teachers and Pinterest for its rise in popularity. As a tool for classroom control, it’s genius. 

3. They are ugly and plastic because it’s a self published book that came with the elf. A limited budget and a desire to recreate the original toy that the woman used to terrorise her own children in America in the 1960s has led to this monstrosity. 

4. They shouldn’t really do naughty things. They should be reporting back to Santa. They should be found in different places. In the book the elf plays hide and seek and can’t be touched. However, too many adults, who have been on the naughty list their whole lives have got hold of these creatures.

5. Chocolate for breakfast. Every teacher’s favourite thing! Who needs elves? This question is unanswerable. 

6. The boy and girl elf thing is a puzzle. Our society’s need to gender everything has caused so many problems. Leave the gender neutral elves alone! But that is another story.

7. I’ve been wondering if I would have done it if it had been a tradition when my children were small. I think I would have wanted to. Being part of a creative crowd would have appealed to me but in December as a musician I didn’t really have time to eat, let alone manage a naughty elf. So, I would have come up with a creative solution. And this is my tip for busy parents.

I would have bought the book and hidden the elf first. 

“Oh no. There’s no elf in our book. I wonder why?”

Then I would have read the book.

“That’s why,” I would have said. “There’s no need for an elf in this house. You are already on Santa’s nice list. The elf from this book has gone off to watch naughty children. We had better make sure he doesn’t have to come back.”

Job done. Parent off hook. Child shit scared of seeing an elf in their house.

You can thank me later.